Body And Soul
by elyse412
Summary: This is a post finale DJ fic with alternating pov's between Dawson, Joey, and Pacey
1. Chapter One

Disclaimer: I am in no way connected to Dawson's Creek and no copyright infringement is intended.

Notes: This is a D/J fic set after the final episode with the alternating POV's of Joey, Pacey, and Dawson 

Rating: R for language and some sexual situations.

****

Body and Soul

Chapter One

****

Joey 

I wake up everyday and I apologize to a dead woman. I apologize for living a lie. Or am I living a lie? And if I were that sorry wouldn't I do something about it? I don't even know anymore. Maybe if I hadn't started therapy I wouldn't be so mixed up about my decision. Back in college Jen said that I should give therapy a go. Even Dawson has tried it,' she joked. Back them I blew her off but these days I take every word she said seriously. 

Apparently I have a serious fear of abandonment and enough father issues to keep my therapist in business for the next decade. I could have told anyone that, but I wouldn't, so I have to pay a stranger to listen. Though there is no shortage of material mostly we talk about why I run away from relationships. My therapist had it pegged on the first visit. I run to avoid being left, being hurt. If I'm not the selfish one then I will be the one left to pick up the pieces of a broken relationship like my mother was. I've ran like that my whole life, the question is am I doing it now?' Did I run away from Dawson and use Pacey as a safety net or do I just doubt my decision now because things are starting to get more serious between me and Pacey? I hate to even think it, but Pacey is a sure thing. I can almost be on autopilot with him. I can go through the motions of being Joey Potter and he doesn't have a clue, or if he does he just considers himself lucky to have me and doesn't press for fear that I'll run. And I would. 

That's a joke, Dawson and Pacey in a constant battle for my affections. Honestly, they're both too good for me. Sometimes I wonder if it's not me but the constant rivalry that has fueled this thing for over ten years now. It can't be me. If they really looked at me they would see how fucked up and selfish I really am. They each deserve women that will give of their entire selves to them, not split herself in half and give one her body and one her soul. Maybe not being with Dawson is the one selfless thing I have done. If we were together I would ruin it somehow. I always ruin it. But none of that matters right now because it's Wednesday and it's eight o'clock. 

****

Pacey

She barely even acknowledges my presence as I sit down on the couch next to her. I hate when she gets like this. I couldn't reach her now if I tried, so I don't. Whenever _The Creek _is on she gets sucked into another dimension. She's not here with me she's fifteen and watching movies in Dawson's room and doing God knows what else. Of course now I know what else from all the makeout scenes that have been shown this season. The payoff I suppose for all of those fans that sat through the first season with crossed fingers hoping the two soul mates would find each other. 

Soul mates. I hate that word. I won't admit it to anyone but I've taken a peak into the chatrooms to see what people thought. Applying it more towards me, Joey, and Dawson not Petey, Sammy, and Colby. "But they're soul mates!" That was the bottom line. I wanted to write something back telling them that somewhere out in the real world Petey and Sammy were fucking while Colby indulged in his real love, himself, on the opposite coast. Once when I was visiting Joey in New York I stopped at the corner store for some wine. In front of me two women who must have been at least fifty were even talking about it. Whining about how when someone has another person's soul they will always be together no matter who they are with and blah, blah, blah. I went right to Joey's apartment and fucked her on the kitchen floor. As I pounded her harder and harder into the floor I didn't care how rough I was being with her and I didn't care if she came or not. I just did it because I could, because I had her body. I may not have had her entire mind or any of her soul but her body was mine for the taking and he didn't have that. She was cold with me and ignored me the rest of the night and who could blame her. I had almost raped her in her own kitchen. I left the next day feeling like shit and hating myself. 

The commercials are almost over and I know she'll be coming out of the bathroom soon. She wouldn't miss a moment of this. Colby forgot Petey's birthday because he had some lame ass fight with Sammy after he read her e-mail. Sound familiar? Anyway Lexi throws Petey a party at the docks instead and we're supposed to be seeing the beginnings of a relationship between the two, who it would seem can't stand each other. There is really only one big problem. There is a complete lack of chemistry between Petey and Lexi. They just insult each other. There is nothing underneath it to soften the blow. The insults are hurled like bricks with nothing to take the edge off. Not to mention the fact that Andie would never prance around in cutoffs up to her ass and a bikini top anytime of the year, but definitely not in November. Dawson had said that the actors who played them had just had a nasty breakup in real life, maybe that was why it just came off hateful and awkward. It's almost insulting to me and Andie. There's no Dumbo connection but I'm glad. We had a good thing but seeing Dawson butcher it on the small screen is just too much for me to bear. This storyline sucks enough without Dawson ruining Dumbo for me. I wonder what Andie thinks of it. 

She's back now and gives me a small smile as she sits down and makes herself comfortable. As the show comes back on I watch as she leans forward, transfixed in the happenings on screen. It's raining now and Colby and Sammy find each other in the crowd of people at the docks. They move forward in slow motion without a word. When they finally reach each other they embrace and Colby kisses Sammy's shoulder, almost sucking the raindrops off. I can't help but look over at Joey to gauge her reaction. Shit. Her eyes are half closed and her mouth is parted slightly. I can tell by the look on her face that it really happened. There has only been one episode of the show that I truly enjoyed. There is a sophomore class trip to New York City and they all get separated from their class. Kim catches up with her old friends but realizes how much she's changed. John hits on a gay guy for the first time but gets rejected. Petey and Lexi wander into a bad part of town and get mugged while Sammy and Colby are separated but meet at the end of the episode at the Empire State Building, just like in Sleepless in Seattle. I like it because it is bullshit. It never happened to us but it could have. Plus Joey didn't have that wanting look on her face the whole time. I remember that look from when we were fifteen. 

"Let's call him," she suggests after the credits roll. Gee, I didn't see that coming. We only call him after every show. She dials the number and then hands me the phone. Why I have to be the first to talk when it wasn't even my idea to call is beyond me. Actually this way when I'm done she can talk as long as she wants without me hovering over her.

"Hey man," I say casually when Dawson answers the phone on the first ring. 

"Did you watch the show?" 

"Yeah," I answer. "But you better put some clothes on Andie before you piss her off. Believe me you don't want to make that girl mad. I've been there." There, I think the tone was just right. I made a joke but at the same time got to stick up for Andie. 

We make some more small talk but I can see Joey pacing around the living room like a kid at Christmas so I just make my good-byes and hand Joey the phone.

"Hey!" she says. "Yeah, it was great." Joey laughs at something. "Less embarrassing than that coffee table scene last week. Uh huh, Bessie started teasing me about it all over again last week. You know the Hoey Potter jokes and calling dry humping Starbucking. Nothing I haven't lived through already." She goes to the fridge to take out a diet coke and holds one up to me in a silent offer. I shake my head. "Yeah, I'll be in Los Angeles next week. Pacey's driving me to Logan tomorrow and I'll fly out from Boston to Phoenix. Yup and then to Atlanta and then after that one week in sunny LA" 

I pick up a Sports Illustrated and flip through it and try to block out the sound of her laughter. I'm jealous but I can't admit it. He's her best friend, her soul mate. So now I just have to sit here and pretend like she always sounds that happy when she's talking to me. Like I see this Joey all the time. 

"Of course," I give up and start listening to her end of the conversation. "I'd love to get together with you for lunch or something if we can both find the time." Bullshit. Last time business took her to Los Angeles I called her hotel room at three in the morning (midnight on the West Coast) and Dawson answered. It's just a game they play. Like they wouldn't drop everything for each other. "I know. And I haven't even seen the set yet." There is more laughter and out of the corner of my eye I can see her blush. "No, I'm not looking to test ride the porch swing." I can't listen anymore. 

"I'm going for a walk," I announce as I get my jacket. Joey just nods and waves.

"Pacey. No he's going for a walk."

****

Dawson

I just called my secretary and had her forward all my calls directly to my office and to hold any visitors now I'm turning on my cell phone just in case. It's nine o'clock on the East Coast so I know that _The Creek _just finished unless baseball or something preempted it. Is it even baseball season? Just then the torture is over. Good thing I turned on my cell phone.

"Hey," I answer. Its Pacey but I'm not surprised, he always talks first. "Did you watch the show?' I try to fill up time and quelch my desire to demand he put Joey on the phone pronto.

He's complaining about Lexi's wardrobe or something and I remind him that we shoot in Los Angeles where the temperature is in the nineties and the cast would be impossible if they had to wear winter clothes all day. We make some more small talk and then he hands the phone to Joey. 

I try to stay calm but I must admit that these calls are the highlight of my week. Sure we call and e-mail all the time but this I can count on like I used to be able to count on movie night. I ask her about the show and I'm relieved when she likes it. The critics can tear it apart for all I care but I want her to like it. Right now she's telling me about how Bessie is teasing her about Sammy's older sister walking in on her and Colby dry humping on the coffee table. She's laughing about it, which is good. I always get a little nervous when I include real life things about sex on the show. I don't want to air it all out there, but I guess only her and Bessie know the truth. 

I must be quite a sight. A man with a top ten network show holed up in his office getting settled in for a long talk with his high school sweetheart, slash best friend, slash soul mate. There about a million other things I should be doing right now but I can't think of one. I love her. God I love her. When she says she'll be in LA my heart skips a beat. It's not exactly that I'm trying to steal her away from her boyfriend and, I guess, my other best friend it's that I truly believe we were meant to be together body and soul. I once said that all roads lead back to me. Joey just hasn't reached her destination. 


	2. Chapter Two

Disclaimer: I am in no way connected to Dawson's Creek and no copyright infringement is intended.

Notes: This is a D/J fic set after the final episode with the alternating POV's of Joey, Pacey, and Dawson 

Rating: R for language and some sexual situations.

****

Body and Soul

Chapter Two

****

Pacey

As we drive I can't help but look down at the hand on my knee and think that I'm the luckiest man alive. Sure, I used to drive a sports car and now I drive a Chevy truck with an Icehouse advertisement on the door, but it's my restaurant and my dream girl that has her hand on my knee. Woman, she would correct if I told her what I was thinking. And I don't belong to anyone, she would add as an after thought. The only problem is that she's leaving again, Phoenix for a few days, then Atlanta, then Los Angeles. I hate that we only get to live part of our lives together because of work and distance. 

There are so many things that I want to tell her. I want to say that I'm thinking about selling the Icehouse and starting a restaurant in New York so we could live together. I want to tell her that I'm ready to get married and I want to tell her that I want her to have my children. What I really dream about though is having Joey come to Capeside, us getting married and raising a family and running the restaurant together. Of course I hardly ever think about that because entertaining that fantasy is futile. Last week she helped out when we were short staffed. She didn't say it but I could tell she thought she would never have to do that again. Plus, she really isn't a very good waitress. I made the mistake of casually mentioning how great it would be if our family could run the restaraunt someday. I could see the change in her immediately. She just laughed and said it didn't work out too well for her parents. I wanted to say that I'm not a cheating drug dealer who just got sent back to prison last year to finish a twenty year sentence due to a parole violation. Of course I didn't, I just let the whole thing drop and fade away. I think it has now because things appear to be back to normal. If I were ever to sell my restaurant and move to New York it would have to be a slow and subtle process. In the end Joey would have to think that it was her idea. 

I have to admit that I feel like a fool for being so jealous last night. Dawson and Joey dated when they were fifteen, so what? I know what. What happened between them wasn't just four months of dating it has been a lifetime of something I've never experienced, only witnessed bits and pieces of. It's obviously so important that he felt the need to make two movies and a television series about it. Joey has done her fair share of story telling as well. There was that kiss essay and later a few short stories that she let me read over the years. But they're best friends; it's not like I didn't know that coming into this relationship. I can't claim ignorance when I get jealous. It's really silly when I actually stop to think about it. I've seen some of the tail he gets and it pretty high quality. Right now Dawson's so busy with work he says he has no time to put into a relationship. To think that he's waiting in the wings to steal away my girlfriend is just ridiculous.

I wouldn't even have Joey by my side right now if it hadn't been for Jen. During one of the last times I talked to her she said she was going to use her dying wish on me. I told her not to waste her wish and to use it on something more productive like peace in the Middle East or something. When I could tell that she wasn't joking around I told her I would do whatever she asked. I just assumed she would ask me to help Jack look after Amy or something, when she told me to let Joey go I couldn't believe it. Jen told me that I would never be happy in my life as long as I held on to the idea that Joey and I could someday get back together, it was holding me back from truly being happy. After, I thought about what she said and I knew she was right. Seeing Joey (and Andie and Audrey for that matter) reminded me of the type of woman I could have and needed to have in order to be happy. I wasn't happy with stolen moments from some old skank. So I did what I knew I had to do, I told her that she was off the hook. Looking back now I think that Jen knew if I let her go only then could she really come to me. Sort of that whole if you love her set her free deal.

****

Joey

I can't help but be a little relieved to be leaving Capeside. It's not that I want to leave Pacey it's that I want to go back to the city. Since my promotion and getting together with Pacey I hardly get to spend anytime at my apartment anymore. I miss waking up on a Sunday and relaxing by myself while I read the Times. But I love the travel part. How else could I get to see the entire country? 

Right now I'm trying desperately to read these manuscripts. I have to have them done by the time I get to Atlanta. I suppose if I really get in a bind I could just fake it. That's what I did after Jen died. Sometimes I had no idea what I was recommending be published. I would read a little from the beginning a little from the middle and a little from the end. If I liked that I would recommend it and save the proofing for later. Of course when everything with Jen was pretty much settled I came back and found out that I had recommended that some real crap be published and was stuck proofing it. 

I put my hand on Pacey's knee so that he'll stop trying to put his free hand down my pants. I don't want to be mean about it but it's distracting and I have to get this done. Things are better between us now. That whole let's have our family run the Icehouse thing wasunnerving to say the least and scary as hell would be more accurate. At first I thought he was joking but when I looked up I saw he was serious. No way in hell will that ever happen. I didn't go to Worthington so I could be a waitress; I was a waitress so I could go to Worthington. My mom hated running that restaurant. It made her miserable. Plus I'm a sucky waitress. Long gone are the days that my friends would come into Hell's Kitchen run up a seven dollar tab and somehow end up leaving about fifteen dollars for the tip. 

Maybe I'm holding Pacey back. I know that he wants the wife and the kids – the whole deal. The thing is I do too but it's a someday thing with me. For him it could be a tomorrow thing, well maybe not tomorrow but soon. When I think about it we've only been dating about seven months. We dated longer in high school. Pacey can imagine how domestic bliss will be down to the middle name of the fourth child. When I try to imagine it I can see the house and the dog clearly but the kids are blurry and so is the husband. I try to push that idea out of my mind. Great, maybe I'm ruining Pacey's chance at happiness too. I should stop doing this to myself. My therapist says that I have to make a conscious effort to stop the self-depreciating thoughts that seem to plague me. They cause me to act hostile and distant to cover up my own insecurities. Hostile and distant is something I do pretty well. This is all too much to think about when I'm supposed to be working. Great, another call.

"Hello," 

"Hi Ms. Potter." It's my idiot secretary.

"Hi Bruce, what's happening?"

"Well, it seems that LA needs to bump up one of their meetings to tomorrow morning so Atlanta and Phoenix are out of the picture for now. You're not already at the airport, are you?"

"No, about forty minutes. Are you saying that the Atlanta and Phoenix meetings are cancelled."

"Yeah," he replies. "You know the LA publishing house pulls rank."

"Where exactly am I going when I get on the plane today?" I speak slowly as not to confuse the most self obsessed, lazy, and slow secretary to ever grace the profession. The time he sent me on a plane to the wrong Springfield is at the front of my mind. 

"Los Angeles. You have one of those e ticket thingies so I called and changed it. There shouldn't be any trouble."

"How long am I staying?"

"You'll stay through next week and then of course week after that is Thanksgiving."

"Did you call the hotel?" 

"I'll get right on that Ms. Potter." Great he hung up. I hope I have a place to stay when I get there, if I get there. That whole e ticket thingie does not sound too reassuring.

I can't help but be excited about spending more time with Dawson. I smile a little and squirm in my seat. I hate this truck. It has to be the bumpiest ride rivaling only that blue pickup we used to have. But I feel guilty too. Guilty that the thought of spending time with Dawson excites me more than going to see Pacey. But I hardly ever get to see Dawson and I can pretty much see Pacey whenever I want. But the doubts are back. Pacey or Dawson, did I make the right choice? Maybe I just should have let them both go. Pacey was ready to let me go. He said I was off the hook. Is that why I chose him? Because he said he could live without me and I couldn't have him doing that. I couldn't have him out there paying attention to and loving someone else. This way I sort of have them both because I know that I will always have Dawson's love in one way or another. If that is true than I am truly the most selfish person who ever lived. Well maybe not that ever lived, but hands down the most selfish person I know. If I picked Pacey just so I could keep him to myself then I have bigger problems than I thought.

"Was that work?" Pacey asks.

"Yeah." I try to sound as casual as I can. "It looks like the Atlanta and Phoenix parts of my trip are cancelled."

"What about LA?"

"I'll be there through next week and then come to Capeside for Thanksgiving like planned."

****

Pacey

Great. I can tell by Joey's end of the conversation and the way she's wiggling around in her seat like an excited child that she has to go straight to Los Angeles right away. Since she didn't tell me who was on the phone and appears to be lost in thought at the moment I might as well ask.

"Was that work?" I ask.

"Yeah." I can't read any emotion in her voice. "It looks like the Atlanta and Phoenix parts of my trip are cancelled." 

"What about LA," I prompt.

"I'll be there through next week and then come back to Capeside for Thanksgiving like planned."

"Maybe you could catch a flight back with Dawson." I hope that didn't sound as bitter as it did in my mind. 

"Great idea!" I guess it didn't. "Oh that reminds me..." Joey takes out her cell phone and dials.

"Hey," she reclines her seat back a little. "Yeah, I'm on way to Logan right now." I try to keep my mind on the road and look straight ahead. "Change of plans. I'm going right to LA and I'll be there until Thanksgiving." There's a pause and I can't help but glance over at her. I notice that she has put her manuscripts down and is staring out the window. "Yeah, I know. And Pacey had a great idea about us taking the same flight back to Capeside." There's another pause and I can't help but wonder what he's saying to her. "Cool. If that's no trouble for your secretary. As it is mine has his head so far up his ass that I'm not sure I'll have a hotel room when I get there." Now I know I can stop listening. Joey can bitch about her secretary for hours. "You shouldn't make offers like that if you can't back them up. For all you know I might be at your door step tonight." Well that snapped me back to reality.

****

Dawson

The worst part about living in LA is that you are forced to spend half of your life in your car stuck in a gridlock of traffic. I don't care what the traffic report says because everyday I get in my car and inch to work. It would probably be faster for me to get on my hands and knees and crawl but like the rest of the masses I lean back in my seat and once in a while honk my horn for emphasis. The only good thing is that it gives me time to think. I spend a lot of time thinking about the show. We're already trying to get the script out for sweeps. The question that I'm battling with is should I break Sammy and Colby up? I don't want to; writing their story has been some of the best writing in my life. The writing team and I continue to toss back ideas everyday but we're not much closer to getting it done. I put in one of Joey's Counting Crows CDs to help me think. I gave them back to her senior year but asked to borrow them again before graduation and took them to college with me. Thief. I guess they are mine now. They are scratched and skip and I should probably stop playing them but they help me think. 

I can't help but think about Joey coming to LA. After we talked last night if I said I wasn't excited I would be lying. It's not like I sit around and spend my days waiting for Joey to come back to me. I date other women as best I can with work. I'm not exactly sure what happened to that boy who said that he could only sleep with someone he loved because I sleep with a lot of women I don't love. Somehow I still think I'm one of the good guys but the standard for gentlemanly behavior has been lowered to always calling the next day whether I want to or not. I guess that it's easier to say that you will only sleep with someone you love when you're a seventeen year old virgin who knows that the girl he loves is right there, all that you two need is a little time apart. 

I think that it will take time, and time I have. I used to think time was our enemy but before Jen died she told me something that would change my entire perspective. Jen told me that she was going to use her dying wish on me. I told her not to waste a perfectly good wish but when she insisted I relented. I would give that woman whatever she wanted and she knew it. When Jen told me to give Joey time to come back to me I couldn't believe it. She said that even though I thought that time was the enemy in our relationship that Joey needed it to grow up. Jen told me to keep hoping but not to let that hope rule my life. To live and love but to always be open to the fact that someday my soul mate was going to come and profess her love to me.

I'm not sure exactly when Jen perfected her Zen like act but she had this amazing way of offering just the right advice without really being told what was wrong. I think that she always had that wonderful gift and kept perfecting it over the years. Great another call from the office.

"Dawson here."

"Hey." It's Joey she must be on her way to the airport.

"Are you on the way to the airport?" 

"Yeah, I'm on my way to Logan right now. Change of plans. I'm going right to LA and I'll be there until Thanksgiving."

T his is perfect. Jo and I haven't spent more than two or three days together since Jen died. "That's great, Jo. Now we can most definitely find the time to get together and you can finally see the set."

"Yeah, I know. And Pacey had this great idea about us taking the same flight back to Capeside." 

"That is a great idea. I'll have my secretary make the arrangements."

Now as she starts to complain about her secretary I can't help but smile. I hate planes and I hate flying in planes. Usually Joey has this little habit of making me really not want to get on them, but I think that I can handle a cross-country flight with her by my side. When she says that she might not even have a place to stay my heart skips a beat. I want to tell her not to even bother with the hotel and just come and stay with me.

Thinking better of it instead I joke, "Well I'll be sure to change the sheets in the guestroom." That was good. Suggestive yet innocent and it lets her know she's welcome anytime. God I hope her secretary messes up.

To be continued


	3. Chapter Three

Disclaimer: I am in no way connected to Dawson's Creek and no copyright infringement isintended.

Notes: This is a D/J fic set after the final episode with the alternating POV's of Joey, Pacey, and Dawson 

Rating: R for language and some sexual situations.

****

Body And Soul

Chapter Three

Joey

"What do you mean not until Tuesday!" Great. Just fucking great. I have no place to stay until Tuesday. 

"Don't worry Ms. Potter. I just have to call around to a few more places and I'm sure that we'll be all set." 

"WE wont be all set," I can't help but almost yell. "It's me that doesn't have a place to stay. You better be calling around. This is a major metropolis, you can't tell me that every hotel is booked from Thursday through Tuesday because it is simply not possible."

"Well," Bruce starts out tenitivly. "I guess there is some sort of trade summit thing going on there this weekend. A lot of stuff is booked but I'm sure I'll find something."

"You better find something. I'm on a layover at Dallas now and in twenty minutes I'm going to be on a plane to Los Angeles so I think a place to stay would be an imperative part of my trip." I rethink it. "You know what, don't bother. I'll just stay with friends until Tuesday. Don't call and change my reservations. I will be checking in to the hotel on Tuesday." I try to speak as slowly and clearly as I can. This guy could mess anything up. "Just don't do anything at all, alright."

I dig through my bag and find my cell phone at the bottom. I've only got about twenty minutes before I have to get on the plane and turn off my phone. I'd hate to fuck with the pilot's radar or whatever reason it is you can't use a cell phone on a plane unless the cabin door is open. Shit, busy. This isn't exactly the kind of bomb I want to drop in a voice mail. At least I've read everything that I have to for work. Canceling some of my stops allowed me to catch up. Before I try him again I should probably pick up something to read. Worse case scenario it will serve as a shield from whatever slimeball I end up sitting next to that not so graciously offers to make me a member of the mile high club. Of course I'm already a member but no need to tell him that. Hmmm I guess a People magazine and a Cosmo should help me through this.

Good. It looks like the seat next to me is going to be empty. I hate having someone next to me hogging the armrest and trying to strike up a conversation. I have to try Dawson one last time. I can't help but be a little nervous. I know that he was joking when he said he would change the sheets for me, but I'm his best friend I'm sure he won't mind if I crashed at his house for a few days. What if he has a woman staying there? Oh God. My stomach sinks a little at the thought of him and another womanhaving sex. I hate to think of him with other women. To this day it still drives me crazy with jealousy. Of course now I could never admit it so I usually tease him about it calling him a bass ass stud and man about town. About two years after we slept together and the pain became duller we started to tease each other about sex — with each other - with other people. I had jokingly told him part of the reason that we slept together was that I couldn't go to my grave without knowing what it was like to have a night of love with the Great Dawson Leery, that the curiosity would have been unbearable. I was partly telling the truth it was something that I had always wondered about. Actually I had wondered about it in great detail. I think they call that fantasizing but

"Dawson here." Well that brought me back to reality.

"Hey, it's me."

"Joey! Are you in already?" 

"No, I'm in Dallas right now. I actually kind of have a favor to ask you." Why on earth am I so nervous? This is Dawson. I've known him forever. We've slept in the same bed for crying out loud, why am I having trouble asking for the guestroom?

"Did you change the sheets." I can't help but make it sound a little flirtatious. I love flirting with him. It's a harmless past time, really. 

"Of course. The very prospect of a beautiful women cohabitating with me was more than enough prompting."

"Good cause I'll be cohabitating with you until Tuesday, if that's alright." I drop the flirting act. I can't keep it up with Dawson being so damn cute. I know him well enough to know that he is indeed being so damn cute, even over the phone with miles separating us. 

"Of course, Jo." He drops the flirting thing too. "Anytime. Are you leaving on Tuesday?"

"No. Still going home with you." Thank God I'm going home with him. This will be hard, the first holiday with everyone together without Jen. "On Tuesday my hotel reservations kick in."

"What time are you going to be at the airport? I'll send a driver down."

"A driver?' I can't help but smile. "Sounds glamorous," I tease.

"Well Dawson Leery is nothing, if not glamorous." I can't help but laugh.

"I should be in at two, LA time. Thankfully my meeting isn't until tomorrow and I have my weekend clear as far as I know. It will almost be like a vacation. 

"So you'll be able to see the set today?" He sounds hopeful. 

"Yeah, that would be great." 

"Great Joey. I'll look forward to seeing you today."

"Me too. Se ya soon. I love you."

"I love you Joey. Bye." 

I hang up and feel a lot more relaxed, almost giddy. Seven months ago we never would have said I love you during a simple phone conversation. As sad as it is it was Jen's death that allowed us to say it more often. With her passing came a more urgent need to affirm what we mean to each other. It started that day when we said what we have is beyond the realm of lovers, even best friends. After everything that has happened we just feel a lot more comfortable expressing the love that has always been there. Even in our darkest hours we have always loved each other. Love was never our problem. What was our problem? I can't help but lean back and sigh. The flight is going to take a while and I can't help go down the path of introspection and self-analysis, something I seem to be doing now more than ever before. The problem was me. 

****

Dawson

"Is the editing for the alternate endings for next week's episode done already?" 

"Sure is. We've just got keep everything secret and we'll be sound as a pound."

"Thanks Todd. I can't believe that this whole thing is causing such hysteria. I know it's sweeps but this is beyond anything I could imagine." Sometimes I actually have to pinch myself to believe that I'm here, in Hollywood, responsible for one of the hottest shows on the air. 

"Well," Todd continues. "What did you expect when you create this teaser. Promising that one of the couples will have sex but setting it up so that it could be anyone. It's actually brilliant because if the couple is leaked you can just air one of the alternate endings and no one will be the wiser. And by not telling the actors what shot you're going to use they can't spill it either. And we filmed it every way possible." 

"Great." 

"But the network is questioning your choice of couple."

"When doesn't the network question my choices." If I had listened to the network my show would be a disaster. They wanted me to do a story where Sammy gets desperate and takes a job as a stripper (yes she is fifteen but whatever). And then of course Petey hires Colby a stripper for his birthday because he is still depressed about breaking up with Kim. Low and behold when Sammy shows up to give Colby a lap dance. It was the most contrived and idiotic thing I had ever heard of. Plus I felt like I could never do that to Joey. I had to laugh when I saw the same plot played out on the show that airs right after ours. At least I escaped it. "Just a moment Todd. I've got a call."

"Hey, it's me." Joey, I can't believe she's here already.

But she's not she's in Dallas. And she has a favor to ask me. I can't help but think of the many ways that I could help her out and she could help me out. No. I have to keep my mind on the platonic track even as she's asking me in this naughty-innocent voice if I changed the sheets in the guestroom.

"Of course," I answer trying to match her tone. I can't help but flirt back with her. It's a dangerous yet enjoyable past time. "The very prospect of a beautiful woman cohabitating with me was more than enough prompting." Pathetic, but the minute I was off of the phone with her last night I went home and changed the sheets and made sure there were clean towels in the guest bathroom. Then I actually tidied up the house. I have someone come in and clean every two weeks but I didn't want Joey to think that I lived in a state of shambles, even though I do indeed live in a state of shambles. This was all of course in the off chance that she would be staying with me. Then what would I do? Seduce her? No. Just show her a good time. I think that her and Pacey's relationship will self-destruct on its own, just like before. I don't have to do anything but be patient and be her friend. 

And now she's telling me that she is going to stay with me until Tuesday. Including today and Tuesday that's six days! She actually wants to know if it's alright. Like I wouldn't welcome her into my house. I ask if she'll be leaving on Tuesday. I'm relieved that she will be flying back with me. We don't say it but it's there. This is the first holiday where everyone will be together without Jen.

Better than her coming home with me is the fact that she says she will come see the set. This is where all my hard work goes and I spend so much of my time, I just want her to see me in my element. I'm determined to show Joey a great time on this trip and as we continue to talk I can't help but daydream about the things we could do. Restaurants, parties, movies, plays, I just want to show my friend off. Before we hang up we say our I love you's. It's a new thing that we do since Jen has died. I don't think that either of us wants to waste a chance to say what we mean to each other. It is beyond lovers and best friends there are no words for it. I hope that I can portray on screen even one tenth of what she means to me.

****

Joey

God, I've been mulling over my life now, miles above the earth for at least a half-hour. Of course in the true nature of myself I have resolved nothing. Joey Potter, terminally confused about what she wants. Those nagging questions are all still there. When Jen said that her dying wish was to have this whole love triangle thing resolved I really didn't believe that she would be wasting her dying wish on me. But she was. If I hadn't been forced into admitting that I still carried a torch for my high school boyfriend (or as Bessie more accurately put it boyfriends) I probably could have dragged this whole thing out another couple years. Subtly suggesting to each of them that there was still a reason to hope, to hang on to what we had. Subconsciously telling them not to develop any real or long lasting relationships because I was there and there was the chance that they could have me once again. The chance that they in the end could win. Of course both of them would have realized how fucked up and unfair I was being and would have found perfectly lovely women to marry who I of course would hate without a valid reason for doing so.

When we all were still in college, well at least college age, we all used to make up nicknames for the people we dated. CJ we would call Crisis Jones, Jack's muscle bound boyfriend we would call Dan the Man because he always seemed to be taking his shirt off. Audrey had a boyfriend, Richard, who the guys called Slippery Dick, even to his face. It wasn't because of some weird sexual thing. Once he did this awful Richard Nixon impersonation and with a name like Richard it just stuck. There were countless others, some I don't even remember. The absolute worst was Geezer, my perfectly nice (yes fifty-year-old) boyfriend. It was made worse by the fact that he had hurt his knee playing racquetball and had to use a cane the first time Jack and Jen met him. It didn't last long. I fit in fine in his world but he didn't fit at all in mine. The whole nickname thing lasted until about a year after we graduated from college, not so long ago really. That was how I knew our group wasn't quite the clique it used to be. We accepted the outsiders without much thought. 

Thinking wasn't doing me much good. I need escapism. People Magazine, perfect. Casually I flip through, doing a double take at Josh Hartnet, still fine as ever. What the fuck. I pull the magazine close to my eyes and take off my reading glasses. It can't be. But it is. It's him. He has and interview in People. There's the picture of him in a director's chair. I have to put my glasses back on to read. The headline says Wonder Boy. I begin to read.

When I first came to meet director Dawson Leery on the set of his hit teen drama the _The_ Creek I'm stuck not only by his handsome good looks but by his gentlemanly behavior as he offers me a seat in his directors chair. I can tell that he hasn't lost his small town charm.

PM: You have said before that _The Creek_ is based on your real life experiences growing up in a small town on Cape Cod. How much of the show is fact and how much is fiction?

DL: You've done your research. I'd say about eighty five percent is fact and the rest is pure fiction. It's a show in the vane of my adolescent life. The characters and are based on my real people I knew, sometimes combinations of people I knew, different parts of myself.

PM: What about Sammy? Is she fact or fiction?

DL: Mostly fact and some fiction. The character is based on my best friend Joey Potter. We were fifteen she was my best friend, my girlfriend and I could see her coming to my house in her rowboat from my bedroom window. It was a magical sight to see. It made my adolescent heart do flip-flops. 

PM: Was she the love of your life?

DL: Yes, but it's not a romantic love anymore. We're still best friends. Soul mates.

PM: You're still in touch?

DL: Yes. At least once a week after _The Creek_ airs we talk on the phone.

PM: The show is a critical and commercial success, why do you think that is.

DL: It's about growing up. How high the highs are and how low the lows are. After you grow up you don't feel things to the extreme like that anymore. You don't let yourself feel things like that. Nothing turns out like exactly like you expect it to but when you look back that is precisely the way it should be. I just hope that the show reflects that growing up is about forming friendships. Some friendships change, some stay the same, some end, and others continue despite the people involved. That is if you're lucky. The show is successful because everyone can relate. The teenagers are living it and the adults can remember it.

PM: Can you at least give us a hint about who will hook up in the sweeps episode next week.

DL: I can tell you that it will be either Petey and Lexi, Kim and John, or Sammy and Colby.

PM: Well I had to try. What about in real life, is there a love interest?

DL: Work. That's my only love interest at the moment.

PM: Unfortunately I think our time is up. Well thank you so much for talking to us today.

DL: Thank You. I had a great time. 

And that's it. It's not like I can't believe he's done an interview with a magazine. He's done interviews before. The thing is he's never mentioned me personally before, never said my name. But it's not like he said it's about her, Josephine Lillian Potter who lives in the village and works at Craig Publishing House. All he said was Joey Potter. So why do I feel butterflies in my stomach? Maybe it's the turbulence.


	4. Chapter Four

Disclaimer: I am in no way connected to Dawson's Creek and no copyright infringement is intended.

Notes: This is a D/J fic set after the final episode with the alternating POV's of Joey, Pacey, and Dawson 

Rating: R for language and some sexual situations.

****

Body and Soul

Chapter Four

****

Joey

So this is it. This is where he lives. The house itself is exactly how I expected it to be, a sunny Spanish style one story with large windows and an adobe exterior. Inside it's a different story. It's just so modern. Actually I love it. The Le Corbusieur black leather couch and matching black Barcelona chairs and ottoman and a glass coffee table that I know is by a famous designer but I can't place it. Maybe Ford? I just didn't expect Dawson to decorate his home like this. I expected overstuffed chairs and a huge entertainment center and lots of pictures on the walls and tables, almost competing with each other for space. There isn't even a television. 

"The guest room is down the hall, I think." I had forgotten that I wasn't alone. Dawson's personal assistant, Kyle, is here. He seems like a nice guy. He tried to make conversation on the way back from the airport. Kyle looks more like a surfer than a Hollywood type. There's a hole in the knee of his jeans and I don't think he combed his hair today but the look works for him. 

"Right." I want to look around some more but I don't want Kyle to think that I'm a snoop or anything so I just open the first door in the hallway. This is the Dawson that I expected. There's a huge entertainment center in the middle of the back wall and two couches and three overstuffed chairs competing for floor space. On the walls there are pictures everywhere. Some of them I recognize from high school and college. Everyone is on those walls. Jen the cheerleader and Jack the football star are laughing and sharing a latte. Andie, Pacey, and Jack are smiling next to the lockers. Jen and I are laughing aboutsomething. When was that even taken? I don't remember. Jen's hair was shorter then but I can't remember what year she had it like that. Mitch and Gale are holding a baby Lily, God she was a beautiful baby. A radiant Jen is reclining in a chair rubbing her swollen stomach. I hated the way that Dawson would always be shoving a camera in our faces (be it either a still or a video camera). Now I'm glad that he was always there documenting these small moments in time that would have otherwise been filtered away by my mind and replaced with worries and deadlines. Dawson, we were laughing about Dawson. He had taken about a zillion pictures of us that day (we were seniors in college at Spring break in Capeside) and Jen leaned over to me and whispered Best lay of my life, what about you?' with a nod in his direction. I couldn't help but laugh with her about it and the absurdity of the whole situation. 

"This must be the family room." It was Kyle who spoke and stopped my trip to the past. It's funny how when we were in high school we talked about how much simpler things were when we kids, then in college we talked abut how much simpler things were when we were in high school, and the last time I came to LA we sat up until one in the morning in my hotel room saying how much simpler things in college had been. Had it ever been simple? 

"Yeah. I guess it is the family room." I opened the next door. I couldn't help but laugh. The towels were laid on the end of the bed B&B style with a little soap and there was a mint and a note on the pillow. Just keeping you in the style you're accustomed to,' it said. Cute. "I'll just get changed real quick and then we can go to the set." Kyle just stood in the doorway not taking the hint. "If you'll just excuse me for a minute," I closed the door hoping I wasn't being too rude. I opened up my suitcase and milled through the clothes. What exactly does one wear to the television set of her highly successful ex-boyfriend, one time lover, best friend, and soul mate? Jen would know. I can't help but smile at the thought. It doesn't hurt so much to think about her now. When I picture my mother I see her looking down on me from heaven but it's different with Jen. I feel her in a sudden gust of wind and I see her when the ocean waves foam on the shore. Maybe it's because she never believed in God but to me Jen Lindley is the miracle of nature; no beginning no ending, always there. I don't want to keep Kyle waiting so I settle on khakis and a tanktop. 

****

Dawson

Where on Earth could they be? I sent Kyle to pick her up about two and half-hours ago. Thank God we're not shooting today because I just don't have the attention span for it. What I'm trying to write right now is actually for February sweeps, not the November sweeps for next week. Of course I can't get very far when I still haven't decided if I should break Colby and Sammy up. I could bow to pressure from the network and do some sensational of the minute storyline. There are a million things that they have "suggested" to me; anorexia, drugs, date rape, I could go on. All of those things are relevant to teens and were when I was a teenager too, but if I do a story like that it has to be on my own terms, and developed to maybe even actually help someone. I'll just take a buzz down to the writer's room and bounce some of these ideas around.

"If Kyle and Joey come back just tell them I'm at the writer's room," I inform my secretary as I walk by. 

Then suddenly she's right before my eyes following Kyle off the elevator. God, she's beautiful. I can't believe that she's been on a plane all morning. She's...Joey. Since the day she was fifteen and I saw her in a dress I've always been amazed at her sheer beauty. I actually checked my yearbooks and pictures when I was fifteen and wondered if she had always been that gorgeous and I had just missed it. Sure enough she became pretty in sixth grade had breasts by eighth grade and blossomed in ninth grade. Somehow I had just missed it. Well that's not entirely true. I chose to ignore it. Sometimes the thought that she looked nice would pop into my head, like the time she dressed up as a cat for Halloween in ninth grade or the time I made her go on my date with Jen. The first time I ever had a sexual thought about her was when I accidentally saw her changing out of her bikini when we first started shooting Sea Creature From The Deep. That was the first time I ever saw a naked breast in person. I had a couple of pretty graphic dreams that I had brushed off as mere biology. The next week I met Jen and any erotic thoughts for Joey were pushed aside until I saw her the night of the pageant. Then, of course, it was like opening a floodgate. Even though we are currently in the realms of the platonic I can't help but appreciate just how stunning she truly is.

"Joey!" I shout to get her attention. She smiles when she sees me and my heart almost breaks. She brushes by Kyle and comes towards me with open arms.

"Dawson," she says simply as we hug for a just a bit longer than old friends usually would. "Look at you," she pulls away. My subconscious is already begging for another embrace. " You look great."

"So do you," I say truthfully pulling back even further thankful for the chance to openly check her out. "You cut you're hair a little shorter. It's nice."

"I just wanted to cut out the last of that dye job Audrey did for me a while back." 

"Well it looks fantastic," Yes, I said it again.

"So this is where you work. I imagined something smaller, like maybe your bedroom or like the set of that horror flick. I guess I'm not sure what I expected." I'm glad she's impressed. Hell, even I'm impressed that this is where I work.

****

Joey

As the elevator comes to a stop my stomach jumps a little bit. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous and majorly impressed. Kyle steps out ahead of me and I let him lead the way. 

"Joey!" I hear. I can't help but smile when I see him; he looks so damn good. I remember the first time I felt attracted to him. It was at my mother's funeral and he was holding my hand. I remember thinking how nice his hands were, soft with neatly trimmed nails. It just grew from there. That was during his oopma loompa phase. Now he's grown into such a man. I was awe struck when we actually slept together how much his body had actually changed. It was hard and muscular as opposed to when we were fifteen and dating. How he became so ripped while sitting on his ass was beyond me. Maybe it started from his whole house-painting job. Then of course there is the genetic factor. When Mitch was alive he was the perfect male specimen. 

"Dawson," is all can say while enveloped in his arms. He smells nice, like bleach. Now I know that our hug has lasted a little too long to be considered platonic so I reluctantly pull away. "Look at you." I'm happy that I can openly check him out. "You look great."

"So do you." I can feel him looking me up and down and honestly I love it. "You cut your hair a little shorter. It's nice."

Of course he noticed. I had completely forgotten. I just wanted to cut out that awful dye job that Audrey gave me last year. Dying my hair was a bad, bad idea. "I just wanted to cut out the last of that dye job Audrey did for me a while back."

"Well it looks fantastic." I smile at the compliment. 

I can't help but look around. This place is huge. There are people bustling everywhere each appearing to be on their own separate life or death mission. The dull roar quiets as people look to see who Dawson is making such a big fuss over in the hallway. I'm proud that it's me that has his attention and the attention of everyone around him and I'm proud of him. This wasn't at all the intimate place I was expecting; this is more of a machine. "So this is where you work," I finally manage to say. "I expected something smaller like maybe your bedroom or the set of that horror flick. I guess I'm not sure what I expected." 

"The thing is now I actually have a budget." He laughs when he says it but I still can't believe that he seems so at home here. "Com on," he puts his arm around me. "I'll show you around and then we can go to the set."

"Where's that?" I can't help but possessively lean into him smugly noting the looks I get from a few of the women. 

"On the lot, we just have to take a little golf cart there. This," he's leading me down the hall. "Is where we do all of the writing." I notice that there's actually a diagram mapping out all of the relationships between the characters. For some reason this strikes me as funny almost. I could have used that when I first tried to explain things to Audrey our freshman year. 

"But Sammy has way too way intimacy issues for that to work," one of the writers with thick black glasses is explaining to a woman. "She has major trust issues."

"But that's my point. Of course she won't be happy for long with Colby. She's going to find some excuse to run to Petey." 

"But that's so lame. No one will ever buy it. Sammy cares too much about Colby, she wouldn't cheat on him."

Dawson interrupts them. "I've already said let's nix the whole cheating idea. Sammy would never cheat on Colby." I can't help but feel embarrassed like I've overheard someone talking about me while I hid in a bathroom stall. "We're deciding weather or not to break up Sammy and Colby for sweeps."

"Next week!" They were so happy last week after they made up. I know that on a show like this you can't have the two leads dating for the entire time but it seems so sudden.

"February sweeps," he says casually. "Its never too early because we have to build up to whatever the outcome will be through other stories." 

"This is my friend Joey Potter." As Dawson finally introduces me I can see their faces change. They look like they've been caught passing a note about the teacher in class. They look guilty and embarrassed. It's obvious that they know that I'm Sammy or Sammy's based on me, or whatever. But the embarrassment becomes something else as they study me. They look like they are searching me for inspiration or the clues to what Sammy really would do. I don't like it. 

I was glad to get out of the writing room and continue with Dawson down the hall stopping at offices along the way. Todd greeted me with a hello love' and a slap on the ass but I wouldn't have expected less. It was actually nice to see him again. 

"Dawson." It's Sammy or according to the credits Julia Karen Brown. She's shorter than she looks on television she's maybe five-five, five-six. 

"Hey Jules." Surprisingly Dawson hugs her. "What are you doing here. I thought you would have already left for vacation." 

"I just wanted to say goodbye first."

"This is my best friend Joey Potter." When we shake hands I think that she realizes that her character is based on me because her whole demeanor changes from casual to observant. I don't like being dissected like that. My impulses tell me to do something crazy to shock the hell out of her but I just nervously tuck my hair behind my ear.

"Oh my God!" she's caught me off guard. "You like, totally really do that hair thing! It's even written in the actor's notes. Cool." I can see her examining me more closely as if all of Sammy's secrets will be magically revealed if se just looks hard enough.

"It's nice to meet you." I'm not sure what else to say. She seems sweet enough but I can tell that she's trying not to stare at me. 

"Well, I should be going. I have a plane to catch." I'm even more surprised when she kissed Dawson on the cheek. "Maybe we could get together and talk sometime." Julia Karen Brown offers.

"Sure," I say. What else could I say? No. I don't want you to pick my brain. 

"She's a nice girl," Dawson says as we join hands and continue walking. "I think she was surprised to meet you. She's a little sweetheart though. Actually my favorite actor to work with. I'd love to do another project with her." 

"So she's Molly Ringwald to your John Hughes," I joke.

"To a lesser degree, yes." 

****

Dawson

Having Joey here on my arm is heaven. I can't help but give the guys that look her up and don a she's with me look' as we go from office to office making our way around. 

"That's everyone," I say when were finally done meeting everyone. "There's just my secretary, Linda and then we can go see the actual set. 

"Linda," my secretary is a truly a God send. I've always been a big picture dreamer type and Linda is great at micromanaging to the tiniest detail. "This is my best friend Joey Potter." I'm always unsure how I should introduce her to people. Friend and even best friend don't describe what is to me and soul mate makes her sound like my new age lover or something. 

"Yes," she says to Joey. "I believe we speak sometimes on Wednesday nights." 

"Nice to match a face to the voice." Joey shakes her hand graciously. 

"Will you be attending the premier with Dawson tonight?"

"Huh?" Joey looks surprised. Those are my thoughts exactly. Linda must see the confused look on my face,

"David Dahl's movie premier. I sent you the reminder yesterday." Of course, David Dahl, one of my closet friends plus he helped me get the pitch meeting for my television show. I got so caught up in the thought of Joey coming that I totally forgot. Actually I had planned on an evening at home watching E.T. on DVD but I guess there is no better way to show Joey a good time in LA than by taking her to a Hollywood premier. 

"Would you want to go?" I'm not sure if she'll want to. I can see by the expression on her face that she's unsure.

"I don't think I have anything to wear. All I brought were a few black cocktail dresses."

"Perfect," I say at the thought. "A beautiful woman can't go wrong in a black dress." My mother actually told me that. "It's not as big a deal as it sounds. It's a small movie, no one big will b there." I can see her relenting

"Bessie's gonna freak when she finds out I went to a movie premier."

To be continued


	5. Chapter Five

Disclaimer: I am in no way connected to Dawson's Creek and no copyright infringement is intended.

Notes: This is a D/J fic set after the final episode with the alternating POV's of Joey, Pacey, and Dawson 

Rating: R for language and some sexual situations.

****

Body and Soul

Chapter Five

Pacey

It's a been a slow and a long day and Joey hasn't called. I stayed with her until she went to the gate. I sent her off with a kiss, I sent her to him. It's back. The jealousy. It comes so easily when I think of the two of them together. Call, please. I feel pathetic, the way I did senior year when things were going to shit between us. The love was there but I had nothing to offer her, nothing that she needed anyway. She didn't need a hero or a night in shining armor. Our lives were going in two separate directions; Joey was college bound and I was bound for anything that paid five fifteen an hour. 

I keep trying to tell myself that things have changed but when I look closer, and I hate to look closer, things are exactly the same as they were back then. Our lives are headed in completely different directions. Joey is in New York and has the whole world at her feet. My prospects are good too, but they're a different sort of prospects. Where I'm at now is about as high as I will climb in the world. Honestly, it's about as high as I want to climb. It's a good place for me to be but I know that it's not for her. So I'll give it all up. I'll go to New York or wherever and be what she wants. Not what she wants for me, what she wants for herself. I'll be upwardly mobile, I'll be educated, and I'll be slightly pretentious. I'll be all those things because that is what she is, where she's going. I love her so much it physically hurts sometimes and I can't let her go those places alone, or worse with Dawson. 

"Hi." A long limbed redhead sits down at the end of the bar. What a hot little number like that is doing alone here at eleven at night is beyond me. Probably waiting for her boyfriend. 

"What can I get for you?" I check her out but I know she knows that I'm doing it by the small smirk that invades her lips. 

"Hmm," I think that she may be deliberately nibbling on the edge of her lip in an effort to drive me crazy. "I don't know. Whatever you want to make me." Now I know she's flirting. 

"Sex On the Beach?" it's almost more of a suggestion than a drink.

"Sounds good." 

I'm feeling very flirtatious. "I'll just have to see some ID."

""I was only two grades behind you." She hands me her license anyway. Actually a decent photo, Janice Seymour it says. "You don't remember, do you?" her voice is thick with mock hurt. 

"Should I Janice?" I use her name on purpose and with emphasis. I hand her license back. I never did look at the date of birth, she could be seventeen for all I know. 

"My friends and I only made an extra circular activity out of following you around." 

"Did we have sociology together?" I think I might remember her. Add braces and take away the breasts and I think I've got it. "You used to let me copy your homework." 

"And you never looked at me twice. You were pretty wrapped up in Joey Potter." 

"Still am," I know that in the art of flirting it isn't always wise to mention your girlfriend but I can't help it.

"I thought you two broke up at prom?"

"We did. But just recently we got back together."

"So," she takes a sip from her drink. "Sammy and Petey found their way back to each other." 

The part about living in Capeside that sucks is that the town is The Creek crazy. Understandable, I suppose, when local boy makes good and puts his hometown on the map. Even the Icehouse has a little sign in front reading Real life inspiration for The IceBox of The Creek'. The sign was Joey's idea but it does bring in business with the summer tourist crowd. The Potter B&B has a huge sign of the same essence with gilded lettering at the entrance. Most people in Capeside know that Dawson based his show on real life and it was pretty easy for the town to figure out who was who on the show. What's even worse than people thinking they know the intimate details of your life are the people who think they were a part of it, of what we had. A few have come in here acting like they were just one of the gang, as if they watched movies in Dawson's bedroom or shared a table with us in the cafeteria. Nellie Olson, Warren, Belinda and countless others have come in here friendly as hell talking about the good old days with Dawson and the gang. They wouldn't give us the time of day in high school and suddenly they're my best friend and always did have a crush on Joey.

"Joey and Pacey found their way back to each other." I don't want to get drawn into a conversation about The Creek and I hope that she won't ask me who has sex on next week's episode. How the hell should I know? He won't even tell Joey. 

I can tell that she's not sure what to say now. Not only have I made it obvious that I have a girlfriend I've also made it pretty clear that I don't want to talk about the show. So we just watch the television for a while. 

Fuck. There's no escaping it. That damn commercial has been on about a hundred times in the past two days. I hear the intro music for it. One of these couples,' the announcer starts, and there's a clip of Kim and John with him doubting his sexuality, a clip of Lexi and Petey saying they hate each other before passionately kissing, and a clip of Colby and Sam in bed with Colby saying our first time in a foreign bed'. Then we see a barrage of clips as the music quickens. Will take their relationship to the next level. Find out next Wednesday on The Creek'. I don't care if Janice is watching this or not I change the channel.

"My friend is here," she gestures to a petite blond that just came in. "I have to go. What do I owe you?"

"On the house." 

"Here," she pushes a napkin with her number on it across the bar. I don't let her see me throw it away. I'm a flirt not a cheater. Her dad was a cheater I could never do that to her.

****

Dawson

I look at Joey again searching for clues to what she's feeling. There was a time that I could read those eyes better than my own. There was a time that she was mine. But even though she's not my girlfriend, she's still my soulmate and I can sense apprehension and something else. Fear, maybe?

"You alright?" I've asked her this before but I have to ask again.

"Yeah, just a little nervous. It's not everyday that little Joey Potter goes to a movie premier."

"You're not little anymore." I can't help but look her up and down appreciatively when I say that. My mother was right, a beautiful woman can't go wrong in a black dress. 

"I guess I'm not." She blushes a little bit and it may be one of the most endearing things I've ever seen. 

"You'll be great. All we have to do is walk down the carpet. Depending upon who else is around I may have to answer a few questions if they can't find anyone more famous, then we just go watch the movie. Then of course there's the party afterward." Joey is so strong it's nice to be in a position to let her lean on me a little.

"But we're here already why do we have to wait in the car for so long?" 

"They like to pace everyone so it's not a bum rush. This way the fans can see everyone and the photographers get good pictures."

"They won't take our picture will they?" She seems to get more nervous at the thought.

"Doubtful. I'm just the face behind The Creek. If the actors were here the photographers would go crazy."

"At the airport today I saw Petey on the cover of one of those teen magazines. It was weird." 

"Weird for them too. One minute they are struggling unknown actors and the next they are the new big thing. It's insane."

"How are they handling it? Sammy, or Julia, seemed to be pretty grounded."

"Well no one's in Betty Ford so by Hollywood standards we're doing pretty damn good." No one's there YET, I can't help but think to myself. But what do people expect when suddenly nineteen-year-old kids have the world at their feet. I remember when I was nineteen. There was no way I could have handled the pressure and scrutiny. 

"We're on," I say to Joey as finally they open our car door. The escort helps Joey out first and I follow after. It's cute how her hand instantly finds mine. I give her hand a reassuring squeeze and begin to lead her down the red carpet. 

This is strange because I can't begin to count the number of times I've fantasized about a moment like this. A movie premier, the red carpet, an almost painfully beautiful Joey on my arm. It's as real as anything can be that's an illusion. It's not my movie and not my girlfriend. Not that I'm complaining, I'm more than happy to just live this moment. I want to remember every detail. How thin the straps on Joey's dress are, how unusually warm it is for November, and how my heart is beating faster than it has in long time.

****

Joey

As we walk down the red carpet I can't believe that I'm actually walking down the red carpet. Actually it seems to be more of a corral for the rich and famous as photographers and reporters try to rope them in. David! Rena!' they call out fervently. Over here!' they demand. 

I'm trying to remember every detail because I know that Bessie will grill me about this over and over for years to come but all I can seem to comprehend is the way that Dawson's hand feels in mine. It's as smooth as it ever was but larger, more manly. I try to make note of all the famous people that I recognize. There are a few but no one really big. 

"Dawson Leery!" a lady with a microphone shouts. "Over here!" As Dawson leads me over to her I can't quite process that someone wants an interview. I just follow him.

"Can you tell us who will get together next week on The Creek?" I've heard people ask him this question at least twenty times today, even I'm sick of it.

"I can tell you that it will be either Kim and John, Petey and Lexi, or Sammy and Colby." He answers it the same way every time, even when I asked. 

"Well I for one can hardly wait for Wednesday night." She answers with a smile but I can tell it wasn't what she wanted to hear. "Who's your escort for the evening?" She tries a different line of questioning and turns to me. I would be lying if I said this question didn't freak me out. I don't want to have any attention focused on me. Dawson must notice this because he puts his arm around my waist and rests his hand on my hip. Thankful for the support I lean into him.

"Joey Potter," thankfully Dawson answers for me. 

"The real life inspiration for Sammy Gardner?" she becomes more interested in me. 

"Yes," Dawson answers simply. 

"Is it a love connection?" I can see her actually checking my finger for a wedding or engagement ring. 

"Best friends," he looks down at me and smiles.

"Soulmates," I'm not sure why I feel the need to clarify but I do. I look up at him. "Always." The word is meant for Dawson alone, not this pushy woman with an oversized microphone.

"Thanks," Dawson tries to wrap up the interview. I don't have to look to see that he is offering me his hand. Gratefully I take it and let him lead me away.

****

Pacey

Janice and her friend as well as most of the customers are gone now so I've decided to close the bar out early. Thursday nights are never that big. Joey's convinced me to show The Creek on the television and turn it into a sort of sweeps party. That should help business. It was a better idea before I knew she was going to be out of town. But Doug and Jack will be here for sure and probably Gale so it shouldn't be so bad. 

"Dawson Leery! Over here!" The voice from the television makes me lose count of the till. It's that obnoxious reporter from Entertainment television. I can't believe what I see. It's Joey and Dawson at some event thing. Well I guess she won't be calling. 

I think I might actually be sick. Jo's there at his side holding his hand. It looks like they're together and not in a best friends kind of way. I've been so struck by the fact that now Dawson has his hand on my girlfriend's hip that I haven't even been listening to what they are saying.

I have to actually concentrate on listening. "Joey Potter," Dawson says. Joey can speak for herself. 

"The real life inspiration for Sammy Gardner?" Why don't you tell the whole damn world that my girlfriend is still his obsession?

"Yes." I hate the way that he doesn't continue. I'm not sure why I don't like it. It's tooconfident. 

"Is it a love connection?" God, now I am going to be sick.

"Best friends," Dawson answers looking down at her almost as if he's going to kiss her. Please God don't have him kiss her.

"Soulmates." Why did she have to say that and look up at him with the moon in hers eyes? "Always." I feel like I've intruded upon a private moment between lovers. As I see her blindly reach for his hand, confident in the fact that it will be there, I feel as if I've already lost her.


	6. Chapter Six

Disclaimer: I am in no way connected to Dawson's Creek and no copyright infringement is intended.

Notes: This is a D/J fic set after the final episode with the alternating POV's of Joey, Pacey, and Dawson 

Rating: R for language and some sexual situations.

****

Body And Soul

Chapter Six

Joey

As I look over and see Dawson's head peeking out from the blanket a horrified rush jolts from my fingers to my toes. We fucked. No, seeing that my dress is still on and I have that grungy slept in my clothes feeling, I know that nothing happened. I didn't even realize that I missed that feeling as icky as it is. The clock says it is only six. Why the hell did I wake up so early? With the flight and staying out so late I'm jetlagged, exhausted, beat, fatigued. Pacey. That's why I woke up. I never called him. He still thinks that I'm staying at the hotel. I hope he didn't try to call. I don't want him to worry and I don't want him to be jealous. God, I feel like the worst girlfriend ever. 

I have to tiptoe so Dawson doesn't wake up. I'm not sure why I bother when I know I could probably lead a marching band through here and he would still be on his side snoring softly. As I gently close the door behind me I try to pinpoint why exactly I feel so guilty. It's more than just not calling. I know that it's staying at Dawson's, going out with him last night. I feel almost like I'm cheating. I'm not. I never would. But that's how I feel, unfaithful. Part of me asks if I would have done the things that I did with Dawson if Pacey were watching. Would I have held his hand, hugged him, kissed him, and leaned into his chest for strength when I was nervous? The answer is yes and no. I would have hugged him when I saw him and maybe even given him a kiss on the cheek but I never would have held his hand or put my arm around him and let him put his arm around me. But it was innocent. Friendly. Platonic. The thing is I know that Dawson and Pacey are friends now but they will never be like they were when they were sixteen. It just wouldn't be fair to Dawson or Pacey to flaunt my relationship with either of them in front of other. I wouldn't be overly affectionate with either of them if the other were around to see. Now I have to tell Pacey that I'm staying with Dawson. 

I try the office at the restaurant first since I know that he's probably at work already.

"Icehouse, how may I help you?'

"Hey Pace," When I hear his voice I realize that I do miss him a little.

"Joey. You called." He sounds relieved yet distant.

"Yeah," I try to sound as casual and cheerful as possible. "I'm sorry I didn't call yesterday but things were pretty hectic. There's some trade show or summit or something in town and every hotel was booked and I wasn't sure what to do so I remembered that Dawson and Audrey live here and neither would probably mind if I spent the night. Anyway, then I was thinking that I didn't even know if Audrey was in town or the country or whatever so I just decided that I would call Dawson and see if I could stay with him, in the guestroom. He said I could so I am. What I mean is that I'm staying in his guestroom for a few days. No big deal really, just a until Tuesday in his guestroom." Great, I'm rambling. I do that when I'm nervous. I just don't want him to get unnecessarily jealous. 

"I saw you last night." Why does he sound so restrained.

"Huh?" His voice is starting to scare me a little. I hate when it gets like that. I have no clue what he's talking about. "What do you mean?"

"I mean I saw you at that event last night. I saw your interview on TV."

"Oh that." Why am I terrified that he knows? I feel like a child that's been caught doing something wrong. But I didn't do anything. I just went out with my friend, my best friend. "That was nothing. Just a premiere for a friend of Dawson's. The whole thing was pretty last minute." 

"It didn't look like nothing." I hate when he does this, when he stays so calm even though he's obviously mad as hell.

"What do you mean by that," I try to whisper as best I can so Dawson doesn't wake up. If he has something to say then he should just say it. "If you have something to say then just say it."

"I mean that you two looked pretty cozy together."

"What the hell are you talking about? You know that he's my best friend."

"I'm saying that you looked extra friendly." I can hear his voice crack when he says this and it kills me. But at the same time I hate the way he's subtly accusing me ofwhat? What exactly is he accusing me of?

"What exactly are you accusing me of?" 

"Nothing. I'm just saying that it LOOKED like you two were more than friends. I just wonder how many other people got the same impression I did."

"I'm guessing none, since we told that reporter we were just friends. She asked and we told the truth. If you're jealous of Dawson just say so. Don't make this about something that it isn't." Oh no. I shouldn't have said that. I really shouldn't have said that. It's the thing you never say. I've done it now. The problem is I'm not a fair fighter, never have been. I always go for the jugular. 

"You know that's not true. I don't care what self indulged piece of shit he turns out next week, that's not the issue here."

"You're right, Dawson's show is not the issue," I hiss. "The issue is that you're still threatened by him and by our friendship when you have no reason to be."

"I see my girlfriend on television in the arms of another man and I'm"

"I was not in his arms!" I interrupt. "You're reading in things that aren't even there."

"You can't tell me that I didn't see what I saw."

"I'm saying that you are making more of this than there is."

"Joey, it's not that I don't trust you. Dawson is trying to lure you with all this Hollywood shit."

I can't help but laugh. "Dawson isn't trying to do anything but be my friend and be a good host. Listen Pace, I don't want to fight with you and I have to get ready for work. Can we talk about this later?"

"Fine," he mumbles. "Bye." 

"Bye." We didn't even say I love you. I hate when we fight. What's worse, I hate when we fight about Dawson because their will never be a resolution. It's not like I'll stop being friends with him. Once I told Dawson that all we have in the end are friends or something to that effect. Jen taught me that more than anyone. Honestly, I'd rather lose a lover and keep a friend.

****

Pacey

I called the hotel Joey said she would be staying at and wanted to leave a message for her at the front desk only to find out that she wont be staying there until Tuesday. Then I tried her cell phone and that was turned off. It must be about six in the morning there. I'm worried about her. Not as worried as I would be if I hadn't seen her with Dawson last night. As much as I hate to think about her with Dawson at least I know that she'll be safe. 

"Icehouse, how may I help you." I answer the ever-ringing phone automatically.

"Hey Pace." Thank God she called. Now that I hear her voice I realize that I already miss her. But just as quickly I remember what I saw last night.

"Jo, you called," is all I manage to say. I want to say What the fuck is going on down there? Why do you and Dawson look so damn intimate and why didn't you at least call me?' Of course I don't say anything like that. I have to stay calm and in control. I don't want to be that guy who can't handle his girlfriend spending time with another guy. I hate that guy. 

I know that she's nervous talking to me because she is starting to ramble about hotels and Audrey and Dawson. The only thing I really pick up on in the whole diatribe is the fact that she's said guestroom about a hundred times. I gather that she is sleeping in Dawson's guestroom. Through it all the image of her looking up at him with his arm around her waist is burning in my mind.

Finally I can't keep what I know in any longer. "I saw you last night." I try to sound as casual as possible. 

At first she doesn't even know what I'm talking about until I tell her that I saw her on television last night. 

"Oh that. That was nothing. Just a premiere for a friend of Dawson's. The whole thing was pretty last minute." For some reason this makes me angrier. Maybe it's the whole way she's playing it off. 

"It didn't look like nothing." I know that I should probably just drop it but for some reason I can't. I want to drop it and ask about her plane ride or something boring and neutral.

"What do you mean by that?" She whispering now, probably so she won't wake him up. The thought of that makes my stomach churn with anger, jealousy. "If you have something to say then just say it."

"I mean you two looked pretty cozy together."

"What the hell are you talking about? You know he's my best friend." Don't I know it. It's practically been her mantra since we were dating in High School.

"I'm saying that you looked extra friendly." I can't keep my voice from cracking when I say this. Truth is I just want to sit in my office and cry, but I'm not the crying type so we keep fighting.

"What exactly are you accusing me of?" she asks. The thing is I don't know what I'm accusing her of. It's not like I think she's cheating on me. 

"I'm just saying that it LOOKED like you two were more than friends. I just wonder how many other people got he same impression I did." How many people are out there thinking that director Dawson Leery is living happily ever after with his soul mate?

"I'm guessing none since I told the reporter we were just friends. She asked and we told the truth." She does have me there. They made it pretty clear that there was nothing romantic going on between them. "If you're jealous of Dawson just say so. Don't make this about something it isn't." I can't believe that she said that. It's like the thing that is never said because once it is you can't take it back. It's always there. I'm not jealous of Dawson the wonder kid director and whatever piece of shit he turns out this week. What I'm jealous of is Dawson the best friend who has a piece of Joey's heart and her entire soul. I'm jealous that Dawson has the best part of my girlfriend and now he has her all to himself. It's kindergarten but true.

"You know that's not true. I don't care what self-indulged piece of shit he turns out next week. That's not the issue here." A lie by omission I suppose.

"You're right. Dawson's show is not the issue." She hisses the words like a rattlesnake. "The issue is that you're still threatened by him and our friendship when you have no reason to be." So she finally hit the nail on the head. What should I do? I could admit it, I'm jealous because she will never give her full self to me. I could press her about it and say that as long as she's Dawson's soul mate we can never truly belong to each other. That would send her running so fast, and with Dawson there to comfort her I'm pretty sure how that would play out. I can't admit it.

"I see my girlfriend on television in the arms of another man and I'm," she cuts me off before I can dig myself a deeper hole. 

"I was not in his arms." But I saw you and him. "You're reading in things that aren't even there." Maybe I am. I know that I probably am. Why can't I just shut up already?

"You can't tell me that I didn't see what I saw." The image of them together speaks more to me than anything she could ever say.

"I'm saying that you're making more of this than there is." True, I am. But it's been building up for months now, when the almost victorious feeling I had when we got together started to fade.

"Joey, it's not that I don't trust you." I do. "Dawson is trying to lure you with all this Hollywood shit." I'm not even sure I believe the words as I say them.

Now she's laughing at me. Please, stop laughing at me like I'm some sort of child. She's saying that Dawson isn't trying to be anything but her friend, which I mostly believe. She says she doesn't want to fight and I don't either. Joey Potter, master of avoidance, wants to talk about this later. Actually, it's a good idea. I'm not thinking rationally right now. The worst part is we don't even say I love you' before we hang up.

****

Joey

I can't believe what just happened and yet I knew it was a long time coming. It's not like Pacey and I don't fight. We argue all the time. There is a pretty hard and fast rule in place, never fight about Dawson. We both broke it just now. I hate being so far away with a fight looming above my head. I should probably go take a shower but I don't have anywhere to be until lunch. I spy a copy of Men's Health on the coffee table. Well that does explain Dawson's biceps. For lack of anything else to do and a desperate need to divert my mind I flip through the pages. Then I come across a quiz. Hmmm. I thought only women's magazines have quizzes. "Are You An Emotional Cheater?" the title asks. I cringe but curiosity overwhelms me.

Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your Friend? Yes. That was what that whole fight was about. Would you feel comfortable if your partner overheard a conversation with your friend? No. Most definitely not. I tell Dawson what I wouldn't be able to tell anyone. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings? Well that actually just happened and I am most definitely not comfortable with it. Pacey obviously read more into the innocent gestures. That being said I would never be so touchy with Dawson if I thought Pacey was around. Do you confide more in your friend than your partner about the events of your day? Yes. But Dawson is great at letting me vent and making me feel better. Right now since we're both in office type environments it's just easier for him to relate. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details of your relationship with your friend but not your partner? No, actually. I pretty much try to keep the details of my relationship with Pacey out of our conversations. Are you aware of the sexual tension in this friendship? God am I ever. Do you and your friend touch differently when you're alone than you do in front of others? Yes. Are you in love with your friend? Yes, but not in the way this quiz means, I think. 

Six out of eight. I'm an emotional cheater, but I think I knew that already

To be continued.


	7. Chapter Seven

Disclaimer: I am in no way connected to Dawson's Creek and no copyright infringement is intended.

Notes: This is a D/J fic set after the final episode with the alternating POV's of Joey, Pacey, and Dawson 

Rating: R for language and some sexual situations.

****

Body And Soul

Chapter Seven

Dawson

Normally on a Friday I would stay at work until about eight but I know that Joey's probably already back at home so I rushed out of the office the minute the clock struck five. It was pretty barren anyway. People started to sneak out one by one around four o'clock. It happens every Friday and every Friday I pretend not to notice. I know that she's upset about something, but she played it off like it was nothing when I asked her about it. She knew that I knew she was lying but I let it go for the time being when she served me breakfast. That woman makes one hell of a breakfast. I remember there was a time when she would burn macaroni and cheese. 

I'm actually not even bothered by the traffic like I normally would be. I've been thinking about last night all day. I keep replaying the events like a movie reel; the way she held my hand, leaned in on me for strength, the way she impressed all of my friends with her beauty and intelligence. I remember how we had a bit too much to drink and just stumbled into my bed when we got home, sleeping the way used to, left to right. Our third time in a foreign bed if you count Joey's dorm room and my bed in LA as foreign. And before she went to sleep she kissed my cheek and said that she had a great time. It's actually a lot easier to write my Sammy and Colby scenes after I talk to Joey on the phone or after I read an e-mail from her. Having her here has magnified that tenfold. I wrote some great stuff today, happy stuff. I try to always balance out the good with the bad because that's how it happens in real life; some of the best moments are peppered with the most gut wrenching. A few examples from my own life are Joey and I saying I love you – but breaking up, and Joey and I finally sleeping together only to have that whole mess that followed. 

Oh God, now I'm thinking about that night we spent together. I don't allow myself to very often because I know that it's a road I shouldn't travel down, but traffic has stopped, and I'm feeling pretty good. Is it pathetic that the best sex I ever had was about six years ago? Probably. Is it pathetic that I remember every second of it like it was yesterday? Probably. But I do remember every moment. The pivotal point when our hug turned from friendly to explorative to urgent. It was almost surreal after so many years of wondering what she would be like in bed, what it would be like to be inside her, how she would come, to actually have it happen was indescribable. I was torn between the urge to be careful with her; almost reverent like she was one of the china dolls that my mom always kept high on the shelf in the spare room. And then there was the urge to break her down, to make her scream my name as she came, causing the people next door to bang on the walls and tell us to shut the fuck up. In the end I did both and I'm glad that I did. There was so much I wanted to do to her and for her that had been building up for years. Apparently it had been the same for her too because she murmured things in my ear that I never thought I would hear come out of Joey Potter's mouth unless it was in one of my dreams or fantasies. And I'm already home. I should take a few minutes to just sit and calm down before I go inside.

****

Joey

I'm glad that he's home because I've been picking over the events of the day way too much. I know that Dawson still suspects that there's something wrong even though this morning I told him I was fine before distracting him with blueberry pancakes. Usually I reserve making those pancakes for the morning after'. After a man has had a taste of those blueberry pancakes usually they're mine forever. I've had a lot of practice making them seeing as how I used to reside in a bed and breakfast that has been voted best breakfast' four years in a row. The only problem is after a guy tastes my pancakes he's usually under the false impression that I can cook other things that aren't ramen noodles. The time I burned the mac and cheese while Dawson and I were watching Alex comes to mind.

"Hey," he says as he comes through the door.

"Hey," I smile, not wanting him to think that there's anything wrong.

"I borrowed these and I want to return them." I look at what he's given me. My Counting Crows CDs from high school. I honestly haven't thought about these in years. I had just assumed that they had somehow found the trash can over the years. 

"I thought these were long gone."

"Quality wise, they are. I mean, I wouldn't recommend actually listening to them unless you're secretly a sadist or something." He laughs when he says it and I can't help but laugh with him. Of course now I'm curious as to what they actually sound like so I WILL listen to them later on. Maybe I am a sadist or something.

"What do you want to talk about?" I almost dread asking what he wants to talk about, remembering our deal to pass along the CDs whenever we needed to talk about something.

"I want you to talk." I was afraid he was going to say that. "I know something's bothering you."

Why am I always surprised when he can still read me after all these years? He could even tell when I lost my virginity. The next morning I had stood in front of the mirror to see if I looked any different, because honestly I didn't feel much different. I'm not sure exactly how I thought I would feel, like mountains had moved and the heavens had aligned or some girly shit like that. Yeah, I know I was expecting too much. I was expecting sex to suddenly heal all of the problems Pacey and I had instead of deepening the wound. What I never in a million years expected was Dawson actually being able to sense the change that I had been unable to see in myself, but when it happened I wasn't surprised. 

That was the reason that we had broken up the first time. He knew me as well as it was humanly possible to know another person. He could read my face, my eyes, and my body. It was strange that there were really no more secrets between us. Scary would be a better word than strange, and terrifying would be even better. Dawson knew me better than my dad ever knew my mom and it terrified me to down to the marrow of my bones. We were only fifteen and already we had an emotional and spiritual connection that transcended that of most married couples. What scared me was the question of where could we go from there. My therapist and I talked about it and she brought me to the grudging conclusion that I put up a lot of barriers so I would never have to answer that question. I broke up with him and went out with Jack. With him I had the exact opposite situation. He didn't know me all. It was safe. I liked it. It gave me some power and control in the relationship. I like to have the power and control in the relationship. It's easier to have that if they like you a little more than you like them or if they don't know you very well. Of course I couldn't control the fact that he was gay. That was as big a blow to my self-esteem as Dawson having a girlfriend when he slept with me. And after Jack it was one thing after another with us. Some big, like my lashing out at him after my father went to prison and some silly and contrived like us not talking the summer between freshman and sophomore year in college. But I should pay attention to Dawson who's staring at me expectantly. 

****

Dawson

I know that Joey hates it when I force a situation and try to get her talk. I have a feeling that it's something about Pacey and that's where her trepidation is coming from. As much as I would hate to give her advice about Pacey, I hate to see her sad. Truth be told I would do anything to make her happy, even if it's give her advice about Pacey. I'm her friend first. I think if I give Joey her CDs back it will help to smooth things over and ease her into a conversation.

"Hey," I say as I come through the door.

"Hey," she answers. She smiles as she says it but what she doesn't know is that I can read her face, her eyes, and her body. They betray her smile. 

"I borrowed these and want to return them," I hold out the CDs.

"I thought these were long gone," she says with a slight look of amusement.

"Quality wise they are." It's true. Even though I listen to them some songs sound like an orchestra of untuned cats. "I mean I wouldn't recommend actually listening to them unless you're secretly a sadist or something." As we laugh about it I think that I must be a sadist to be here with Joey thinking about how wonderful she is and trying to get her to talk about her problems with her boyfriend. Yes. I am definitely some sort of sadist.

"What do you want to talk about?" I can almost sense the dread in her voice. 

"I want you to talk." It's a bold move on my part. She could straight up tell me it's none of my business and she would be right. "I know something's bothering you." 

I can see the conflict in her eyes. What is it exactly? Is she struggling between loyalty to her romantic relationship with Pacey and her platonic, yet emotionally intimate relationship with me?

****

Joey

"This is kind of a hard topic to broach." I finally say after struggling with my loyalty to my relationship with Pacey and the platonic, yet emotionally intimate relationship I have with Dawson. Pacey would flip out if he knew I was talking about our relationship with Dawson. Wasn't there just a question on that quiz like this? 

"You know you can tell me anything." It's true I can tell Dawson anything and if I'm pulling some shit he'll usually call me on it. Now that Jen's not here anymore he's really the only one around, with the occasional nugget from Bess, who will call me on it and try to tell it like it is. Dawson was the only one I told about going to therapy. Pacey says with certain exceptions therapists are full of shit and are just out to rob people who need to get over themselves. When he said certain exceptions I think he meant Andie. When I told Dawson he said it was a good idea and probably long over due.

"I talked to Pacey this morning." I pause for a moment and gauge his reaction. He just nods. "And well we sort of got into this fight."

"About what?" he finally asks after a moment or so of silence.

"That's the thing. I'm not exactly sure. It was a bunch of things and nothing really." Suddenly the pattern on my skirt has become interesting. "He saw us at the premiere on television. He saw the interview and everything."

"Oh," is all he says.

"He says that it looks like there was more going on between us even though he doesn't really think so. So it's nothing really."

"Jo, that's crazy. There's nothing going on between us. We even said so to that reporter. Did he see that part?"

I can only nod. "I think he's jealous." I finally say. "But he has no reason to be."

"Joey," I can tell that Dawson has his thinking cap on and it's very endearing. I shouldn't be doing this to him, laying out my problems with Pacey like this. It's selfish. This can't be easy for him even if there are no romantic feelings left. "If Pacey has a problem with your friendship with me than the problem is inside of him, not with you." He's speaking very slowly as if he wants every word to come out just as intended. "It's not as if he was unaware of the situation between any of us. He knew the whole tumultuous history behind everything. Your amazing capacity for friendship is one of the best things about you. Pacey should appreciate that part of you as much as he cherishes any other aspect of your personality." Honestly I feel a bithearing Dawson use the words Pacey and cherish in the same sentence. 

I know that he's right. Pacey did know the situation coming into our relationship again. He can't plead ignorance. Dawson and I were friends before anything else ever happened. On the other hand it can't be easy for Pacey to see that Dawson, someone who he has compared himself to his entire life, still has such a close relationship with his girlfriend. I think that Dawson has more to say but the phone interrupts us. 

"Hello," he says. "Hey Audrey!" After he says that he mouths the words It's Audrey,' pointing at the phone. There's the span of a couple minutes where Audrey must just be gabbing away per her usual self. The last time that I saw her was Jen's funeral. How sad is that? She's the best girlfriend that I have and the last time I saw her was when the first real friend that I had who was also a girl died.

"No, actually I'm not. Uh huh. Well the set's on vacation that week so" There's a few more minutes of uh huhing' on Dawson's part. "You know I can't tell you that. You have to watch the show to find out."

"Because," Dawson sighs. "Fine. The next female character on the show I'll name after you." I can't help but smile as Dawson tries to get a word in edgewise. I can attest to the fact that it's a lot easier to talk to Audrey in person than it is to talk to her on the phone.

"Joey's here." Dawson finally blurts into the phone. I can't help but smile as Dawson holds the receiver away from his ear. Audrey must be shrieking into the phone. Then he hands me the receiver. 

"Hey, Audrey."

"Bunny!" she gushes. "Why on earth didn't you tell me that you're here in LA?"

"I thought you were in Europe."

"That was a whole three days ago."

"Well than there you go," I answer.

"Did Dawson tell you that since the set is shut down next week were totally going to have a little sweeps party for The Creek at my house on Wednesday. We just decided that. I can't believe that he won't tell me who fucks who. Did he tell you? Did it really happen like on the commercials? I'm pretty sure it's not Sammy and Colby, I was there for that." I really don't feel like telling Audrey all about Abby Morgan and that whole mystery project she was working on. I have a feeling that is what Dawson's inspiration for the episode is based on. 

"No, he didn't tell me. And you don't just have little parties." The time we almost got evicted from our apartment senior year when Audrey decided to have a little' party instead of going away for Spring Break is fresh in mind.

"And I'm totally psyched to be able to spend Thanksgiving with you guys. It's going to beat the hell out of whatever my parents had planned."

"So you can come?"

"Yeah," Audrey finally takes a breath and I must admit that I've missed these give and take conversations that we have. "I'll be playing at some Boston coffee houses the week after so I'll be headed that way anyhow. I already checked with Dawson though and we have different flights."

"Oh, that's too bad." Actually it's not. Flying with Audrey makes me edgy. She gets nervous, then loud, then fidgety.

"I'm sorry but I have to go now." Audrey's apologizing. "I didn't know you'd be in town so I already made plans for tonight. I'll see you before my party though. Promise. Love ya hon. Bye."

"Bye Audrey." I can't help but be somewhat amused by her antics. Audrey is just as much fun as she was in college. That whole girl with guitar thing she developed really helped mature her though. Last time I talked to her she was working on her own record whenever she could. Audrey is able to take that same sometimes brutal honesty and turn it inward with amazing musical results. 

"She's crazy but she's one of those people I can't imagine not knowing," Dawson says as I hand him his phone back.

"I know what you mean," I agree. "Can we go get something to eat and finish our talk later?" I must admit that I'm starving and would like to change the subject to something a bit lighter if that's possible. 

"What, you're not making dinner?" Dawson says it with such a goofy smile that I can't help but smile along with him. 

"Do I need to remind you of the time I almost burned my house down trying to make you mac and cheese?"

"But breakfast was great."

"Breakfast is breakfast." Damn I probably shouldn't have said that with my flirtatious smile but I did. I couldn't help it. It was that goofy smile. Goofy but endearing.

"Indeed it is." Now he's flirting back.

"Let's go." As I grab his hand to drag him out of the family room that Dawson calls the media' room a picture of Jen catches my eye. I think it was taken that summer Pacey and I went to the Keys. She's kneeling behind a sandcastle in her bathing suite with Jack and Andie. 

As I look at her it brings back another memory. When the six weeks after her c-section had passed I promised to meet her at the gym every Saturday until she exercised her way back into her favorite pair of jeans. It wasn't like she had gained that much weight to begin with, unlike Bessie who had almost doubled in size before Alexander was born. As we were changing before our workout I noticed the half-smile, hot pink scar that dipped across her lower abdomen. I couldn't help but stare at it. It was hard to believe that they had actually taken a baby out of there. Jen's baby. 

"It's okay," Jen said as she traced across its red heat with the tip of her index finger. "You can look at it." So I did. Somehow that scar just made Jen's motherhood so real. I had been there after Amy was born and visited Jen and the baby at her apartment a few times but it was still hard for me to believe that she was a mother. But now it was like she was branded or something. 

"Actually," Jen continued. "It's the most favorite part of my body. Someday I'll be an eighty-six year old woman in a nursing home and the poor son of a bitch that has to give me a bath will know that I'm somebody's mother. Someday Amy will leave me but I'll always have an imprint of her on my body." The strength and truth of those words impacted me so profoundly that I didn't even know what to say. It was obvious that Jen was living on a whole separate plane than I was. My world was deadlines and petty arguments with Chris and drinking one more glass of red wine than I probably should before going bed. Jen's life had purpose and direction. She was a teen counselor and volunteer and at the same time was contributing to the world by molding another little life. It was almost incomprehensible that she was the girl who I once thought had her whole future written on her face; a liberal arts college, a pedigree husband, three children, and a refurbished farmhouse in Connecticut. I couldn't have been more wrong if I had deliberately tried. 

"What's your other favorite part?" That was all I could say. I had just realized how trite my life actually was and all I could ask was what her other favorite body part was.

"Huh?" she asked.

"You said that was your most favorite, what's your other favorite?"

"My breasts." I swear she gave me an almost flirtatious smile. 

"You used to hate your breasts."

"I know, but now that I have Amy they serve a whole other purpose. It's like, oh so that's what they're there for. Plus they got bigger." She laughed when she said that and continued getting dressed. 

I cried that night when I got home and looked at myself in the mirror before I went to bed. I traced an invisible line across my own abdomen trying to imagine what it would be like to have another life inside of me. I held my breasts and tried to imagine them heavy with milk. I tried to imagine there was a baby asleep in the next room. And I cried. It's not like I wanted to have a baby. I just wanted something.

"Joey," Dawson is actually gently shaking my arm, trying to get my attention. I wonder how long he's been doing that. I see him follow my gaze to the picture of Jen.

"Wait just a minute." I rush over to my laptop because I have to get this all down before I forget. I flip it open and feel Dawson looking over my shoulder as I open the document titled, Things I Wish I Knew About My Mother'.

I know that he read my whole entry as I wrote it but I feel the need to explain what I'm doing to Dawson. I want him to fully understand. "I'm writing down all of my memories of Jen for Amy. Not just my memories though. I started with Grams first for obvious reasons and I just had lunch with her dad two weeks ago. He told me a great story about how he took her out for ice cream that summer she stayed in the Hamptons with him. Slowly I'll get everybody's memories and then I'll give them to Amy along with a sketchbook I've been working on. It started when I was thinking that there was so much about my own mother that I wanted to know but the people who knew those things had either passed away themselves or were old friends who had scattered across the country."

"I think it's a great idea, Jo." I know he's telling the truth by his sad smile. Perhaps he's thinking of some Jen stories of his own. "You know she'll have to be a teenager when she gets my memories because some of them aren't exactly child friendly."

"I know. I'm thinking fourteenish is a good age." 

"What's that folder?" I know that he's referring to the one called Life Without Jen'.

"It's a working title," I explain. "For my novel."

"You're writing a novel." I can actually sense the pride in his voice and I'm glad that he's proud of me. "What's it about exactly?"

"Well it's sort of complicated," I begin. "It starts out as four friends, two boys and two girls who are sort of on the fringes of Junior High society, start their summer before high school. One of the boys thinks that his mother is having an affair so they decide to find out who she's having an affair with. They sort of make it their mission for the summer. Meanwhile the other boy is being abused at home and one of the girls finds out that her mother has been hiding the fact that she is dying. And the other girl, the Jen character I guess, is completely ignored at home. Anyway on the steps of the high school on their first day they make a pact to meet back there ten years later. As school starts the Jen character drifts into a bad crowd and ends up dying in an alcohol related accident. The other three then drift apart after going through some emotional stuff blaming each other for her death. Ten years later they all come back to the same spot and the reader can tell how badly the character's lives have turned out because of that one event. Then two of the characters reveal that they always had a crush on the other. The challenge is will they be able to overcome Jen's death and be together or will all of the pain and the event's of the past make them to afraid to commit to one another."

"How does it end?" Dawson looks genuinely interested. 

"You'll have to read it, I guess."

"Email it to me." I didn't expect him to actually want to read it. Now I'm nervous. This is the only full length novel I've ever written. What if he hates it? 

"I don't know. It's done but not really revised or anything. Maybe after it's polished up."

"Quit stalling Joey. Do you think I've never seen an unpolished piece of writing before?"

"Fine I'll mail it to you. Let's go eat now."

"No," he folds his arms across his chest as he says this. He has the look of a determined child who has just decided to only eat things that are red. Alex did that once.

"No?" I repeat it as more of a question.

"Mail it to me now."

"You have no patience," I tease as I download the story to an attachment to mail him. "You know that it will probably take you forever to download. It's super long."

"War And Peace long?" he asks.

I shake my head. "More like Gone With The Wind long."

"Never read it," he answers. "But speaking of books that make great movies yours sounds pretty cinematic."

"Dawson," I groan. "You have a one track mind. You haven't even read it yet."

"I don't have to." When he smiles at me I can't help but smile back. "That little summary you gave of the story sounds just like a pitch meeting. If I had heard that pitch I would have made your movie."

There's no use arguing with him though I would never have my book made into a movie. "Fine. If this unedited, unpublished novel is ever turned into a movie you can direct it, alright?"

I like the triumphant smile that he gives. "That's all I ask for."

"Speaking of unmade movies," I turn the tables on him. "What's the word with the Speilberg project?"

"You know how slow projects can move in this town. I've decided to make a movie based on one of Mr. Brooks' unpublished plays. Cheap, since I own the rights. It's going to have great Hepburn-Tracey dialogue with a late forties feel to it but the setting and characters will be modern day. The masses wont like it but it will be a movie for people who like movies."

"That sounds sweet." I notice that the message has finally been sent. "There," I gesture to the screen. "Can we finally go now?"

"Sure," Dawson replies. "What are you in the mood for?"

To be continued.


	8. Chapter Eight

Disclaimer: I am in no way connected to Dawson's Creek and no copyright infringement is intended.

Notes: This is a D/J fic set after the final episode with the alternating POV's of Joey, Pacey, and Dawson 

Rating: R for language and some sexual situations.

****

Body And Soul

Chapter Eight

Joey

I'm actually not supposed to be here right now. I was supposed to go back to my hotel on Tuesday. But as Dawson said, my stuff is scattered everywhere anyways, I probably wouldn't be able to find what I needed to pack. Plus it would be useless to pack up and go to a hotel when we are both leaving in two days. So of course I agreed to stay. The main reason wasn't about packing and convenience. I'm just having so much fun with him. 

Lunch on the balcony at The Ivy, shopping, parties; we did just about everything that you could do in Los Angeles balanced by a good amount of sitting on our asses. My favorite part about my time here has been the walks. I can hardly remember a time when we would walk with no destination in mind. Maybe it's because I feel so far removed from my life on the East Coast or maybe it's just because we're just Dawson and Joey but I haven't felt so free in a long time. 

Any other people would be out lounging by the pool this evening but Dawson and I aren't like other people. We're in his media' room. He's reading my novel and I'm reading my beat up copy of Sentimental Education by Flaubert. The reason that I'm reading something that I've read before is that I'm nervous about Dawson reading my novel right in front of me. If I didn't have something to concentrate on I would be constantly reading his face for clues about what he thinks of it. 

"It's me," I say as we both hear the ring of a cell phone. "Hello,"

"Joey," I hear through muffled tears. It's Harley. I guess you could say that I'm sort of her mentor, not that I should be mentoring anyone. I think I might need a mentor. 

"What's wrong, hon?" It's hard to believe that she is actually in college. She's a woman now.

"I was fine until I saw him." She's starting to cry again so I give her the chance to calm down. "I mean I thought I was alright with everything until I saw him at a party last night. George was with another girl."

"It can be hard," I agree with her. "To see the person that you still love when it's obvious that they have found someone else." This I actually can say with some conviction. Can we say Eve? Or when Dawson was with Jen after his dad died. "What you have to realize is that you can't control the actions of anyone else. You just have to take all the time you need to heal and try not to let the actions of someone else determine your happiness. Unfortunately this usually means moving on." I know this is easier said than done but I get to stay things like that because I'm her mentor.

It's actually kind of funny how my protégé, for lack of a better word, truly takes after me. The George that she is referring to is a friend of her first boyfriend Patrick. George also immortalized the part of Dawson in that movie we made the summer after sophomore year in college.

"That's not the worst part," Harley continues. "I was upset so I called Patrick,"

"You didn't," I groan. I, more than anyone, know where this is going. 

"I did," she sniffles. "I slept with him again." Spoken like my true protégé. 

"That's not going to help anything and it's not fair to Patrick."

"I know. He thought we were back together this morning and when I said we weren't we got in this big fight. He said that I used him as a diversion from George and he's sick of it. He told me to call him when I grow up."

"He's right." I try to say it as gently as possible. 

"I know," she concedes. "I didn't have any intention of sleeping with him when I called him and invited him over. We were just hanging out and I couldn't help but remember how good things were between us. It just kinda happened." This is a tale I know too well. "Listen, can I call you back later. I'm on my way to class."

"Sure." I stretch out. "That's what you should be doing, studying. Focus on yourself for a bit."

"I know," Harley grumbles. "Talk to ya later."

"Yeah, bye."

It's funny to think that's what I'm going to be to Amy. A sort of role model or confidante (I hope). Jen asked me help her out with what she called the girly shit'. You know getting her the right training bra, the whole period thing, boys, sex. She jokingly asked me to fill Jack, Dawson, and Pacey in on the facts of life as well when I give Amy the sex talk. I'm glad that Jen trusted me to do these things for Amy. She could have asked Andie to, after all she is sort of Amy's aunt now, but she asked me. As honored as I am there's a part of me that's scared. Scared because I know that when all this stuff happens there is going to be a part of Amy that wishes that her mother was there and not me. I now this is true because this is how it was with me and Bessie. As grateful as I was for what she was doing there was a part of me that wanted that person across from me to be my mother.

I pick up my book now to hide my face as I shut my eyes tight, hoping a tear wont escape. I'm having one of those it's not supposed to be like this' moments. If someone had told me at fifteen that Jen and I would be friends and she would die young and leave Jack, who turned out to be her gay best friend, with her daughter and I would be dating Pacey, while Dawson made a television show in Los Angles the only part I would have believed the part about Dawson living in Los Angles. I would have said Jen's a slut, Pacey's and asshole, I'm dating Jack, and Dawsonwell someday I'll marry that boy and we'll live in a big house with a white picket fence and have kids, he'll be a famous director — the whole deal. 

To divert my mind I let my eyes roam around Dawson's walls. I don't even know some of the people in the pictures. It's almost strange to think that Dawson has this whole other life that I know only through what details he chooses to tell me. I guess it is the same with me though. We don't travel in the same circle anymore and we're more than a boat ride away from each other. When I see all these people who are important to Dawson I find it hard to remember that we were once just three. A film geek, a bookish nerd, and Pacey, well, he was a dweeb. Then Jen came. She definitely upped our cool factor substantially. Then there was Jack and Andie, then Andie left and Audrey came. Then we sort of dissolved into our own lives.

There are posters on the wall too. Promos for The Creek, but I've never seen them anywhere before. Each member of the cast has their own poster with a little tagline underneath it. John's says the jock', Lexi's says the brain', Kim's says, the wild child', Petey's says the clown', Colby's says the dreamer', and mine, or Sammy's says the best friend'. My only guess is they are from when the show started and are an attempt to get the public to know the characters. I'm glad they didn't use them. They have a sort of cheesy feel to them, like a Breakfast Club rip off. You know that last part where they talk about everyone being a princess, a jock, and a criminal and such. Plus the characters on The Creek are as multidimensional as the people Dawson based them on. We are all more than a generalization, a tagline. Even if it did take each other for us to realize it. 

****

Dawson

As a read her novel I can't help but steal a glance at Joey. Her face is stuck in some French book that I've never even heard of. I'm glad that she's here, that she decided to stay with me instead of going back to the hotel. This whole week has been great. The only complaint that I have is it's been too short. It's already Wednesday. We have that party at Audrey's tonight and tomorrow we fly back to Capeside. 

I hope when we go home the spell won't be broken. I haven't seen Joey this happy since that day we worked on my movie together. We've gone to lunch, been to parties, sat on our asses and watched movies, and taken these amazing walks. I had forgotten how we would do that, just walk without really having a place to go. Before this trip I think the last time we did that was when we were both living in Boston. 

"It's me," Joey says when we both instinctively reach for our cell phones at the first ring. It sounds like she's talking to a girlfriend. It's weird to think that Joey has other friends that I haven't met that I don't even know exist. I can't even imagine her being friends with girls who aren't Audrey, Andie, or Jen. Of course this goes both ways, I have a whole other life that Joey knows nothing about. She doesn't know the guys that I go for drinks with or any of the women that I sleep with and attempt to date. Joey doesn't know that Rebecca called and left a message on my machine saying that she was back in town and wanted to get together. 

I know it's ridiculous but I erased the message and never called her. I almost feel like it would be disloyal to Joey or something while she's here. I know that right now she has no romantic feelings towards me, but this time that we have shared has convinced me that we belong together. It just seems like if I drag Rebecca into this I'll complicate an already complicated situation. I know that Joey is with Pacey and she wont just jump up and leave him tomorrow, but she will leave him someday. For some reason I believe it will be sooner rather than later. Why? Because I've noticed the way that Pacey has called her at least four times a day, and I've noticed how when we go out to do things she always turns her phone off. Because we sleep in the same bed every night and she makes me breakfast every morning, making sure I have all of my papers for work. The way we hold hands, hug, and kiss lead me to believe that what she has with Pacey will soon be over. It's in the way we got into a tousling match last night over the remote and there was that awkward moment before we called a truce.

Joey must be dispelling some sort of romantic advice because she is telling the other party on the phone that it can be hard to watch the person that you still love be with someone else. I don't think she has spoken truer words. Can we say Joey and Jack, Joey and Pacey, Joey and Charlie, and now Joey and Pacey again? But it's what she says next that really grabs my attention. That we can't control the actions of anyone else. That it's alright to take all the time you need to heal and not let the actions of someone else determine your own happiness, that usually means moving on. Maybe I should call Rebecca. It's not like I've given up on Joey, I don't think I ever will. But Jen was right I should live and be happy but at the same time stay open to the possibility that someday my soul mate will come to me. The problem is having Joey here makes me realize what truly makes me happy.

She doesn't say who it was on the phone when she hangs up; she just goes back to reading her book. As for myself, I go back to her novel. It really is good. Of course this is the first thing I've read in years that wasn't a script. Movies have always been my thing while books are Joey territory. 

"This really would make a great movie," I can't help but break the silence after a few minutes.

"Dawson," she groans. "Please don't start with that. I don't think I have to tell you how hard it would be to make into a movie. There are constant shifts in time. The audience would be thoroughly confused."

"I could find a way around it." Actually I have been thinking about a way around it since I first started reading and I haven't found one yet.

Her face softens. "I'm sure you could." I can't even begin to put into words how amazing it is that this woman believes in me. "But you won't get the chance because it will never be a movie." She sticks her tongue out when she's done and goes back to her book. God, I love that girl. 

"You could be a screenwriter Jo." I'm half teasing her, half being serious.

"I could be a lot of things Dawson Leery." I know that she's flirting now because of her smile. It's her naughty smile. I love that smile.

"You are a lot of things." Flirting with your best friend is a dangerous game. "We should get ready if we don't want to be late." I hate to even broach this subject because now that the time has come I'm deathly nervous of her seeing this episode. Hers is the only opinion that counts. 

"After all it is your show." She smiles and puts her book down. As she stretches I can't help but think the gesture is almost feline.

****

Joey

I shake my head as Dawson's friend David, the same one from the premier, offers me a hit off of his joint. I might have been tempted but somehow it doesn't feel right to do drugs with Dawson. I'm not sure why, maybe because I still am a bookish nerd at heart disguised in a Fred Siegal wardrobe. Its not like I've never done it before. I've dated enough beatniks to have smoked a little pot in my days. They were the type of guys who drank black coffee and handed in fifty page papers about On The Road' that they typed on their type writer because they reject the phoniness of the electronically based society we live in today. And they were always socialists, communists, anarchists, or some other type of ist. I used to think guys like that were deep. Looking back they were, for the most part, a group of assholes. 

Another drink on the other hand, that I can totally go for. The show's just started and already I'm nervous as hell. It's Sammy's birthday and she and Colby have gone to confront her father who abandoned her family when she was five. When they get to his house no one is home and they end up missing their bus. Instead of coming back tomorrow they call Colby's mom who gives her credit card number to the guy at the front desk of some fleabag motel. Its Colby's line Our first time in a foreign bed' that got me. It brought me back to that time when Dawson came with me to visit my father in prison. A few days after that Dawson and I got together for the first time and my life changed forever.

When the show first started I asked Dawson why he didn't make my father a criminal, he said that the network execs didn't think it sounded believable. You know your life is fucked up when it's too insane for a teen drama. He's still in prison, my dad. He got sent back for a parole violation. Some people go through this world and never get it right. I hope I'm not one of them.

The scenes with John and Kim are actually making me cry. Dawson must have a memory like an elephant because sometimes I don't even remember that Jen said something or thought a certain way until I see Kim saying or thinking it. The girl that plays Kim doesn't do Jen justice, though I must admit she does have that sad look that Jen used to have down perfectly. Almost like someone ran over her dog. 

"Hey Bunny," Audrey comes up to me and Dawson with a round of hugs. "Cutie," she acknowledges him. 

"Hey Audrey," we say simultaneously.

"I've hardly spent any time with you guys this week." She pouts a little when she says it. It's true we only hung out once and met by coincidence at a party the other night. The free time that Dawson and I have had we have spent with each other. It's funny that I always used to feel trapped in the same place with him, like I was forever fifteen and watching movies in his room. I don't feel that way anymore, maybe it is because I've actually let myself feel like an adult around him or maybe it's because we are a world away from everything and everyone I know. When I'm with Dawson now I feel like myself, but better. Like maybe I could be a novelist, or a screenwriter, or whatever else that would make me happy. When I'm with him the world seems full of possibilities not constraints. 

****

Dawson

As I come back with another round of drinks for Joey and me I see Audrey approach. When she's in town I usually see her once a week or so. We share some mutual friends. 

"Hey Bunny," Audrey gives Joey a hug. "Cutie," she says as she hugs me and pinches my ass. If it were any other woman I would take it as a come on but it's Audrey so I just laugh and hope that she never finds out that I had a mild crush on her during her senior year of college. It was nothing major, I think it was just to have a crush on someone who wasn't Joey. We had, or I should say Joey had, decided against us getting back together after we had way to much to drink during my families' Christmas party and ended up almost sleeping together. The only thing more embarrassing than my mom walking in on me and Joey in tenth grade was my mom walking in on me and Joey half naked. Of course we were both drunk so the brunt of the embarrassment came later on. My mom kept giving us these sly looks and God help me even winked at us during Christmas dinner. Mortifying, truly mortifying. 

"Hey, Audrey." Joey and I say it at the same time and for some reason this strikes me as funny. 

"What have you two been up to?" she asks as she unscrews her bottle of beer. I must admit it's always a little awkward to see Audrey drink. I thought that alcoholics were supposed to stay sober forever. Audrey never seems to drink too much, just a few. It's really none of my business anyway. 

"Dawson's been showing me around town." Joey smiles and puts her arm around me as she says it. 

"Yes I have," I put my arm around her. "I trying to keep it a secret that LA is really a hellhole." We all laugh as I say it. I think we're all a little buzzed right now. 

"I realized that when my plane actually went through a cloud of pollution when I was landing." It's true; Los Angeles is a hellhole. Of course it's my hellhole now. Not everyplace in the world can have clear skies, blue salty oceans, and a crystal creek. 

"What about you, Audrey? Are you done with the tour?"

"Yes thank God." She really does sound relieved. "I actually just got done with my own record now that you mention it." I didn't mention anything about a record but I can tell what is coming next by the smile that she gives me.

"When will it be out?" Joey asks.

"Around Christmas. One of the benefits of having a significant other with ties in the industry. But I've got copies that I can give to you before you go. Just remind me." 

"Free CD's. I knew there was a reason that were friends." The overly friendly way that Joey says that leads me to believe that it's not just me, she's a little buzzed. 

"There's this guy I know," Audrey says it with a smile indicating I must be the said guy. "And he has this little television show." I'm definitely the guy in question. "And whenever a song is played on his show the sales go up like, a billion percent."

"You don't have to ask me twice," I smile as I say it. We are always looking for good music for the show. 

"I didn't have to ask you once," she says triumphantly.

"Its back on." Audrey stops our conversation as The Creek comes back on. Sammy and Colby are in bed now. I'm trying to subtly watch Joey for clues on how she feels about what's happening on screen. Her face is blank, but she's totally engrossed. The scene has shifted now and it's Lexi and Petey. I hope that the actors that play them can make up soon. It's obvious that it's affecting their work. Where there used to be fireworks and passion there is now a sort of a sad bitterness. If they don't make up soon I'm sure they'll both move on to someone else. The cast's off screen hobby seems to finding new ways to pair off with each other. Not that I condone interoffice romances but it's hard to stop nineteen year old kids with money and raging hormones.

****

Joey

It's easier to watch now that Lexi and Petey are alternating between saying they hate each other and making out. I can't imagine those two having sex, the chemistry factor is zero. I'm probably going to need another drink to calm my nerves. I never thought I would be this nervous to see if Dawson and I, or Sammy and Colby have sex. 

"What do you do again?" David asks me as the commercial break starts.

"She's a screenwriter," Dawson says as he come up behind me and hands me another drink. 

"That's not true," I laugh. 

"Don't be modest, Joey." Dawson says it playfully; he's doing this just to torture me. Either that or he's drunk. Or both. "You should read what she just wrote. It's fantastic."

"Dawson, cut it out." I plead with him, laughing.

"I'd like to take a look at it sometime. Fresh talent is hard to come by."

"Sure." I'm not sure what else to say. I don't want to be mean and say no.

"Smile!" someone comes to take our picture. Partly to get him back, partly because I'm happy to be here with him, and probably partly because I'm drunk I make a move to kiss his cheek. Just as I turn my head my lips collide with Dawson's. Instinctively I close my eyes and lose myself in the sensation of simply my lips on his. I can feel the prickle of electricity they exchange. It must have only been about ten seconds but it felt like ten minutes.

"Sorry," Dawson says as he pulls away. "I was gonnabut I didn't know that you had the same idea."

"Sorry," I apologize. I feel flushed. It could be the alcohol, or the kiss, or both. But I don't feel bad. I should feel bad. But it was an accident. Right?

"UmYeah," Dawson says with a small smile.

"Yeah," I smile back softly.

****

Pacey

It's midnight now but the party is still in full swing. The Icehouse hasn't been this packed since Eastwood Tours dropped off a busload of blue-hairs coming from the Falmouth Arts and Crafts Festival. That was in September. Jack and Doug are the only people who have left. At about ten they made their good-byes with a sleeping Amy in their arms. That girl could sleep through a nuclear holocaust, just like her mother.

Poor Jack. He openly cried during some of the scenes tonight. I have to hand it to Dawson; he does seem to remember everything. There are things that I realize I've forgotten about Jen until I see them through Kim, not that the chick that plays Jen could even come close to her. She just doesn't have that Zen like crazy-cool quality that was just Jen. She does however have that one look down. Whenever Jen was upset her face would betray her; it looked like someone just ran over her dog or something.

Then there were Lexi and Petey. God what a nightmare. I have never in my life seen such uncomfortable kissing scenes in all my life. They each looked like they wanted to be anywhere but where they were. When I first saw the promos I had this sinking feeling that they would end in a B&B with Petey ready to fulfil Lexi's fantasy date. Thank God that didn't happen. They ended up stranded below deck in his father's boat. It was a little contrived but I just wasn't in the mood to watch my life unfold on the screen tonight.

And last but not least of the Creeker couples we had Sammy and Colby. I can't even find the words to explain how weird it was to watch those two have what can only be described as hot birthday sex in some cheap motel. Actually it was disgusting. I could feel it down to the pit of my stomach. It's not like I don't remember that Dawson and Joey had sex on her birthday. Who could forget the display that followed? But Christ! 

And now she's there at one of Audrey's "little" parties watching it. This is one time that I wish we were together watching the show. I wonder how it makes her feel to see that on television sans the fallout. Is she fine with having such a personal part of her life up there for everyone to see? I know I'm not alright with it.

I think I hear the phone ringing in the back office. Joey must have seen it and probably isn't happy. She probably just wants someone to vent to.

"Icehouse."

"Thank God it wasn't us!"

"Andie! Is that you?"

"Yeah," she sounds a little breathless. "I was going to call your house but I didn't want to wake anyone up so I thought that I would take the chance that the party was still going on and call the restaurant." My disappointment that Joey didn't call is replaced my eagerness to talk to Andie. We really don't talk enough. She only lives in Boston. I should have gone to see her when I dropped Joey off but it didn't even occur to me. 

"I'm glad you called and I second your thank God it wasn't us."

"Those actors suck when they're together. They seem to do alright otherwise but when they get together it's like, blah." I can't help but laugh when Andie says blah'. That girl knows exactly what to say or do to lift my spirits, she always has.

"I don't think I have ever seen such awkward lip locking in all my life."

"How did you feel about the other couple?" Andie asks the question gently.

"Well if I said I felt good about it I would be lying." 

"Yeah, based on true events, or so I heard."

"That's right you weren't at the party."

"I was making up for a year of bumming around Italy."

"Yeah, lucky you."

"It's only based on real events," she says gently. "It's not exactly how it happened. Plus she's with you right now."

"Actually, she's on business in Los Angeles this week so technically she's with Dawson right now."

"But she's literally coming back home to you." Andie does have a point. When this trip is done it will be me that she comes back to. This is where her life is. 

"You're right," I say brightly. "It doesn't matter what happens on some stupid television show. Life is what counts. And in the game of life Joey and I are together."

"That's better." I can imagine her smiling over the phone. "Is Jack still around?"

"No he and Doug left with Amy around ten."

"How's he holding up? Some of that stuff was pretty sad."

"Yeah, John and Kim wondering if they would ever find a romantic partner who they would love as much as each other. That was pretty rough to watch. Jack cried a bit, hell I cried a bit."

"I did too," Andie admits. "It's hard sometimes to see pieces of my life and the lives of the people that are important to me like that."

"I know what you mean," I agree.

"And other times," Andie continues. "It can be comforting. I feel closer to all of you. And I remember things that I would have otherwise long forgotten."

"My ill fated birthday party." I make a reference to last week's episode.

"Oh my God!" Andie screeches. "What was I wearing? Like I would prance around in a bikini and cutoffs, and in November." 

"Criminal," I smile as I settle in for a long talk with an old friend

To Be Continued


	9. Chapter Nine

Disclaimer: I am in no way connected to Dawson's Creek and no copyright infringement is intended.

Notes: This is a D/J fic set after the final episode with the alternating POV's of Joey, Pacey, and Dawson 

Rating: R for language and some sexual situations.

****

Body And Soul

Chapter 9

****

Joey

Its back now. All the doubt and fears I have about myself. He's snoring peacefully, his head buried in the pillow, one arm draped casually across my waist. That question that is always just below the surface is nagging me. Did I make the right choice? Did I just fall back on Pacey because I was afraid? Because I'm still afraid of so many things. I'm afraid that I'll never truly grow up, I'm afraid that the life that I want and the sense of peace I desire will forever be just out of my reach, and I'm afraid that I'm too fucked up to ever be in a functioning relationship.

And we kissed last night. There's no way of diverting my thoughts from it. Believe me, I've tried. I've thought about work, I've tried thinking about calculus, and I've even tried to remember the names of everyone that lived on my dormitory floor the semester I studied in Paris. But my thoughts always come back to Dawson, which leads me back to the kiss. And how could my thoughts not come back to Dawson? He's been an important factor in my life in one way or another since I was a child. I've even tried thinking of Pacey, but that only leads my mind back into the forbidden realm of Dawson Leery.

If anyone saw us they would think we were lovers, perhaps even husband wife. My head is resting on his chest and his arm is draped around my waist as we each occupy our designated side of the bed. We were just like this when I woke up. And we're in our underwear, a fact that startled the hell out of me when I first woke up. Then I remembered us stumbling drunk through his front door, supporting each other haphazardly as we made our way into his bedroom. We just peeled off our clothes, fell into bed, and almost immediately fell asleep. 

But appearances can be deceiving, especially when it involves me and Dawson. But I think that this is what it would be like if I had chosen Dawson. I would be as I am right now, in his arms. So what's so different? As far as I can tell the only thing that separates Dawson and I from other couples is sex. Of course we have done that too. Sophomore year in college and then almost my senior year before Gale walked in on us. Of course we were too trashed that night to be embarrassed, it really wasn't mortifying until the next day when she kept winking at us during Christmas dinner. Dawson and I almost got back together then but I freaked, I was afraid that I was just afraid of moving on. College was almost over and the fear that I was clinging to Dawson (my metaphor for the past) was almost crushing. The moment I told Dawson I thought we should just stay friends I regretted it, but it was to late.

Through the years there have been a few more incidents like that with Dawson and Pacey both. Yeah, I can admit it now, I jerked them around. There was always that promise that they could have me in the end. No wonder Jen made my love life her dying wish, I think she may have just wanted a little peace from beyond the grave. But in reality, how selfish was I? I pretty much just said all right boys I'm ready to choose, and just assumed that they both were just waiting for any scrap I might toss their way.

Dawson's moved on, I'm sure of it. I saw the looks coming from that woman Rebecca last night. The way that she looked at Dawson possessively made every jealous nerve that I have in my body burn. I know that he slept with her. He didn't say anything, but I could tell. I could see it in his eyes. Mostly he ignored her. I don't know if it was just his oblivious nature at work or if he just felt weird being with her and I at the same time. Either way he spent most of his time holed up in the corner talking to me. We were both drunk and more touchy feely than we usually are with each other. True to my jealous ways I made sure that Rebecca saw us making such a fuss over each other. Yeah, I'm a bitch. I'm not exactly sure what my deal is, I don't think I want him but I don't want anyone else to have him either. I know how unfair that is to Dawson. That I can be with Pacey and expect him to be fine with it, yet I don't even want him to talk to some woman I don't even know because I suspect they might have slept together. If that's the case I really am a bitch.

All of this analyzing is making the low, dull pain in my head worse. But I have to admit that I have come a long way in therapy already. Before I started I wouldn't have even tried to work through my feelings of jealousy or question if or why I was running. And even if I did have feelings for Dawson still, what would it matter? He's moved on and it would kill Pacey. Dawson will be fine without me as a girlfriend but if I leave Pacey I don't think he would be able to take it. 

But last night we kissed. It was a pure accident but I couldn't help but revel in it a bit. The sparks are still there, I could feel them, I know Dawson did too. I wasn't the only one who wallowed in the kiss. This is all too much for so early in the morning. Maybe I'll just bask in this feeling of being in his arms for just a bit longer. 

****

Dawson

Its back now. All the love I feel for her has come rushing back to me in one tremendous jolt of a kiss. Its not like I didn't still love her before, but it is almost like I forgot the full force behind those feelings. It has been so long since we kissed, I mean really kissed, that I had almost forgotten how truly hypnotic our kisses can be. Not like the kiss last night was passionate or hot or loving, at least not to the casual observer. The kiss was a goof, a joke. But I could feel the sparks of electricity pass from her lips to mine and back again, and I know she did too. How did I know? It was in her eyes. They told the story for me as plain as I was watching it unfold on screen.

And now here we are. My arm is around her waist and she is leaning into my chest, me in my old boxers and her in a black matching panties set. Somehow, during the night, our bodies must have found each other because we definitely did not fall asleep like this. We came stumbling home drunk, peeled our clothes off, and flopped into bed. Yet part of me can't help but think that this is how we would be if she had chosen me. She would be here, in my arms. This is where we belong. So what's the difference now? If we completely belonged to each other I would be softly kissing her shoulder now, moving to her neck. Joey would turn around and chastise me, saying we have to be to the airport soon, but would kiss me back anyway. Maybe we would miss our flight. 

But we don't completely belong to each other. As much as I try to keep the thoughts at bay, she gives her body to Pacey. He is the one that kisses her, makes love to her. I'm her soul mate; I try to remind myself. I get the best part of her. Her body may be beautiful but it's her mind, her spirit, her soul, that I really love. And those I have, I always have, and I think I always will. It's not a very consoling thought when I can feel her warm body pressed against mine. My body wants to scream out at the sheer injustice of it all.

She is awake. I'm sure of it. I should tell her it's time to get ready, that we have to be at the airport soon. Shortly we'll be back in the real world where the air is fresh, the breasts are real, and Joey is with another man. But I'm not going to say a word. I want to stay like this forever, keeping the world at bay. I'm not sure why she hasn't moved yet, why she's letting me keep her in this embrace, but I won't complain. Whatever scrap of affection she throws at me, I'll take it. I'm sort of pathetic that way. But last night we kissed. It's all a matter of biding my time. But for now I'll just bask in the feeling of her in my arms for just a bit longer.

****

Joey

"Dawson," I can't help but grumble as his ever ringing cell phone pierces my brain, sending out waves of pain. My stomach is weak, my body is tired, and my head is pounding. "Could you turn off that damn phone."

"Same to you," he manages to grumble back in reference to my phone, which is now ringing. Wearily, I check to see who it's from. Harley. Feeling a little guilty I turn it off without answering. I just can't deal with a college love triangle right now. 

I feel bad about snapping at Dawson as I see him turn his phone off. I know he feels as bad as I do this morning. We both had way too much to drink last night and our payback is being forced to wait at gate B-10, in one of the worst airports that I have ever been in. "Why don't we both just keep our phones off until we get to Capeside?" I try to be a little more gentle when I say it. It's not his fault that I was so nervous last night that I felt the need to get trashed. 

Watching his show to see who had sex was just too weird. Whenever I see Sammy and Colby I can't help but think of them as Dawson and me. Can I say how strange it was to see Sammy and Colby have sex after he gives her a snowglobe for her birthday? It was like watching myself. I must say that Sammy and Colby handled the aftermath a little bit better than Dawson and I did. Then again, there wasn't some other woman that Colby was already sleeping with to hurt and humiliate Sammy the morning after. OkayI just don't feel well enough to get into that right now. 

"So," Dawson says as he leans back into his seat. "What did you think about the show last night?" I can see the expectation in his face. We never really talked about it last night, we were both too drunk. Where do I even begin?

"It wasnice." I finally say

"Nice," Dawson repeats.

"Yeah," I try to explain. I don't want him to get the wrong idea and think that I hated it or something. "I liked it. I liked the way it turned out."

I can actually hear Dawson give a sigh of relief. "I was afraid that you would hate it."

"Well it did hit pretty close to home," I admit. "And that was almost strange to see. But in a way it mirrored real life more than real life did."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, I guess that when teenagers love each other, or even when they don't love each other for that matter they're gonna have sex. Usually it doesn't take five years."

"True," Dawson sighs. "The network was totally against it. In their minds once a couple does the deed they're running on borrowed time."

"Hmm," I'm not sure what I should say about that. "Are they running on borrowed time?" I finally ask. 

"I don't know? I'm writing that right now. I just don't know where I should go with them." I can tell that he's confiding in me now. "I mean part of me wants them to stay together forever sparring, analyzing, just being happy with each other"

"But that's not real life," I can't help but say almost regretfully. "Especially if you're a teenager."

"And you can't have the two leads on a teen drama happy and in love all the time. Where do you go from there?" he asks. 

"True," I agree.

"So," he takes a breath. "It's not really a matter of if, but when."

****

Dawson

I'm glad that she liked the show. I'm more than glad, ecstatic maybe. To say I was nervous about her seeing it would be the understatement of the year. There was so much of that episode that I took from real life; visiting her father, the snowglobe, and her birthday. I was afraid that she would be mad at me, yell at me for using her personal life for financial gain. But maybe because I balanced the truth with a healthy dose of fantasy she didn't mind. I put so much work into that episode, I'm glad that she liked it. 

"Don't look now," she whispers with a smile. "But that woman over there is checking you out." I wait a moment and then look over to where she meant. Hmm an attractive blonde reading a magazine, she must be nearly forty. That's probably a little old for me. Joey's right she is looking at me a little strangely.

"Maybe she recognizes you," Joey continues.

"People don't recognize directors unless their Speilberg or something."

"You have a point there." Joey leans in and whispers in my ear. "Maybe she just thinks you're hot." Actually I don't think that's it. She's looking at Joey now.

"Maybe she thinks you're hot," I tease. 

"She probably thinks I'm your woman or something." She laughs. I didn't know the notion was so preposterous.

No, it's not that. Now she's staring at us. Maybe she does recognize me. "Or maybe she likes us both." Joey laughs even harder. My mind entertains that image for a moment but not for long. I just don't like the way she's looking at us.

"Didn't you hear?" 

"Huh?' I answer. Obviously I didn't. I must have entertained the fantasy of Joey and that woman longer than I thought.

"It's time for us to board now."

To Be Continued


	10. Chapter Ten

Disclaimer: I am in no way connected to Dawson's Creek and no copyright infringement is intended.

Notes: This is a D/J fic set after the final episode with the alternating POV's of Joey, Pacey, and Dawson 

Rating: R for language and some sexual situations.

****

Body And Soul

Chapter Ten

Pacey

Life is good. I'm driving down a familiar stretch of road in a brand new viper for a wonderful meal with the people I love the most in this world. And Joey will be back today. The whole week I've felt off without her, but soon that will change. I've tried to curb my jealous boyfriend urges all week but I still couldn't help calling her three or four times a day. I know it was overkill and I probably wouldn't have done that if it had been anyone else that she was staying with. But I don't really want to think about Dawson right now.

I'll just think about my sweet ride. Well it's not mine really. There is definitely something wrong with the world when a seventeen year old busboy gets a brand new viper for his birthday when his boss drives an old truck. But I think a viper for a few days is more than a fair trade for use of my truck at hunting camp for the week and a month of Friday nights off. I'm as excited as a kid on Christmas morning. I can't wait to take Joey riding around in this thing. Maybe I'll take her to that place we used to park at in high school. 

I've been so lost in my thoughts of car sex that I haven't even realized that I'm pulling into the Leery's driveway. There's a car pulling up behind me. Joey!

"You better not have a wife and three kids stashed away in some dive one bedroom apartment," I hear a voice say. It's Andie making a joke about that economics project we worked on together eons ago. I had smooshed our pretend family into a one bedroom apartment so that we could afford a viper. Actually we still hadn't been able to afford the car. 

"Well ya do what ya gotta do," I say as I rush up to embrace her. Her hair smells nice, like vanilla. It smelled like strawberries when we went out, but that was years ago.

"New car?" she beams.

"Hardly," I laugh at the thought. "I lent the truck out and this is part of the trade."

"Pretty nice trade if you ask me," she eyes the car. 

"And you're still driving Saabs," I say as eye her car. "Is that a convertible?"

"Yeah," she gushes. "I had to put the top up because it's already colder than hell outside."

"Yeah, but that's the Cape. Don't worry tomorrow we'll probably be able to wear shorts."

"Or a bikini top and cutoffs," she jokes.

"Promise."

"For you Witter, anything."

"I thought that you couldn't make it." She had mentioned on the phone that it is practically impossible for a resident to get Thanksgiving off.

"Yeah," she sighs almost glumly. "My story won out."

I just nod. It is a tearjerker. High school friends meet at fifteen and stick together through the years. Then, the first one to make peace with herself and become a parent dies young, leaving her only child to her gay best friend who happens to be Andie's brother. I can't imagine anyone else topping that. 

"I'm glad you could make it," I finally say. "It wouldn't be the same without you." It won't be the same without Jen and I know were both thinking the same thing because she silently rubs my back for a moment. It does make me feel better. How one person can always say or do the right thing for another amazes me for a moment.

"Promise you'll take me for a drive up and down Main Street 

before I leave?" she asks in an attempt to lighten the mood.

"How about I take us for a ride up to Mercer's Pond and you can take us for a drive up to Sand Pointe."

"Deal," she says holding out her hand.

"Deal." I hug her instead.

****

Dawson

As we pull up I can see Andie and Pacey hugging. I'm glad that she was able to make it after all. I have a feeling that today I'm going to need as many friends as I can get. I think we all will. 

"Jo?" I ask. "Did Pacey get a new car?" I knew that the restaurant was doing well, but I didn't know things were that good for him. But maybe Doug saved it for him at a police auction or something.

"I don't think so," she says slowly. "Unless he wanted it to be a surprise."

As we get out of the car I see that Pacey notices that we're here. Or I should say that Joey's here. He practically accosts her, picking her up off the ground and swinging her around. And he kisses her. This is the first time that I've actually seen them together, as a couple, since senior year of high school. It hurt then, but the pain is a different kind now. Back then I felt as if I had lost her forever. Now it is as if the thing I love is just shy of my reach. I'm not sure which hurts worse. 

Then it all becomes real to me. Joey is handing Pacey her bags and he's throwing them in the back of his car, like it's the most natural thing in the world to do. She's his. She'll be leaving with him tonight, she'll be staying at his apartment, they'll have sex. This is all hitting home. It's a lot easier to hold out hope and not be consumed by jealousy when an entire country separates me from the situation. And now they are kissing, leaning against the hood of his shiny new car.

I can't watch this any more. I turn to Andie and she comes up to me.

"It's been a long time," she says as she hugs me.

"Too long," I say as I hug her back. The last time I saw her was at Jen's funeral, but we don't say that. She smells nice, like vanilla and sugar cookies. I resist the urge to smell her hair.

"You look great," I take a step back and truly check her out. When I write for Lexi I always try to think about what Andie would do. But when I think of Andie I always remember a high stung girl in overalls, sweet but a little hyper. Pretty but plain. That isn't the case anymore. She's really grown into herself. Andie looks like what she is; a well educated East Coast progressive democrat that drives an expensive car. Tailored and refined in gray wool pants and a pink sweater set. Very money, yet there is something more there, a warmth and genuine happiness betrays her collective exterior.

"Your not so bad yourself," she teases. I don't know about that. Though I'm not a fifteen year old kid drowning in a sweater three sizes too large I'm hardly what you would call trendy or handsome.

"New ride, huh?' I finally say after Pacey and Joey appear to be done with their hellos.

"Not quite," he says coming up and shaking my hand and then 

pulling me into a hug. I must admit that I'm a little surprised. But some of the apprehensions I have about today dissipate. It's not like Pacey is my enemy. He's my friend. I wish that we were better friends. "It's more like a trade for a couple of days."

"Come on," Andie says excitedly and I can still see a glimpse of the girl she once was. "Jack and Doug's car is already here."

****

Joey

This is good. They're hugging. I didn't want things to be tense, not today. I think that out of respect for Jen everyone is setting all the pettiness and jealousies aside for the day. 

"Andie," I turn to her. "You look nice." It is good to see her again. The last time we saw each other was at Jen's funeral. With all the time that I spend in Capeside there is really no excuse for me not taking the hour to drive to Boston to go and see her. I promise myself that I will. Now she's the oldest girlfriend that I have left, a throwback to the days when I could only seem to be friends with someone if they had a penis. 

"You too, Joey," she says.

"I still have to change," I laugh. "I'm all grimy from the flight."

"Nonsense," she says. "You look great." Actually I feel a bit foolish next to the well put together Andie in dress pants and a sweater set.

"Come on," Andie turns excitedly to Pacey and Dawson. In her 

voice I can still see that perky teenager that she used to be. "Jack and Doug's car is already here."

Suddenly we're greeted by an onslaught of people. Bessie and 

Bodie take possession of me right away with Alex nipping at their heels. Dawson is immediately enveloped by Gale and Lily. Her new husband hangs back a bit, probably unsure of the place he has among people who know each other better than they know themselves. But Dawson changes that. He pulls him into the embrace with Gale and Lily, and I love him for it. Andie picks up Amy and melts into the kind words of Jack and Doug.

"Evelyn," Pacey says as he kisses her cheek. "I have never seen you look lovelier. Is that a new dress?"

"I have your number young man," she attempts to say sternly but blushes in spite of herself. "I bet you say that to all the women."

"Only gorgeous ones in pretty dresses." He doesn't miss a beat and she's radiantly happy. I don't know if he was born with it or what but Pacey exudes this charm that has women, age nine months to ninety, flock to him like a fly to honey.

"All we're missing is Audrey," Dawson says as he tries, but fails to untangle Lily's arms from around his neck.

"Is the Anti-Pacey coming?" Pacey asks me as he takes Amy from Andie. 

"Not `til tomorrow, I think. He's in England or something right now." I ignore Pacey's raised eyebrow as I hold my arms out for my turn in the game of `pass the baby'.

"The wait shouldn't be too long," Bessie says as she gestures to a car pulling up the driveway. It's Audrey, alone and singing along with some unheard song. She flips her shades onto the top of her head and parks her car. It's now that she notices us all gathered around the window and she gives us an enthusiastic wave as she bounds up the steps.

"Well I'm here, so we can start now she says." I'm not sure if she's being serious or not. Sometimes I just don't know with her. 

She looks at me and Dawson. "Alright you two I just saw. But you," she hugs Pacey. "And you two," now she turns her attention to Doug and Jack. Audrey manages to hug every person in the room down to Gale's new husband and then snatches Amy from my arms.

"Hey baby bunny," she coos. Actually Audrey is great with kids. I never would have thought it but when Jen was sick I once walked into the wackiest game of Beauty Shop that I had ever seen. Alex was in a chair with spiked hair and shaving cream all over his face, Audrey was sitting on the bed with a magazine. She looked like she was wearing war paint and her hair was in every direction.

"We're getting ready to go have lunch in Africa," she said casually as Lilly continued to torture her hair. "Wanna come?"

"I can't," I said trying to hide the relief in my voice. "I have to get to the hospital before morning visiting hours are over." 

"I'll be there when Gale comes back and my lunch in Africa is 

over." I left thinking that someday Audrey will make a great mom.

"I'm going to get changed," I announce. 

"Go ahead and use my room," Dawson says as he takes Amy in 

his turn of `pass the baby'.

****

Pacey

Jen is everywhere today. She's in the air, the winding curves of the creek, in her friends, and most of all in the little sprite that is running around with chubby hands and dirty blond hair. You tell Amy no and I swear to God she will turn, smile at you, and do it anyway. It's mischievous, it's endearing, it's Jen. Yet she is different in so many ways. She's a tomboy through and through. I hope that she never feels like she's living in her mother's shadow. I don't want that for her. Truth be told I love her like she was my own daughter. True to my word every Saturday night has been our `date' night. We go to the zoo, the park, McDonald's, wherever. And every time I bring her home Jack tells me I shouldn't have bought her anything, but I always do. I can't help it. Jack says I'm turning her into the most spoiled eighteen month old that he's ever seen. 

The spirit of Jen is definitely here, gluing us together; helping us set aside everything that has happened in the distant and not so distant past. And I'm determined to do my part. We're all in this together. For some reason the cosmic spirits, God, or whatever force that rules the universe has decided that the people in this house belong together. Who am I to stand in the way of that?

"Hey," I hand Jack a beer and sit down to watch the Patriots face off against the Browns. It's weird to see Henry there on the sidelines. He's injured and not even suited up, but he still looks like he belongs, like he's in his element. 

He came to the funeral. I recognized him right away. The baby fat and long hair was gone as well as that untouched, innocent look. Part of me wondered if it had left when Jen died or long before. 

"Hey, Henry." I shook his hand and didn't know what else to say. I had never imagined that he would be there, that he would even know. He had never even entered my mind in years, not like I had ever really thought about him before.

"She was my first love," Henry said after a long pause. "My mom told me what was happening. When I came down it was too late, she was gone. I guess I just wanted to say goodbye, say thank you."

I wasn't sure if I should ask but I did. "For what?"

"For being my first love, for showing me what love even was. 

There's just something about your first love that never really ends." We stood a while in silence and then he walked away. I saw him get into his truck and drive away. I never knew that their relationship was that serious. It seemed so high school. But then again every relationship in high school is serious, especially your first. 

It was actually amazing the number of people that showed up for Jen's funeral. There were people from Capeside, Boston, New York and beyond. I couldn't have imagined that Jen even knew so many people. Old friends, old boyfriends, coworkers, and family. When just about every ex-boyfriend that you've had since high school shows up for your funeral, it is truly a testament to an amazing person. Drue Valentine even cried. I know I only have half the story on him, but it seems they became pretty close after Jen went to NYU and found that Drue had transferred there as well. She had always denied that they hooked up, but I'm not so sure.

Given our group's incestuous past it's a wonder that Jen and I never did manage to get together, and not for lack of trying. There was that time in high school when we had our little sex pact thing and a drunken night after we found out about Dawson and Joey almost doing the deed during that now infamous Christmas vacation. And there were about a couple dozen other times through the years that I wanted to act on my feelings for her. Looking back now, I'm glad that we never did. Now my favorite memories of Jen can be us skipping class, driving around and singing at the top of lungs to Baba O'Riley. Jen is the only woman who's ever appreciated my taste in music. 

I wonder if I should mention Henry to Jack. Some days he tells stories about Jen until his voice is raw with laughter, other days he talks about her and can't stop crying, and other times he doesn't want to mention her at all. The problem is solved when Doug and Dawson join us, followed by Audrey and Andie. Between us we should be able to make decent conversation.

"Hey," Joey says as she comes downstairs. She looks great in khakis and a black sweater. I don't think I'll be able to contain myself until tonight. We might have to take a little drive before dinner. I make room for her to half sit on my lap, half sit on the couch but she sits on the floor with the Andie and Audrey. Or I could say those uninterested in the fact that the Patriots are getting their asses kicked. 

"I thought you would wear your red shirt," Dawson says casually. I think what I don't like is the casual way he said it. Like he's on a familiar basis with her wardrobe or something.

"I was going to," Joey says. "But there's still that stain on it from Sunday night."

What was Sunday night I wonder, but try to dismiss the feelings of jealousy that I have. It will get worse than talking about shirts as the night goes on, this I'm sure of. There will be stories about Los Angeles, about being kids, about The Creek. Bessie is just bursting to hear about that movie premier down to the last detail. She even found someone who had it on tape. Now we can relive that moment again and again, just like The Creek. Oh Joy!

But I can't keep a small smile from invading my face when I 

realize that I've had every woman in the room up, down, and sideways. Hell, I even took the virginity of two of them. With Andie what she didn't have in experience she made up for in effort and eagerness. To this day some of my fondest memories are times that I spent with that girl. Then there's my Joey. When she was seventeen she didn't exactly have a lot of bedroom skills, to put it politely. But things change with time and I'm glad that is one of them. Then there's Audrey. I'll never say it out loud, but she's the best sex I ever had. She would try anything once and even came up with a few ideas of her own. To this day I owe her. She came along at a time in my life when I thought all the great loves of my life were behind me. I was nineteen and it seems laughable now, but then it was the most important thing a person could have done for me. 

"What are you girls whispering about?" I ask Audrey, Joey and 

Andie who have their heads put together in some scene that 

resembles a slumber party. 

"Shh," Audrey says as she puts her hand up in protest. "We're holding our first annual meeting of the `I Fucked Pacey Witter Club."

There is a stunned silence for a moment as we all sort of look at each other. That discomfort that was missing a few moments ago is starting to creep back. I'm unsure what to say so I take a swig of my beer. Dawson and Doug follow my lead. But suddenly Jack starts laughing. It's a deep hearty laugh that comes right from his chest. Audrey joins him and is soon followed by Doug. Before we know it we're all laughing uncontrollably. We're laughing at ourselves and we're laughing at each other and now I remember why we are all friends.

"What's so funny?" Lily asks as her and Alex come into the living room.

"Nothing Sweetie," Joey says wiping a tear from her eye as she opens her arms to Lily and Alex.

****

Joey

Things are good, actually better than good. We are all here and there's this feeling that we are all in this together. Dawson and I joke about being married in a former life, but that is how this feels. Like I've lived many lifetimes with these people. The tension is gone for a moment, most likely out of love and respect for Jen. There is just this serene sense of friendship and well being.

Andie, Audrey, and I are sprawled out on the floor trying to fit in some girl talk between questions from Alex and Lily. Silly thing like `why is the sky blue' and such. 

"Is this your bag, Audrey?" Lily asks holding up a black leather purse with cheetah print lining. The two of them have this girlie type of bond and I see a fashion future of feathers and glitter for Lily. 

"Sure is Bunny. I got it on sale."

"How much?" Lily asks, examining the outside. This strikes me as funny because I don't think that she has a firm grasp of money yet. But then again neither does Audrey.

"Eighty dollars," Audrey says proudly. Much as I suspected the number doesn't mean very much to Lily. 

"What are you teaching my sister?" Dawson asks Audrey, but a 

smile betrays his stern tone.

"Every woman needs to know the value of a sale," Audrey 

defends herself. 

Lily slings the purse across her shoulder and says to Alex. "Do you like my purse?" I try to hide my smile as she puts her hand on her hip. "It was only eighty cents." We all exchange smiles at Lily's money mistake. "On sale," she adds as an afterthought. 

"Can I look inside?" Lily asks.

"Sure," Audrey says, discreetly taking a Cosmo magazine out 

and slipping it under the couch.

Alex and Lily retreat to the corner with Audrey's magazines. 

Thankfully they seem to just be a People, an Entertainment 

Weekly, and things of that nature. I pray that they don't come back knowing where the clitoris is. 

"Joey," Lily asks. "Is my brother your boyfriend." Great it's question time again.

"No, sweetie. We're best friends, like you and Alex." For some reason Alex is giggling.

"How come you kiss?" This is going to be uncomfortable.

"Sometimes we kiss on the cheek. Grown up friends 

sometimes do that to say hello or goodbye." I have to tread 

lightly or Alex and Lily will start kissing each other. They have all of high school to do that. Plus I can feel how tense Pacey is. It's just innocent kid's talk, but I can see where it would be upsetting. 

"But you kiss like Mommy and Daddy," Alex says.

What the hell is going on? "What do you mean?" I ask him.

"Look," he says bringing a magazine over to me. 

A wave of fear jolts through my body. There it is, a picture of me and Dawson, as Alex so eloquently put it "kissing like mommy and daddy." My mind is blank, my body is numb. That's not the only picture. There is one of Dawson giving me a bite of his sandwich, one of us walking and holding hands, one of us with our arms around each other at the premiere, and that one of us kissing right in the center. There is text too. I have to read the words. It's a struggle to force my mind to form the letters together in some sort of cohesive fashion. 

The title for the page says `Current Couplings' and we share the page with two other spreads. Our caption reads,`Wonderboy director Dawson Leery has always been closed lipped about his love life, claiming that he only has time for work. The famed director of The Creek seems to be signing a different tune these days, as indicated by these photographs of him and long time friend, Joey Potter, who he has openly admitted is the inspiration for Sammy Gardner on his hit show.' But there's more. Each picture has an explanation under it. The one from lunch reads, `At the famed balcony of the Ivy Dawson and Joey were very friendly, holding hand s through lunch and here Dawson gives Joey a taste of his sandwich.' Then there is the picture of us holding hands that reads simply, `Dawson Leery and Joey Potter enjoy a quiet walk as he takes time out from his rigorous schedule of the Creek.' And then there is the premiere, `Even though in an interview given the very same night Dawson says that he and Joey are merely best friends while she uses the term soul mates. Is that art imitating life or life imitating art?' And just when it couldn't get any worse, it does. There is that picture of the kiss, taken only last night. It says, `At an intimate party to watch the November sweeps episode of The Creek, hosted by mutual friend singer/songwriter Audrey Liddel, Dawson and Joey share a lingering kiss.' Fuuuuuuck.


	11. Chapter Eleven

Disclaimer: I am in no way connected to Dawson's Creek and no copyright infringement is intended.

Notes: This is a D/J fic set after the final episode with the alternating POV's of Joey, Pacey, and Dawson 

Rating: R for language and some sexual situations.

****

Body And Soul

Chapter 11

Pacey

I can feel all of the air exit my body in a slow hiss, like a deflated basketball. This is worse than the time my dad told Doug that it didn't matter if I screwed up because at least he had Doug. This is worse than the time I accidentally killed our family dog when I accidentally started a kitchen fire. This is worse than the time my dad let it slip that I was a mistake. This is worse because it is coming from her. Joey, the one person who I count on not to hurt me. The one person that I love with a reckless abandon so much that it physically hurts sometimes is sprawled out on the pages of a magazine kissing some guy. But it's not just any guy — it's Dawson. Funny how after all these years I still consider him my best friend. God only knows why. I suppose some habits are heard to break. 

It's Audrey who's holding the magazine now. The offensive images are still there as I lean over her shoulder. Somehow I was hoping that I was seeing things.

"I, uh, didn't know" Audrey stammers as if she is responsible for the images that are being burned into my brain. She makes a move to close it but instead I take it from her. I can see the mish mash of emotions in her eyes. She's concerned, a little scared, and something else. I think that it is pity. There is pity for me in those soulful blue eyes. I still haven't found the courage to look at Joey or Dawson. In those faces my deepest fears about them, about myself, will be confirmed or denied. 

So I look at the pictures and will myself to read the words that accompany them. Pictures of them laughing, feeding each other, holding hands, with their arms wrapped around each other. All of those could technically be explained away as the actions of best friends, people who are just naturally comfortable around each other because they have known each other all their lives. But there is one photograph that doesn't lie. There can be no words of simple explanation or absolution. She's kissing him. My Jo is kissing another guy for all the world to see.

And the deflated feeling is being replaced by a slow burning anger. Anger at her for never being able to make up her fucking mind. Anger at her for jerking me around by my dick since my junior year of high school. With each thought the anger grows and the rational dissipates. But it's him that I'm the most angry at. Dawson has always just swooped in and taken what he wanted, always. No matter if it belonged to someone else or if it was all they had in the world. If Dawson wants it then by God we better bend over backwards for Johnny Hollywood to get it. I can feel my hands bunch into tight balls at my sides and my jaw clench. This is going to be one time that Dawson regrets taking what isn't his.

I feel a cool hand rest on my shoulder. I turn to tell Andie to stay out of it but no one is there. Andie is next to Audrey and I can see how worried she is by the lines in her forehead and the look in her eyes. The anger vanishes and is once again replaced with a hollow sort of hurt. I have to leave this room before it returns and I do things that I will never be able to take back. 

So I silently and alone walk to the porch. As I walk past the "adults" in the kitchen I say nothing and keep my steps slow and deliberate. There is no pitter-patter or hurried steps following me, but I didn't expect any.

****

Joey

I try to will an explanation out of my mouth but none comes. Why God, can't I speak. I can't help but give a furtive glance around the room. Dawson looks somber. His face is blank and unreadable. I wish he would say something, anything to break this silent spell that we all seem to be under. Everyone looks sympathetic but defeated. It is as if they all knew that eventually I would do something to hurt Pacey and the inevitable moment is finally here. 

And I hurt him. I can see it in his face as plain as anything. I love this man and somehow I've once again hurt the people that I love the most. Why can't I just say that it was a misunderstanding? Dawson and I are friends, nothing happened. I want to tell him how the kiss was an accident but the whole scenario just seems solame.

Now that I see that hurt face I want to grab on to him for dear life. Now that I might lose him it seems so clear. I love him and I don't want to lose him. I know that I have my doubts but when I see him like that all I want to do is hold him and never let go. But he's angry. His fists are clenched and he's zeroing in on Dawson. I can tell that he blames him. I should do something to stop him, but what? Pacey jerks his head around and then suddenly unclenches his fists and walks away silently.

The room is heavy with silence. There isn't even room to breathe. Jack lets out a sigh and Doug is staring at me. Dawson's eyes are glued to the floor while Audrey and Andie are examining the magazine as if the clues to what really happened will be revealed if they only look hard enough. Even the children are silent and looking back and forth at us with wide eyes. I have to go after him. 

"Hey." Not a great start, I know, but I don't know what else to say. "It's not what it seems." His back is to me but I can tell his body is tight.

"Then what is it?" he says after almost a minute of silence.

I walk a little closer to him and stand next to him as he stares at the creek. "I went to kiss his cheek and he went to kiss mine and we sort of collided. It wasn't anything, just a mistake." I speak fast and the words come out before I can even form them in my mind. "The rest was completely taken out of context. It all was."

"Why does this sound familiar?" Pacey's voice is low and steady. Part of me wants him to lose control, to yell at me and tell me how he's feeling, like he did at prom. I hate when he shuts down. But he sounds defeated and it kills me. It kills me because I caused it. Directly or indirectly somehow I feel like I should have known better. 

"It's not like high school," I say. "We're adults now. We don't have to let every little misunderstanding wedge between us. I love you." I feel desperate. Desperate for him to still love me back. I don't want this to end, certainly not like this.

"I don't know what went on between you two," Pacey says the words with control and dignity I know I will never possess. "But honestly, now is not the time or place to discuss it. This is a time to give thanks. A celebration, and the first time everyone has been together since Jen died. That is what this day should be about, not us and our petty rivalries and revolving door relationships." He's right and now I feel ashamed. Ashamed that once again I've made everything about me. I always do that, and even I hate it. "But I don't want to put this on the backburner," Pacey continues. "I don't think this can just go away. So promise me something?"

"What? Anything," I'm desperate to save this, desperate for him.

"Promise me we will talk about this tonight - honestly and truthfully. I don't want either of us to hold back. We have to act like the adults we are."

"Yes," I say a tear of relief escaping down my cheek. I can explain, I can make him understand.

"And something else."

"Yes?"

"Don't run to Dawson. At least not until everything between us has been resolved."

"I wouldn't run to Dawson." I can't keep the defensive edge out of my voice. Alright, maybe I would but I can barely admit that to myself much less anyone else. 

"Please, Jo." Pacey knows I would even if I don't say it. I can sense the desperate tone of his voice.

"I won't I promise."

"Just don't talk to him until you've talked to me first. We owe ourselves that much, don't we?"

I don't know how I will go the whole day without dissecting this with Dawson. I desperately want his insight, his comfort. But I know where Pacey is coming from. He can't be in a relationship with me AND Dawson. 

"Sure," I say as I walk behind him and wrap my arms around his back. I let my cheek rest against his back and I can feel him relax a little bit.

"I love you, Jo." I can hear his voice crack a little and betray his strong exterior. I wonder if he's crying. I want to look but I feel frozen in this spot. Though I'm with Pacey I feel alone. Alone with my thoughts.

****

Dawson

I didn't want this to happen. Not like this. Now I feel evil. Like I swept in and seduced Joey with parties and premiers. My rational mind knows better. It knows that nothing happened that wasn't completely innocent, at least for Joey. I admit that I reveled in her touch, I drank in the sight of her like a fine wine, I basked in our exchanges, and let her very essence soothe over my soul. I took what I could get from her and relished it. And it is pathetic. I saw the look in Pacey's face and the desperation in Joey's. She was desperate to keep him. How am I supposed to hope for us to be together when she so obviously wants him? I want to have faith but it is so hard. Maybe if I hadn't seen them patching things up I could still hope. But I saw them; her arms snaked around his back with her cheek resting on him. They didn't move. I watched until I couldn't stand it any longer. 

And now I'm here; at the dock staring at the creek. Her curves are more beautiful than that of any woman. The twists and turns of the creek outline the twists and turns of my life. Just when I think that I'm going one way there is a bend and I'm off in a new direction. On my show the creek is almost a character in itself. It connects all of the characters who live alongside it. Just as it did for me and Joey. In a way I think of this as Joey's creek because it would bring her to me in that little rowboat. But in another way I think of it as our creek. When were young we splashed around in it, when we were teens it became a liquid highway with a wonderful destination, and as we grew it became a place of reflection and introspection. There is no better place on Earth to organize one's thoughts. Maybe I'm attaching a too much sentimental value to a stretch of water. I don't know.

"I think I have pieced all of the events together." I turn from my thoughts to see Grams coming up the dock. She looks slightly older and moves a little slower but I can't help think that she'll outlive us all.

"Does everyone else know?" 

"It appears so. But it never took very long for news like that to circulate among you kids, did it?" 

"No," I can't help but think of the time Jen let it slip about Pacey and Joey — the first time. "Good news travels fast and bad news even faster."

"And is this good news or bad news?" Grams asks. 

Honestly I just don't know the answer to that. I have a feeling that it will be the final nail in the coffin for one relationship, I'm just not sure which one. "I don't know," I answer simply. Yet I feel like Grams gets it. She understands the subtle overtones and undercurrents involved, some based on events sometimes a decade before. 

"Are you in love with Josephine?" Only Grams could call Joey that. Truth is I think that Joey may still be afraid of Grams. Just a little.

"Yes." There it is the simple honest truth spoken out loud after all these years wrapped up in one simple word.

"Then you have to tell her. Though today is not the day." I realize that she is right. Today is not the time to get swept up in a seemingly endless love triangle. This is a time to be with my family and my friends. This is a time to celebrate the memory of Jen. How often do we have a chance to all be together? And this is what we do. We fight and sulk. Grams is right, as she usually is. Joey needs to know how I feel, but not today. I just wish that things were not as complicated as they are. 

"I just wish it was simple," I can't help but say it. I know it sounds childish, but that's how I feel.

"Perhaps if it were simple it wouldn't be worth it." I feel as if a bolt of lightning has just gone off in my brain. For some reason the words resonate with me. I want to use them for my show. Now I have to laugh at myself for thinking of work even in the midst of a personal crisis.

"You're right. But sometimes I just wish that I had felt about Jen the way I feel about Joey. It would have been so easy." It's true. Boy falls in love with girl next door and lives happily ever after. The secondary players could pair off and we could all ride off into the sunset. It's very Hollywood. 

"I know that Jennifer's feelings were similar." Grams pauses for a bit and stares at her old house. I know she must be remembering events and people that are gone now. "But we can't manipulate our feelings. You can't chose who you love. So love may not be simple but it isspecial." I smile because I was thinking of the word scorching.

Joey

He's gone now. Pacey that is. He and Andie went for a drive somewhere. She understands him better than I do, and it irks me. I suppose that it's just a small taste of the way that Pacey feels about Dawson. Now I'm just watching Dawson and Grams talking by the creek. 

It's amazing how one simple stretch of water can mean so much to me. It sort of embodies my past. Old friends, family, Dawson. I feel that he and I mix with the currents of creek and meld with the memories of splashing children, rowboats, and thinking docks. I kind of like the imagery of two souls intertwined within the rippling effects of the water. I should probably write that down before I forget it. I could use it in my novel. Maybe I'm just placing too much importance on a strip of water.

""Long day, huh?" It's Jack. I can only begin to wonder what he has to say about all of this. 

"You could say that,' I answer and do my best to smile.

""You don't have to pretend," Jack says. "I came out here because I couldn't pretend anymore." There is no emotion in his voice. Maybe a small sense of defeat. I can't be too sure.

Needless to say I feel like an ass. I can only begin to imagine how hard it must be for Jack right now. The one person who meant the world to him is gone. He is adjusting to living with Doug and Grams and on top of that has a baby. I can only begin to imagine what he must be going through. 

"I'm sorry, Jack." I don't know what else to say. "I know it must be hard." That's an understatement, I know.

"This isn't what Jen intended," he says softly. I'm sure she didn't. I remember when she told me that when she was eighty-six and in a nursing home the person who gave her a bath would know she was a mother because of the scar from her c-section. That was only a little over a year ago. God, it seems like forever since then. And I wonder how exactly I got to the point I'm at now. But there I go again making things about me.

"Jen thought she would live to be an old woman," I say softly. 

"That's not what I meant," Jack says as he watches Dawson and Grams at the edge of the dock. 

I can only look at him curiously and wait for him to continue. Twenty seconds or two minutes may have passed before he starts talking again.

"I'm not sure if I should tell you this or not, but I'm going to anyway. Do what you will with the information. I mean it's your life, not anyone else's." 

"What is it?" He sounds so serious.

"I know that Jen asked you to settle the whole love triangle thing as her dying wish." I'm surprised, but only for a moment. Jack and Jen were best friends. It makes sense that she would tell him. 

I don't say anything and Jack continues after a moment. "But there are two other things that she told me that you don't know about. I know that she asked Pacey to let you go and I also know that she told Dawson to be ready for his soul mate to come back into his life." He stops and turns and finally looks at me. 

I have no clue what to say, how to feel. "Does this mean what I think it means?" I finally ask Jack. I think it does but I want to hear the words.

"It means that Jen thought you would choose Dawson." He says it so simply, yet it is anything but simple. My mind is reeling. That was why Pacey said he was letting me off the hook. And Dawson, he must have been confused, maybe even devastated, when after our talk about being soul mates he finds me with Pacey once again. All this time Dawson has been walking around with what Jen told him. Even if he has no romantic feelings for me it still must not be an easy assumption to live with. 

"What am I supposed to do?" I ask Jack. Does this mean I'm supposed to dump Pacey and run to Dawson even though I promised I wouldn't. Would Dawson even want me? Should I stay with Pacey? I do love him. Is that enough? Maybe I need to move on from the both of them. Maybe I'm not meant to be with guys that I dated in high school.

"Only you know for sure what is best for you. Not Jen, myself, or anyone can decide that. I just thought that you should have all the facts. And the facts are that Jen thought you and Dawson would be together."

My head is swimming, my body feels like dead weight, and my mouth is dry. Every doubt I've ever had is buzzing through my brain. There are doubts about myself, about Pacey, about Dawson, and every relationship I've ever had. 

Jack and I stay in silence for a long time. We see Dawson and Grams start to walk back towards the house. Before they get to close Jack turns to me again.

"My soul mate is gone. You're lucky. What if the one person who meant the most to you was suddenly taken away? What regrets would you have?"

****

Pacey

Andie and I have been sitting on the hood of my car both wrapped in my jacket for about a half an hour now. She knows I need the silence to clear my head. All I'm craving right now is peace. All I want is a tiny bit of tranquility. Sand Pointe offers tranquility, if not much else. I remember I used to drive Andie up here when we were sixteen. And here we are once again, me feeling like a failure. Not too much has changed.

"Are you happy?" I finally ask her. 

"Yes," she says with a small smile. And why wouldn't she be? She has everything that she ever wanted. "And no" she adds. This confuses me a bit. 

"What do you mean?" I don't want to pry but I feel like I can talk to her about it.

"I have everything that I always wanted," she says slowly. "And I love my job. I love helping people. But I don't have much left over at the end of the day for myself, not like I have anyone to share it with." She smiles when she says it and I think she wanted it to come off as a joke. I know her better. "And I miss my family. It's only an hour separation but some days it feels like forever."

"What do you want?" I ask after a moment of silence. "What's your plan." It's Andie. I know that she has a plan. 

"When I'm done with my residency I want to come back to Capeside. I can be with Jack and Amy. I want to get married, have four kids, maybe a dog. I want to have a ridiculously boring yet happy life." She smiles when she is done. 

"It doesn't sound boring to me." It sounds nice. Like everything I want but don't think I'll have. "It sounds peaceful."

"Same question." Andie says as she pulls my jacket a little closer to her.

"Am I happy?" I repeat. "What do I want?" I pause for a moment and think about the questions. The answers are there. I'm just afraid to say it out loud. 

"No." I finally say. "I'm happy, but not truly content. Does that make sense?" Andie just nods. "As for what I want, I want a wife, four kids, maybe a dog. What our friends have referred to in the past as a domestic wasteland. A ridiculously boring, yet happy life."

We sit in silence once again. I know that we have to go back soon. Our real lives are waiting for us. But a part of me doesn't want to go. Part of me wants to sit with Andie and watch the sun set and wake up on the beach and watch the sun rise.

"I don't have a soul mate," I blurt out before I even knew that I was thinking it. "I mean thatwell." I backpedal.

"I know what you mean," Andie says. "In our circle I think the word may be a little overused. But I know what you mean, though." She sounds sad now. I didn't want to depress her. Now I feel like a complete loser. All she has done has been good to me and I always seem to be dumping all my problems on her.

A thought forms in my head. "How about whenever you feel like you could use a soul mate you just give me a call? I'll sort of serve as a stand in."

"Ditto," Andie says as she leans her head on my shoulder. I try not to let myself get lost in the scent of vanilla. Suddenly I'm nervous with her so close to me. It is definitely time that we go back.


	12. Chapter Twelve

Disclaimer: I am in no way connected to Dawson's Creek and no copyright infringement is intended.

Notes: This is a D/J fic set after the final episode with the alternating POV's of Joey, Pacey, and Dawson 

Rating: R for language and some sexual situations.

****

Body And Soul

Chapter 12

Dawson

Somehow I've managed to make it through this day. I've kept a calm exterior as Joey and Jack talked out on the porch as that magazine article was passed back and forth more times than Joey has gone between me and Pacey. Miraculously I choked back the tears at the dinner table when Grams said she was thankful to God for giving Jen, and now herself, such wonderful friends and family when she was at a point in her life when she thought she had done all of the loving that God had intended for her. I laughed when she also said she was thankful that she looked younger than the woman who plays her on television. I have kept my voice steady and calm as my mother asked me what was going on. I told her nothing. Joey and I are just friends and that this really wasn't the time to hash anything out. 

The most difficult thing was watching Pacey come back with Andie and seeing Joey do everything short of fall down at his feet. There has been holding of hands, fetching of beers, sitting of laps, and one fifteen minute absence where I don't even want to think about what went on. So I guess I was right when I told my mother there is nothing going on between me and Joey. I know that sometime during this break I have to tell her how I feel. I don't want it to slowly eat away at our friendship until there is nothing left. 

Through it all I've tried to console myself with the fact that I get the best part of her, the part I'm sure Pacey never sees, maybe doesn't even know exists. I have her mind and her soul. But that is of little consolation when I see them walking to his car as she snakes her arm around his waist, most likely the thought of make up sex spurring them on. . Who am I kidding? I want it all. I want all of her in the way that she could have all of me – if she only asked. I love her soul, I admire her mind, but I want that beautiful body. I don't just want it for the obvious physical reasons. I desire it because her body is a reflection of her mind and soul. And I know I'm only setting myself up for heartbreak.

****

Joey

This afternoon I've done everything in my power to show Pacey that he has nothing to worry about. I've held his hand at the dinner table. I watched the football game while sitting on his lap. (Well I pretended to watch the game as I sat on his lap). I've gotten him a fresh beer from the fridge whenever his appeared to be getting low. I even pulled him into the bathroom for a quick blow job, hoping no one would notice. I must admit doing that in the Leery house made me feel a little guilty but I'm desperate for Pacey to feel at ease about Dawson and me. Yeah, desperate is the right word. I feel panicked. I don't want to lose Pacey. I love him. I know that I've been having a lot of indecisive thoughts lately, honestly I always have. But I don't want to lose Pacey, not like this.

And I've avoided Dawson, something easier said than done. My every nerve has been crying out for us to talk about this. Dawson feels the same way. I could see it in his eyes. I know that today was not the right time and I promised Pacey that I would wait until we talked about what happened, but I need my best friend. The worst part about today was watching Dawson act like he didn't know that I was avoiding him, watching him keep all of his emotions inside. I can only imagine what he thinks of all this. I hope he doesn't feel guilty. He didn't do anything wrong. No one really did. 

But now as Pacey and I are driving away I can feel a pit of anxiety forming in my stomach. As much as I wanted to pretend that everything was fine today, I know that what is going to happen when we get home tonight can't be good. 

As much as I have tried to concentrate on Pacey today Jack's words have been haunting me. What he said about his soul mate being gone while I still have the chance to change things keeps running through my head. The fact that Jen thought that I would chose Dawson is haunting me. Mostly to reassure myself I rub Pacey's thigh and rest my hand on his knee.

****

Pacey

Funny how just last week Joey's hand on my knee was such a comforting gesture. Now I can't help but wonder if it is a natural reaction or an attempt to sooth my wounded ego. I can admit that my ego is about as bruised as my heart. Well actually I could only admit that to Andie but I'm confident that my secret is safe with her – it always is. 

After I came back with Andie the day was better than I thought it would be. I know that Joey was doing her best to reassure me that things were fine. She watched the football game on my lap and even pulled me into the bathroom and went down on me. Actually I wasn't too surprised about that. Sex has never been our problem.

And she kept her promise of not talking to Dawson until things between us have been settled. It's not exactly like I'm insane with jealousy or think that they had a passionate affair while she was gone. But I'm no fool. Things are never simple between her and Dawson. I just want a fighting chance.

Joey and I have never really talked through our problems. Usually we avoid them for as long as possible and then they explode. After talking with Andie today I realize that Joey and I can't avoid our issues forever. With us the future is almost a four letter word. There is so much we have to talk about. So much that we have been avoiding and will eventually, if not tonight, blow up in our faces.

We walk into the house in silence. I forgot to take her bag from my car, but I can do that after we talk. Taking a deep breath I start to walk over to the kitchen table but I feel a cool pair of arms wrap around my waist.

"Joey," I say. "We have to talk." I've never been one to pass up sex but this has to be done know. If I wait I'll lose my nerve and the things we need to get out in the open will never be said. 

"We can talk later," she coaxes as she blindly tries to undo my belt buckle.

I can't help but assist her hands in undoing the clasp and I unzip my pants. Hell, we have the rest of our lives to talk. 

"Wait," I can't believe I actually said it. Gently I take her hands away from my waist and take a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm myself down. Then I do up my zipper and I turn to face her. The expression that I knew would be on her face is there. A mixture f hurt and confusion. "We have a lot to talk about."

"We can talk about that article later," she says as she gives me her sexy smile. Actually I really don't ever want to talk about it. If I thought our relationship could get away with it I would just take her to the bedroom and try to forget about all of our problems. But there are problems. Problems that go beyond Dawson, things we never addressed. And I don't want to hate her and I don't want her to resent me. God, I love her so much that I have to do this. I have to do this for us.

"Jo, we have to talk now."

"Nothing happened, I swear. It was nothing. They twisted everything just to fit a story. Nothing happened."

Now she's just looking at me expectantly. She's waiting for the explosion, the barrage of accusations. Dawson is my kryptonite; she knows it. Joey is expecting me to break, but I can't break. I need all the strength that I can muster to do this.

"I know that nothing happened." I can see the relief in her face and somehow that makes this worse. "I mean that I know you think nothing happened" This really isn't coming out the way that I want it to. 

"But," Joey begins.

"Just let me say what I have to say first," I interrupt her. "First we can address the whole Dawson thing and then I think that there are some other issues that we need to discuss." I can see the confusion in her face. Joey and I aren't really the confronting things head on type of couple but I'm determined to do this right. 

I take another deep breath. Looking into her eyes I'm struggling with the need to just take her in my arms. I need her too much. "So I just need you to hear me out before you say anything, I mean really listen." She just nods so I continue. "So we agreed to do the whole Dawson thing first?" She just nods again and it was really more of a rhetorical question. Now that the burden to speak is solely put upon my shoulders I want her to say something, anything. 

"Like I was saying before I know that you didn't cheat on me, would never cheat on mebut the pictures didn't exactly lie. They may have been taken out of context but you did hold his hand and kiss him." Her face looks pained and it kills me, but I can't stop now. "Honestly I don't know what context those pictures were taken in and I believe that you might not be so sure either. I'm not even going to pretend to understand the Dawson and Joey dynamic. I never have and honestly probably never will." I can see her face flash with panic, but only for a moment. The she sets her features straight and unyielding. I know she wants to protest but I have to get this all out so I don't give her a chance. 

"But that's not our biggest problem and as much as I know we both want to dance around it we both know that we can't go on like this forever. You coming up here every weekend and me taking time off to go to New York. And relocating wouldn't be an option either. I own the Ice House and I'm still paying it off and I will be for an awfully long time. I can't just pack up and go to New York. Honestly, I wouldn't want to."

Joey lowers her head and just mumbles, "But I could come to Capesidefor good, I mean."

"Can you look me in the eyes and say that, Jo?" I know that she can't and she keeps her head down. "And even if you could I wouldn't believe you. You have a career and a life in New York that you wouldn't be able to have in Capeside. Maybe if I lived in Boston or Providence we could have worked around it. But when it comes down to it we want different things."

"No we don't," she says quickly and a tear escapes. "We both want to have a family someday."

"That's just it," I say gently as I take her in my arms. The fact that it feels so right makes this harder than I ever imagined it could be. "For you a family is a someday thing and for me it's a anytime thing. I don't even know how many kids you want?"

"Two," she cries into my shoulder. "I want two children." I stroke her hair and I find myself crying. I'm crying because there are some things that love can't conquer, I'm crying because there is a part of me that will always love her, I'm crying because I have to let her go.

"You're off the hook," I whisper into her ear. 

"I don't want to be," she almost whines. "I don't want to let go."

"I know," I console her. "I don't want it either, but that is the way it has to be." I have to take a moment to collect myself. The tears are flowing freely now and I'm powerless to stop them. But at least I don't have that empty feeling I did when I saw her and Dawson on the pages of that magazine. I welcome the hurt because it is the first true, uncomplicated emotion that I have felt in a long time. Our love was complicated but the hurt will be easier because I know it won't last forever.

"We can make it work." It sounds more like she's convincing herself and I know that in a way she is. I'm starting to have a feeling like we came full circle. We're breaking up just as we did so many years ago in similar circumstances. I see Joey and Dawson have some sort of moment and I realize that Joey and I are headed on different paths. But it is different this time; I'm not a kid anymore. I don't feel inferior and I think that we are doing this better. Hell, I know we're doing this better. And it's different because this time I thought it would last forever.

"No, we can't," I say regretfully. What I say next will end it for good. "I'm not just letting you off the hook, I'm throwing you back in the water. I don't know if you are going to run straight to Dawson, someone else or be by yourself or what. And it really isn't any of my business what you decide to do. Just know that I do love you. A part of me will always love you."

"I love you too," she says like a child that is about to stamp their foot and shout Not fair!'. That's what I want to do as well. I just hold her more tightly instead. "But it really won't work, will it?" She says it slowly as if she just realized it herself. I have no words left so I just shake my head. 

To be continued


	13. Chapter Thirteen

Disclaimer: I am in no way connected to Dawson's Creek and no copyright infringement is intended.

Notes: This is a D/J fic set after the final episode with the alternating POV's of Joey, Pacey, and Dawson 

Rating: R for language and some sexual situations

****

Body And Soul

Chapter Thirteen

Joey

As I walk through the night I adjust my overnight bag slung on my back and take a deep breath. Maybe it's the fact that I'm carrying a duffel bag, I don't know, but suddenly I'm reminded of the time that Dawson spilled an entire bottle of Gravity cologne in his duffel bag after gym class freshman year of high school. That smell permeated everything for at least a month. It was in all of Dawson's clothes, his hair, his locker, even his room was consumed by the scent. And I was too. Bessie could always tell when I had been at Dawson's, she said she could actually smell me coming through the door. That smell clung to me as well, all my clothes. I bitched about it, but secretly I loved it. It was almost as if he had branded me. Like I was almost Dawson's girl, or something. No matter where I was or where he was I could just inhale deeply and he was with me. The very notion of it is so beyond girly and perhaps was even bordering on pathetic. But that was how I felt at the time. 

There's a feeling in the air that is in exact opposition to what just happened to me. The air is sweet and crisp. It feels like bonfires and apple cider and good friends and mind blowing conversations. It reminds me of that Thanksgiving so long ago my junior year of high school. Things weren't the way we wanted them to be, but we had our friends. The air held promise and possibilities drifted in the breeze. Maybe things aren't so different after all. 

I've been up and down this town. There are more places to get lost in Capeside than most people think. Not that anyone is looking for me. And now I'm trying to decide if I'm going back to the B&B orsomewhere else. Who the hell am I kidding? I'm thinking of going to Dawson's. I want to go to him. But if I do go now everything will tumble out, not just what happened with Pacey but the feelings that I've held for him for so long. Feelings that I try to tuck away, that I attempt to dismiss as friendship or history will come tumbling out. I don't think that this is the right time for that. How selfish would I be if I came to him now, dumped all of my problems about Pacey on his lap, and then made some declaration of undying love. 

What would he even do? Would he give me a small look of pity and then tell me that he's moved on? Would he say that I'm just upset about Pacey and he won't stand in as a Pacey replacement until we make up? Or would he say that he loves me too? How selfish would I be to come to him tonight, when all of us have come together for the first time since Jen died, and once again lay my life down at his feet and ask him to put the pieces back together. But it is thoughts of Jen that have spurred me on as I walk. And I am selfish; I'm already here.

****

Dawson

"Joey?" I say. I'm not sure why but I'm not exactly surprised to see her coming through my window. Somehow I expected it. I must have. Why else would I have left the window wide open in November? Maybe I just hoped for it.

"I didn't want to wake up your sister and your parents. Well your mom anduh, step-dad?"

"I just call him Harry. I just feel too old to have a step-dad." I think of Harry more as my mom's other half, a father figure for Lily. But I already have a father. Nothing against Harry, that's just how I feel. He's a good guy, though. I know that he loves my mom and Lily and would do anything for them and I respect that.

"FunnyI don't even really think of him as having a name. I just think of him as Gale's husband." I have to laugh when Joey says that. For a good deal of time I didn't think of him as having a name either. He was just my mom's friend and then my mom's boyfriend. But when they got engaged it all became more real and I slowly learned to think of him as Harry.

"What I um, well I mean that uh, it's just that" Joey stammers and it's so cute that I can't help but laugh even harder.

"No, Jo." I'm trying to control my laughter. "I totally understand what you are saying. I didn't even think of him as a person until they became engaged."

Now she comes and sits next to me on the bed. I catch a whiff of the fall air that still clings to her. It's nice like football games, apple cider, and bonfires. "It's just that in a lot of ways Mitch was more of a father to me than my own dad was. It's just a little weird to see someone else almost in his place. It's nice but weird."

"I understand," I say. And I do. It is weird to have someone else sleeping in the same bed with my mother, pulling quarters out of Lily's ear, and even mowing the lawn. But it's a good kind of weird. My mom and Lily deserve those things. 

There is a moment of silence as Joey turns serious. There has to be a reason that Joey is here and not with Pacey. I know that I don't know the in and outs of their relationship but I can't imagine him being fine with Joey showing up here on the first chance they have had to be alone all week.

"What is it?' I finally ask. 

"Pacey," she begins. And I'm not surprised. 

"Did you two have a fight about today?" 

"Not exactly," she answers and is silent again.

I'm just about to ask her exactly what happened. Whatever it was must have had quite the effect on her. She doesn't appear to be angry and she's not teary eyed, just sad. Engulfed in sadness. But she continues. "We didn't fight he sorta broke up with me. Well he did break up with me." Her shoulders slump a little when she says it and that one little gesture brings me more pain than I've had in a long time.

"I'm sorry Joey." I put my arm around her. Am I sorry? Isn't this what I have been waiting for? I am sorry because Joey is hurt. I don't want her to be sad, and she is. And I hope that Pacey didn't think Joey and I were having some sort of affair or something. I don't want to be the reason they break up. 

"Me too," she says. "But it was so weird. I mean it was amicable. I cried, he cried. He said that he loves me but that it would just never work out. Not in the long run anyway." I want to say that I knew this all along, but I don't. "And he's right," Joey continues. "I think that deep down we both knew it but just didn't have the courage to say it out loud. So Pacey was the brave one. He ended it now while there was still something left to end."

"I know that you may not want to hear this right now, but that was probably the right thing to do," I say cautiously. I know it was the right thing but there is just so much history between us all. I feel I have to tread lightly in this area. But I'm glad that she came to me, that after everything I'm her friend. Sometimes I don't fully appreciate the fact that we are friends. It's amazing actually that we still have each other in this incredible way. It's nothing to dismiss. I'd rather have Joey as a friend than any other woman as my lover.

****

Joey

As Dawson tells me that Pacey probably did the right thing it takes me back to a different time where Pacey told me something like that. It was when I threw myself at Dawson the night of his party. Still my most embarrassing moment. But it also reminds me how much history is there between us. Between everyone, really. Funny, there was a time when Jen, Jack , and Andie were the new kids in town. 

"It was the right thing," I admit. "I know it was right but it's still"

"Hard," Dawson inserts.

"Yeah, hard." I agree. "You don't stop loving them, you just,"

"Stop needing them like you used to," Dawson completes the sentence for me. Dawson knows, we've been through this before. 

"Uh huh," I agree. "I think I messed everything up," I confess and hope that I don't start crying. 

"Joey, if seeing a rumor in some magazine was enough catalyst for a break up then the relationship may not have had much staying power anyway." He says it gently and I know that he doesn't want to hurt me. But he doesn't understand what I'm trying to say.

"That's not what I meant," I say, choking back the tears. "I mean that I think I messed up when I got back together with Pacey to begin with." He's silent. I know that he doesn't know what to say. So I just continue before I lose my nerve. "Before Jen died she told me that she wanted me to settle this whole love triangle thing. Sort of like her dying wish or something." After talking with Jack today I know that Dawson knows this yet I feel like I have to start at the beginning. "She sort of wanted me to make a final choice or something like that. She knew I was still in love with an ex-boyfriend." I see Dawson close his eyes when I say this and that one small gesture hurts me more deeply than I ever thought was possible. 

"I know," he finally says. "Jen talked to me too."

"Jack told me that today." I wonder if I should tell him the rest. But I don't want there to be any secrets between us, so I do. "I'm not sure how to say this, so I'm just going to say it." Now I've lost my nerve. I have to gather all the strength that I have and remember that Jen would want me to not leave anything unsaid between us. "Jen told me to chose the one that I still loved, Jen told you to always be open to the possibility of your soul mate returning, and she told Pacey to let me go and find happiness within himself." 

I take a deep breath and look over at Dawson. There. I said it. His face is blank but is slowly changing.

"So Jen really thought" Dawson trails off.

"Yeah, Jen thought I would choose you." He doesn't look happy or at least relieved like I thought he would and I hope I haven't lost him forever. 

"But she was wrong," Dawson says simply. His voice has no emotion. He is just stating a fact.

It's now or never. "She was wrong about who I chose, not who I loved. Who I love."

I can see the physical change in him. He sits up straight and his eyes betray the straight lines set in his face.

"But I really want the chance to explain myself. Then we can talk, alright?" 

Dawson simply nods and I assume that it is fine for me to begin to explain, as best I can, how we ended up in this whole situation. How I put us in this situation. I'm not sure how far back I should go. I guess as far back as I need to. 

"After we slept together," that's right, I'm going back about six years. "Do you remember when I admitted that I would rather have the fantasy?" He just nods his head yes once again. 

I'm not really sure where to go from here, how to best explain what I'm trying to say. "Remember that book I was reading yesterday?"

"The French one?" he asks.

"A Sentimental Education, by Flaubert. The French one."

"It's the only book that makes life worth living!" Dawson pipes up. Now I'm surprised. Dawson has never been heavily into literature and I just can't imagine him settling down with a French novel written in the 1800's."

"You know it?" 

"Not really," Dawson admits. "In Woody Allen's film, Manhattan, he says it's the only book in the world that makes life worth living. It's in a list of things like Marlon Brando, Swedish films, and W.C. Fields."

That's more like the Dawson I know. "I'm not so sure about that, but it's one of my favorites and I was reading it again yesterday"

"Yesterday seems like a million years ago." He's right, it does. In the course of one simple day everything has changed. Or maybe it has always been this way. 

"Yes, yes it does. Anyway, I first read that book when I was a sophomore in college. Professor Wilder said it had the best ending in all of literature. It piqued my interest, so I read it. It turns out that it follows the life of a young man into middle age. He's a naïve romantic. Frederic, that's his name, sees a woman shortly upon his arrival to Paris. He becomes captivated by her but nothing ever comes of it after a series false starts and bad timing. He has this completely romantic vision of his own life and expects things to be a series of grand gestures and sweeping romantic love."

"Are you saying that I'm," Dawson begins but I have to say this before I lose my nerve so I interrupt him. 

"I'm saying that I'm Frederic, not you, Dawson." Dawson looks at me curiously and I take the opportunity to continue.

"He has this romantic view of life and he would rather have the fantasy. At the same time that he is dreaming his dreams the city of Paris is in utter upheaval. He witnesses an uprising in Paris but he himself feels powerless to act. I won't get too bogged down in the ideas of liberty, equality, and fraternity that were floating around at the time. The important thing is the same failure to act carries on to his own life too. 

Anyway as Frederic grows from youth to adulthood he drifts and none of his promise if fulfilled and his dreams are never realized. And it's his own indecisive nature that dooms him to a life of empty dreams.

When I first read Sentimental Education it gave me an uneasy feeling – but that is exactly what it is supposed to do. It was socowardly. But now it is one of my favorites and each passing time that I read it the comforting and bittersweet feeling that I'm left with only grows – and I don't like what that says about me. It says that I myself am becoming more ineffectual and weak. And I don't want to be that, Dawson. What is supposed to be one of the best literary endings of all time is simply two best friends talking about the best thing that never happened to them. I don't want that to be me. I don't want that to be us. 

I'm saying that I love you and I have in some way since I was fifteen. But the love that I have for you now is different than the love that a fifteen year old girl has for a fifteen year old boy. It's real, true, and maybe not so innocent. But that is what has made it last all these years. As we have changed so has my love for you. 

As much as I would like to simply profess my love to you tonight and have us fade to black, cue happy music, and call it a wrap – I can't. There are things with myself that I need to fix, things that I'm just starting to work on. Things from my childhood have carried into my adult life, as I'm sure you know. There is this theory in psychology that you either take on the same role as your mother or father in your future relationships. The problem right now is that we are both taking on the roles of our fathers. I guess that it is not really a problem for you. Mitch was great; you should be like him. But lets face it, my dad is kind of sucky in the relationship department. He takes a person's love and uses it against them, hurts them, is selfish. I don't think that he even means to do it most of the time. That is just the way he is. But I don't want that to be my way."

I take a moment to actually breathe. The words have been pouring from my lips faster than I could even form them into conscious thoughts. I just hope that Dawson understands, will wait. 

"I'm going to sublet my apartment in New York and stay with Bessie for a while." I continue talking as I attempt to read his face. For one of the only times in my life I have no idea what he is thinking. "I'm going to take your advice and really work on my novel, help Bessie out at the B&B, and just really take the time to fix some of the things inside me."

Now I wish that Dawson would say something, anything. Even if it were I don't love you like that' at least then I would know. He is just sitting on the edge of his bed, blank. 

"I know that this sounds a lot like my trying to find myself' speech that I gave when I was fifteen. In a lot of ways it is. But now I have more insight into myself. I know that an identity isn't just something that you stumble upon in art class one day. It is something that changes and grows as people change and grow. It doesn't happen alone. If you do love me the same way that I love you I know that I have no right to ask for you to wait for me. It's a big risk and I know that anything can happen in the time that we are apart. With us something always happens, but it is a risk that I am willing to take. If we came together and I was as I am right now it wouldn't last. And if you do love me I want us to last."

And he still sits there. Blank. Why at the one time in my life that I want a dramatic reaction from him is he so stoic? I'm growing increasingly nervous. The longer he waits to speak, the more panicked I'm becoming. Maybe I shouldn't have done this. Maybe this was the wrong time. Maybe I fooled myself into thinking he could love me the same way that I love him.

"Say something, please." I urge.

****

Dawson

My mind is racing to process all of the information that has just been loaded into it. Never did I expect Joey to come here tonight, spewing analogies to French literature and making declarations of love. 

First off she loves me. She loves me in a way that goes beyond the sweaty palms of high school. She loves me in the way that I love her. Yet she is asking me to wait. For how long? Indefinitely it seems. And part of me wants to wait forever for her. But the realist in me knows that might not work. Waiting is a dangerous game.

I know that she is nervous because I haven't said anything. Dawson Leery is not usually one to be struck speechless, but I am. I have to will myself to verbalize my thoughts.

"Joey," I begin, just to get my bearing. "I do love you." The look of sheer joy mixed with relief on her face almost makes the years of waiting worth it. All I want to do now is kiss her, make love to her. I want our bodies to heal each other. But I know that Joey has healing of her own to do. I'll help in any small way that I can; yet I know that my role in this must be minimal. 

"And I know that there are things that you need to do on your own," I continue. "And I'll help you and support you in any way that you want me to. I'll be as involved or uninvolved as you need me to be." I can see her whole body relax and I don't want to say what I have to say next.

"But I can't promise you that I'll be exactly what you want me to be at the end of your journey. You will always have my unconditional friendship, you will always be my soul mate, but I just can't promise that after an undefined amount of time I will still be waiting in the wings the moment you say that you are ready. I'm sorry."

"Dawson," Joey says with composure that I admire. "I understand. This whole situation is more than a little fucked up and is mostly my doing." She pauses for a moment and then her hand finds mine. Just the feeling of our fingers intertwined is enough for me to want to tell her that I would wait forever for her, but I can't.

"Just know that I love you."

"I love you too, Jo. So much it hurts."

"Me too," she says and lets the tears fall silently. I pull her into my arms to let her cry and I find that I am crying with her. I'm crying because she consumes so much of my soul, I'm crying because I love her so much, and I'm crying because things can't be exactly as I want them to be at this moment.

We stay as we are long after the tears dry up and I never want to let her go. I just want to stay with her, in the bedroom of my childhood, with her in my arms. In a way this is her room as much as it is mine.

"I should go," Joey says reluctantly and breaks the spell of silence and memories.

I hug her once more just to feel her close to me. I would ask her to spend the night but somehow I realize that is not what she needs right now.

"I love you, Jo. Be careful, please."

"I will," she turns around from the window ledge. "And I love you too"

"Jo," I say as an afterthought when she is halfway out the window.

"Yeah?" she turns her head around.

"What was the thing?"

"What thing?"

"The best thing between two friends that never happened?"

Joey smiles. "Just some debacle at a brothel."

I can't help but laugh. The eloquent theory that Joey articulately used to describe our relationship was really based on a bad encounter at a whorehouse. Joey's laughing too and it's the last sound I hear before the footsteps fade away.

To Be Continued


	14. Chapter Fourteen

Disclaimer: I am in no way connected to Dawson's Creek and no copyright infringement is intended.

Notes: This is a D/J fic set after the final episode with the alternating POV's of Joey, Pacey, and Dawson 

Rating: R for language and some sexual situations.

Author's Note: This takes place a few weeks from where we last left off. So it is almost Christmas.

****

Body And Soul

Chapter Fourteen

****

Joey

"Do you want to do it now?" I ask stifling a small giggle. 

"Yeah, do you?" Dawson asks. I can tell from his voice he feels as foolish as I do. 

"Ok. We have to start at the same time or it won't work."

"I know. Do you think this is stupid for us to be doing?" Dawson asks me. Honestly, I've asked that question myself.

"Weird, yes. Stupid, maybe. But it feels like the right thing to do." Yeah this probably is stupid. I most definitely will keep this a secret between me and Dawson.

"Alright. On the count of three then," Dawson says.

"One, Two, Three." We slowly count together. I want to laugh at our foolishness. This is juvenile. Instead I press play on the DVD player and have to laugh at Dawson and I watching the same movie on separate coasts. Movie night isn't quite the same thousands of miles apart. Living in Capeside has substantially cut into my social life, not that I really had much of one before. It also makes bi-coastal movie night with Dawson sound like a very tempting offer.

This is a new thing that Dawson and I tried last week. Now that he is back in California I miss him terribly. But I'm doing well. I spend my days writing, making up beds at the B&B, playing with Alex and Lily, babysitting Amy, and hanging out with Jack. There is definitely something to be said about sitting back and watching a familiar movie with an old friend – even if that friend is only a voice on the other end of the phone.

"My cell bill is going to be sky high," Dawson says.

"Me too," I happily agree.

"Money well spent," Dawson says.

"Money better used on a plane ticket." It is more of a joke than a serious suggestion. Dawson has way too much work to do right now to fly out here just to see me. And I have to watch my finances. The only money that I have right now is in my savings. Luckily I don't have to worry about rent because I'm subletting my apartment and Bessie wouldn't take a dime from me. Still it's not a very good idea to be flying across the country. 

Funny, there was a time when I thought getting off the Cape for the afternoon was an escape. Escape then became the Florida Keys, then the distinguished halls of Worthington, France (finally), and then escape took the form of The Big Apple. It was exhilarating at first. No one knew who I was and no on cared. I wasn't Joey Potter, Capeside charity case or the girl who was torn between her childhood friends. I wasn't a struggling college student; I was a woman with a world of possibilities. 

The people I dated didn't know the first thing about me or I about them. They didn't know the big things about me; that I grew up poor, that my mother died when I young, that I was raised by my sister through my formative years, that my father was an ex-convict. And they didn't know the small things either; that my first kiss was with a tourist, that I accidentally broke Dawson's nose with a baseball bat when we were seven, that I used to have a pet hamster named Laurence before Pacey accidentally left the door to the cage open. Hell, they didn't even know who Dawson and Pacey were – and they didn't care.

At first it was great. I felt like I had a huge blank canvas and the ability to paint myself in any way that chose. After a while I learned that wasn't exactly true. You can't completely change who you are and erase the past in one fell swoop. Problems have an annoying way of chasing after you. Sooner or later they do catch you. So I did the thing that I always do – run. The thing is, these men had no idea who I really was so more often than naught by the time they figured out what I was doing I was already gone. If they ever figured it out.

"February." Dawson says.

"Huh," I've been so lost in my head that I lost track of our conversation.

"You'll be here in February. Audrey is already planning the sweeps party. Sans the cameras and gossip columns."

"Yeah. That sounds good. Plus you'll be here for Christmas and that's only a week away." Actually it's almost no time. Gale is reviving the tradition of the Leery (or as the invitations read the Leery-Gifford Christmas party). Bessie, Grams, and I have been helping Gale with the planning. I have to say it's been a blast. I'm starting to think less and less of them as the adults'. Bessie isn't even forty! 

"Audrey called me this afternoon and said she could fly down with me."

"And you agreed to get on a plane with her?" I ask in disbelief. Audrey has got to be one of the suckiest flyers around. The girl freaks out on planes. "Have you ever flown with her before?"

"I almost did. That one time that she took off with Pacey and drove instead." How could I forget that time? The time we made promises we had every intention of keeping. I hope that doesn't happen this time. Of course this time there were no naive promises, just realistic acceptance, and of course hope.

"Let's just say if she asks you to hit her go ahead and get it over with."

"Joey!" Dawson laughs. "Some friend you are."

"You say that now," I warn. "I'm sure you'll change your tune the minute the cabin door closes, if not sooner."

"It's strange," Dawson says.

"What is?"

"Audrey."

"Yeah," I smile. "That girl is something else."

"That too," Dawson says. "But it is weird that a random act of computer science gave us this life long friend. I mean when I went to USC I had to fill out a compatibility card."

"So did I," I laugh. "But I still got Audrey."

"Well I suppose that you are compatible. I mean even if your friendship started out with the basis of being forced to share the same bathroom."

"I suppose it is no stranger than meeting by car accident or by stepping out of a yellow taxi." We both pause for a moment.

"Yeah, I suppose so." Dawson sighs. "A two week vacation does sound nice right about now," He sounds tired.

"You sound tired. We can do this another time. Why don't you get some sleep." He works way too hard to be wasting two hours talking on the phone with me while some cheesy movie plays in the background.

"I'm cool," Dawson says but a yawn escapes and betrays his statement.

"Dawson," I warn. "I don't want to be the one responsible when you go postal on your crew tomorrow.'

"Ah, I'd probably do that anyway," He jokes. "Tell me what the lovely ladies of Capeside have planned for the party this year." Dawson does a fairly good job at changing the subject. But I vow to keep the conversation short.

****

Dawson

"Well it's gonna be real traditional. You now just like it always was," Joey says excitedly and I know that for now I've done a fairly good job of changing the subject on her.

The truth is that since I've been back I've buried myself even deeper into work. I didn't think it was possible, but it is. In a way I'm afraid that if I make myself too open I'll meet someone else. Actually I don't think that could ever happen, but let's face it, time has never been part of the Dawson/Joey alliance. It's more like an adversary waiting in the wings to trip us up at our most suspecting and unsuspecting moments. Todd nailed it on the head today when he said, Trying to work thoughts of a certain raven haired bird out of your mind.'

Because now that I know she loves me, Joey is all I ever think about. In a way it has been great. I have really been in creative overdrive writing some great Sammy and Colby scenes. But I don't want to live my love for Joey through two pseudo-fictionalized characters forever. I want a real life with her.

Time. If that's what it takes then that is what I'll give her. I just hope that when Joey is emotionally the person that she wants to be, that I will be the one there for her. It is not just me that could change. What if when all is said and done and Joey has figured everything out she decides that she doesn't want me. 

I could torture myself this way indefinitely. I just have to live my life like Jen said and stay open to the possibility that my soul mate may walk into my life. After everything that has happened between us through the years I'm sure it will. How do I know? I just do. Maybe because I have to know.

"Grams is going to make the egg nog, Gale is going to make pumpkin pie, Bessie said she saw this recipe for cranberry cookies that she wants to try," Joey is still gushing about the party. Honestly she's making me excited for it too. "Doug and Jack said that they could help decorate if I would watch Amy. Of course I jumped at the chance. Oh, and Pacey is going to do the appetizers, and Andie is going to make her apple pie. I still don't know what I'll bring."

"Blueberry pancakes," I tease remembering how she would make them for me every morning when she stayed in Los Angeles.

"And encroach upon Bodie's territory – no way," she laughs. God, I love it when she laughs. "Besides, I've never heard of Christmas pancakes."

"Wasn't that one of the gifts from the Wisemen? Gold, frankincense, and blueberry pancakes." She laughs even harder and I feel like my job for the day is done.

"Try telling that version to Grams." 

"You could put your name on the cranberry cookies with Bessie," I suggest.

"In light of my severely limited culinary skills that is the most likely outcome."

"Your secret is safe with me," I whisper. I miss Joey, just having fun with her.

"Yeah? But I don't think I'll be fooling anyone. Pacey always said if he left me unattended the kitchen would burn down." 

There is an awkward pause. Since that night in my room we have covered just about every topic under the sun with the exclusion of Pacey. Sometimes his name will come up in passing when she talks about Jack or Doug. But there has been no reference to him specifically or their relationship. Until now.

"How is that?" I ask tentatively. "I mean it's alright if you don't want to talk about it."

"No," she says softly. "That's alright. I sort of want to talk about it. I mean in a way I have to. He called me a few days ago."

That's news to me. "Really?"

"Yeah. He just wanted to know how I was doing. You know, just checking in."

"Yeah."

"Anyway, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It still hurt, but not like I thought it would. Maybe because we ended it the way that we did. Talking to him again made me confident that we did the right thing."

To say that I'm relieved would be an understatement. When she said they had talked a bolt of fear jolted through me. Maybe he wanted her back; maybe she wanted him back. There's that saying that the first breakup never sticks. Of course this isn't their first breakup, but I'm not sure if that counts.

"That's good," I say trying to disguise the relief in my voice. I can't live my life in fear and I can't live my life jealous either. Pacey and Joey are going to talk. I have to expect that and respect it in the same way that I wanted Pacey to respect the friendship between Joey and I.

"Relieved much?" Joey asks. If I was actually there with her I know that she would have bumped hips with me, swatted my shoulder, or some other type of platonic unassuming gesture.

"A little," I concede. Alright, I'm more than a little relieved but Joey knows so I don't have to say it. " A lot relieved." I said it anyway.

"Jack tells me he's been spending a lot of time in Boston – with Andie," she continues.

"How do you feel about that?" It must be at last a little rough to have Pacey turn to his ex-girlfriend. Funny how I think of Andie as Pacey's ex when their relationship ended about ten years ago.

"Jealous, a little. But you know me, that's an emotion I do pretty well." I don't say anything because it is true. Joey is very territorial when it comes to her men weather they be friends, current, or ex, boyfriends. 

"But I'm happy too," Joey continues. "Happy that he has someone to turn to that understands him – something I never truly could do. I mean as far as Jack said there is nothing else going on. Everything is strictly platonic, I mean. Not that I would begrudge him another relationship. It's just a little soon, ya know?" Now she's rambling. I understand though. No one likes to think of their ex jumping headfirst into another relationship a few weeks after a breakup. I wonder if he knows about Joey and our odd understanding.

"Yeah, I know. I can't imagine Pacey and Andie in a relationship." Especially now after everything that everyone has gone through. Though our group has been a littleincestuous in the past Andie has always managed to pretty much stay out of it. 

After her breakup with Pacey she has been consistent about dating outside of our group. In Italy I know there was a college student – another American. In college she usually dated the pre-med and pre-law types. And now she dates actual doctors and lawyers for the most part with the exception of one electric violin player that was in some crazy eclectic band. He was met by raised eyebrows and questioning looks when he came to the memorial service for Jen. We never really did get a chance to truly check him out. A month later they had broken up, much to Jack's relief. Jack hated the guy. He said that it wasn't anything that he did or said, just a smarmy feeling he got from him. That was about six months ago and as far as I know there hasn't been anyone since. I should definitely call Andie more. I forget what a great friend she is.

"You know I think I can," Joey says thoughtfully.

"Can what?" I ask.

"See them in a relationship. Not now I mean. Definitely not now."

"Pacey and Andie?" I ask more than a little surprised. If anything I would think that Joey wouldn't want them to date. This goes back to that whole jealousy issue again.

"Yeah, Pacey and Andie. Someday, a long time from now I could maybe see them together. Not that I want to think of him with anyone right now. But I do want him to be happy and find love someday. I would want him to be with a person that loved him, knew him, and appreciated him. Someone that challenged him. I think Andie could be that person for him. She would be the person I would chose for him."

Honestly I'm surprised that Joey is being so open and mature about this. Maybe it is the therapy or maybe we are all just adults now. It should be weird for us to be here talking about me and her and Pacey and Andie, but its not.

****

Joey

It should be weirder than it is talking to Dawson about Pacey and Andie, but its not. Actually it's not weird at all. Maybe it is because I can tell Dawson anything or maybe it is because we are all adults now. All I know is that it is justnice.

"That is veryaccepting of you," Dawson says. He probably expected me to have a fit of the jealousies or a little tirade about it. Honestly I'm just beyond that. Yeah, I'm a little jealous that Pacey is turning to someone else now, but I would rather have him confide in Andie than sleep with half of the women in Capeside. It seems I underestimated him again. I just want the best for Pacey the way I want the best for all of my friends, maybe even more so. There will always be a small place in my heart that I reserve for our love, friendship, and memories – not too big – but it will always be there.

"Yeah? Well I'm nothing if not accepting," I joke. In the past I've been a lot of things, accepting is a new one that I'm working on.

Dawson sort of half snorts which makes me laugh harder. I'm reminded that we're such geeks. Funny how we went through school most definitely not at the top and not on the bottom. We were like most kids, somewhere in the middle. Now Dawson's show has made being a movie geek, a book nerd, an artist, a class clown, or an outsider cool. Well, maybe not that cool, but acceptable. Cool is definitely something we never were in high school. Well, I wasn't. Jen was always pretty cool and she and Jack did reach the pinnacle of high school society when he was a football hero and she was a cheerleader and homecoming queen. But how long did that last? 

Back then we almost thought that we transcended the high school experience by shunning school sponsored activities and opting out of extra-circular activities (with the exception of Andie). But when I look back we were as much a part of inner workings of the school as anyone else. We were our own little clique or whatever you want to call it. We just weren't labeled as easily as the rest of them. We pretty much hung out within ourselves and dated within ourselves. I don't think anyone could have entered our circle if they tried – but then again no one was knocking down our door. 

I hear Dawson yawn.

"I heard that Mister," I muster up all the sternness that I posses. "I want you to go to bed – now. And march!"

"Yes Ma'am!" Dawson says his voice think with faux enthusiasm. 

"I'll call you tomorrow," I say. "After the show."

"Alright. I love you Joey."

"I love you too. Now get some rest. I demand it."

"I love it when you're forceful," Dawson says. Funny thing is I think he may be serious.

"Goodnight Dawson. See ya soon." Only one more week. It shouldn't be that hard. 

To Be Continued


	15. Chapter 15A

Disclaimer: I am in no way connected to Dawson's Creek and no copyright infringement is intended.

Notes: This is a D/J fic set after the final episode with the alternating POV's of Joey, Pacey, and Dawson 

Rating: R for language and some sexual situations.

****

Body And Soul

Chapter Fifteen A

****

Joey

As I walk up to the steps of the Leery, or Gifford or whatever, house I feel almost childish. I mean that in the best sense. I feel exited, anxious for the party and friends and food and conversation. Hopefully things won't be too tense. I told Pacey about my talk with Dawson. I had debated telling him. I knew that I probably had a long time before Pacey and I had to have the Dawson conversation. Technically nothing has happened and Pacey and I aren't dating anymore. It should be a non-issue, really. But it is an issue. I love Pacey in my own way and he deserves my honesty.

Pacey and I had sat down in our first real face to face meeting since the breakup. I had stopped by his restaurant after hours and he had fixed me dinner. I miss his cooking. I told him about how I still loved Dawson and that Dawson had said he loved me. The only part that surprised him was that I was waiting before beginning a relationship this time.

"So it's for real this time, Jo?" he had said to me.

I could only nod my head and for some reason that I'm still unsure of I blushed a little bit. Pacey laughed a little when he saw me blush and said, "It's for real." He didn't sound sad or angry – just slightly amused – and resigned. 

"Are you okay?" I had asked him. So much had been encompassed in that one question. How are you doing day to day? Are you falling apart? Are you spending your days pining after me? Do you want to kill Dawson?

"I'm getting there," he had said, somber. "I just may be there sooner than I think."

"Andie?" I couldn't resist asking.

"She has been a help," Pacey reluctantly admitted. I could tell he was surprised but didn't ask how I knew that he was spending time with her. "Actually she's been invaluable."

I wanted to ask if there was more than that but I couldn't. I don't think that Pacey and I are on that level where we can talk freely about everything. Someday I hope that we are. Actually I know that we will be. Someday this time will become the past and like my high school and college years will recede into fond memory. When we look back we won't think about who hurt who and left who first. All we will remember is that we were there for each other in a way that would have made Jen proud. 

"Do you think he's here yet?" Bessie whispers as we knock.

"Who?" I whisper back. She's either referring to Pacey or Dawson; I'm just not sure which one.

"Daw-son," she gushes. I told her everything when I asked if I could stay with her while on hiatus. I told her about therapy, Pacey, and Dawson. 

Bessie said that she wasn't surprised. As much as she loves Pacey she has thought that Dawson and I belong together since before we even dated. When I asked her why she didn't tell me that she said she had her reasons. One, I didn't want to hear it. Two, she thought it wasn't her place to say who I should date. And three, Bessie thought that I should probably figure it out for myself. 

I just shrug my shoulders as if I don't know if he's there yet or not. Actually Dawson and Audrey should be here in two to three hours. Their plane is supposed to land in about forty minutes. I told him to call when the plane lands. 

"Bessie! Joey! Bodie!" Gale announces as she envelops us into a hug. Alex has been here all day but I can't spot he or Lily in the crowd.

That was enough to bring a mass of people rushing to us. It looks as if all of Capeside is here tonight. There are people here that I haven't seen since the last time Gale had a Christmas party, my senior year in college.

Now it seems that party has almost taken on mythic proportions. That was the year that Dawson and I got piss ass drunk and almost had sex. We were well on our way when Gale walked in on us. Not only did she walk in on us she let out a small shriek that sent Jen and Pacey running to find out what was wrong, so they saw us half naked too. There was the inevitable fallout between Dawson and I. He had said he wanted to get back together and I said that what happened was a mistake. I knew it wasn't a mistake. I was just afraid of moving backward when college would be ending soon and my life was moving forward. Just another near miss in the continuing saga of Dawson and Joey.

And then there were the other fallouts. Gale told Bessie, so I was barraged all of break with teasing comments combined with a pro-Dawson rally every morning at breakfast. Her and Bodie could lay it on pretty thick. Somehow even my Dad found out and joined the pro-Dawson faction that was the Potter B&B.

Then there was Audrey who told me to go for it while I was still in college. She said that once I entered the real world anything could happen and we might miss our shot. I told her that was my point. Why should we even bother when in a few short months my life would be taking a completely different direction? I was scared as hell and I didn't tell Audrey that.

The next morning Dawson said that he found Jen and Pacey in the guestroom in their underwear. Both claimed both separately and together that nothing happened. I don't know, I guess I believed them. In our circle a secret can't stay secret for very long. 

Jack was in Europe with Andie but he found out fairly quickly. He called me two days later for the scoop. Jack said that the both of them were probably just feeling a little depressed about not having a significant other for the holiday season. Seeing Dawson and I in that situation probably just brought those feelings to the surface. They both just drank a little too much and passed out. 

I know that it was probably a little more than that on Pacey's part. About two weeks before he had came to visit me and Audrey at Worthington and was going to bring us home for the break. He confessed to me that he still had feelings for me and he kissed me. Well, I did kiss him back – a little. The next day I told him that we probably shouldn't go down that path again. Pacey told me to take Christmas vacation to think about it. 

I didn't need any more time to think about it, but I didn't protest. I just didn't say anything. So I can imagine that Pacey was probably more than a little hurt when he saw Dawson and I together while he assumed that I was thinking over the possibility of a Joey/Pacey reconciliation. He never called me on it though. Pacey never mentioned seeing Dawson and I in bed. He never asked why Dawson and I weren't together. He never asked why I didn't want to be with him. Pacey never called me on any of my actions that break.

Jen called me on it though, per usual. Not right then, I think it was at her New Years party. She told me to take a look at my life and see what was missing. And if I was scared about what I wanted, I should be. She said the best things in life sometimes have the power to paralyze you with fear. Jen also told me that Pacey had told her the whole story when they were drunk. She said it was time that I stop jerking Dawson and Pacey around. If I wanted to be with one of them, I should. And if I didn't want either of them then I should let them go completely while they still had a chance at love. Why is it only now that I'm able to take advice that Jen gave me about four years ago?

I've been so lost in my thoughts that I have hardly noticed the people coming up to me.

"Jack," I say as I give him a hug. "Where's Amy?" 

"With Doug, Alex, and Lily." He smiles. "Doug is telling Alex and Lily that he can track Santa's sleigh using police tracking equipment."

"But Christmas Eve isn't even until tomorrow," I laugh handing my coat to Gale's husband. 

"I know," Jack says with an almost evil twinkle in his eye. Those kids will be so wound up they won't be able to sleep until New Year's day."

"Just you wait," I say anticipating Alex bouncing off the walls when we get home. "When it's Amy's turn I have a feeling you'll be in for some long nights."

"I look forward to it," he says. You know I really believe that he does. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't get upset about Jen tonight. I know that she wouldn't want that. But things like that are harder said than done when suddenly I'm seeing her everywhere. 

She should be here playing with her daughter, exchanging gifts and snarky comments with Jack, laughing when Pacey tells her a joke. I can almost see her weaving through the crowd, a drink in her hand. Briefly she pauses at a conversation. She must have said something funny because everyone is laughing now. She moves on and gives Dawson a kiss on the cheek. She told me once that she always thought of him as the one that got away. 

I can't do this now, not with Jack here and happy. It must be a million times harder for him to be putting on a good face. If he can do it, I can do it. 

"What's this?" he says trying to take the dish that I brought.

"These are for Dawson," I say as I playfully slap his hand away. "Bessie made some white chocolate cranberry bars that look pretty good."

"No fair,' he pouts. "Dawson gets a special dish and I don't."

"Yeah, well it's an inside joke. Plus I brought you a present," I say gesturing to the bag that Bodie is carrying. "And you won't believe what I got for Amy. It's darling."

"Forgiven," Jack says with a smile. I really don't think I was ever in that much trouble with him. 

"How are you?" he asks. I know by the look on his face he doesn't just mean in general. By now he knows the whole story as well. I'm sure that everyone probably does.

"Better," I say truthfully. "Better everyday."

"Good," he says as he rubs my shoulder a little. "I'm glad. I really am." I know that he is.

"Thanks," I smile a small smile. "I know that you are."

"Andie's here," he says happily. "She was able to get most of the week off!"

"That's great. I know how tough it is for her to get time off."

"Well you know how persistent Andie can be when she sets her sights on something." We both laugh lightly at the truth behind these words,

"Where is she?" I ask craning my head, expecting her to be rushing towards me.

"On the back porch," he says and then pauses for a moment. "With Pacey," Jack quietly adds.

"Oh," I let the sound escape from my mouth. If I said I didn't feel a tiny bit jealous I would be lying.

"It's not what you're thinking," Jack says quickly.

"I know, I know," I say with a wave of my hand, almost physically dismissing the possibility. "But if it were what I was thinking," I almost whisper. "I wouldn't stand in his way."

"I know," Jack says with a sad tone, his mouth turned up at one side. "What about Dawson?"

"He said he would call when his plane lands." I know that wasn't the answer that Jack was looking for. I'm just not sure how to define what Dawson and I have in words.

"You know that's not what I meant," he says softly and sternly. He touches my chin and I smile.

With a nod of my head I gesture for us to move to an empty room. This isn't the sort of discussion that should be had while standing in the Leery foyer.

"I'm sure that you probably know most of the details by now."

"Just the basics," he says. "Pacey and you broke up over irreconcilable differences, you and Dawson seem to be friendlier, yet still platonic, and Pacey has been driving to Boston every other day."

"Has he really been going there every other day?" I ask. I knew he was going a lot but Pacey and I didn't even see each other that much when we were dating.

"Well," Jack concedes. "Not that much. Weekends and if he has business there, you know."

"Yeah," I sigh. "I know."

There's a long pause and I know that Jack wants me to say something about Dawson.

"I told him that I'm still in love with him," I finally say. It's still strange to verbalize to someone else after all this time. How long has it been since I admitted that? 

"What did he say?"

"That he loves me too," I can't help but smile and look down as I say it. I'm almost embarrassed, almost.

"Then" Jack trails off. I know that he wants to ask why, if we love each other, are we still apart.

"I just need some time to work on myself for a while, ya know?"

Jack just nods and takes a sip of his Carona.

"It would turn to shit if we both just jumped in heart first. I have a lot to sort out."

"And he agreed to wait?"

"Not exactly," I admit, somewhat uneasy. "He said he couldn't promise that when I was done with what I wanted to do that he would be the person that I needed him to be. I mean we'll always have our friendship, but he can't promise that waiting will work out the way we want it to."

Jack is silent as he contemplates the words. I like that about Jack, he's great to talk to. He listens and usually has sound advice.

"Just don't wait too long," he says before getting up to go.

****

Pacey

I'm not sure why, but Andie is hiding out with me. Usually she would be the life of the party; talking, laughing, insisting that we sing Christmas carols. For some reason she appears to be content to keep a low profile with me. 

I'm just not in the mood for Christmas this year. In fact I'm dreading it. It just seems like so much has happened and I can't catch up. Last year I was in New York for Christmas. Grams made a spectacular Christmas dinner. Jen was radiant. She was so excited for Amy's first Christmas. She kept taking pictures like crazy. Pictures she'll never see again. I had managed to drag Doug up with me and he and Jack spent the whole time getting to truly know one another. And me, I spent a great deal of the day playing with Amy, mostly in an attempt to avoid that prick, Chris, who couldn't keep his hands off of Joey's ass. 

Now I can see Amy chasing after Lily and Alex, franticly trying to keep up. Her chubby little Flintstones feet pattering and her mess of blonde curls bobbing. Her Christmas dress is already rumpled and has a stain across the front, the sash bounces wildly behind her. That little girl is truly a wonder. 

The only part of this holiday season that I truly enjoyed was shopping for the kids. It gave me a good excuse to get lost in the toy store. I bought Lily a Barbie doll that has hair that changes color in water. Kind of weird if you ask me, but it's what all my nieces asked for so I figured that it would be considered a pretty cool gift in kid world. Alex, I bought an action figure that had me entertained in the isle for a solid half an hour. It has all these attachments so he could switch weapons. Very cool. For my special girl I bought a baby gloworm because it has the same eyes as Amy, large and brown. I bought her one of those dancing Elmo things that everyone raves about since I figured she might want a toy that she could really play with. I was going to stop there but I saw a Wiggles DVD on sale when I was at the checkout counter. I didn't know that they had Wiggles on DVD. Amy loves them. Fine, I can admit it; I dance and sing along with her. So I bought that too. I really had no intention of buying anything else, I swear. But then I saw a doll in the window of a small shop here in Capeside. It is not the kind of doll that you play with. It's more for display. Obviously I don't know anything about dolls but this one struck me as beautiful. For some reason it sort of reminded me of Jen. It will be nice for Amy to have something that she can keep forever. Maybe I'll buy her another one next year or for her birthday. It could be a special thing between us, like our date nights.

"We should go in," Andie says. "It's getting cold out here."

It is getting cold but I'm not sure if I can face the party yet. The thought of everyone together is almost too overwhelming. The sheer dynamics of it all seems too much. There is Joey and I, Dawson and Joey, and of course Dawson and I. Not to mention that I have been quite intimately involved with Audrey, Andie, and Joey. How's that for dynamics? Luckily there are a lot of people here tonight. Hopefully I can just blend in and not get sucked into any discussions pondering the current state of any of my relationships.

"You know what, Andie?" I say rubbing my hands together to generate a small amount of warmth. "You should go on ahead. I'm just gonna stay out here for a little while longer."

"You sure?" she asks tilting her head slightly to the side. I can tell that she doesn't want to leave me by myself.

I don't think I would have gotten through the past few weeks if it hadn't been for her. She's listened when I needed to talk, talked when I needed to listen, and has helped me to laugh again. Like when I first saw her tonight. She looked amazing in this grey dress and one of those up-do things that girls do on special occasions. Then she put on a pair of reindeer antlers that were in complete juxtaposition to her pulled together look. Then she made me put on a pair of matching antlers. So it was Andie, myself, Alex, and Lily all in antlers. I felt kinda goofy, but it was a good type of goofy. Almost childlike.

"I'm sure." I smile to show her that I'm okay. "Thanks McPhee, for everything."

"Anytime Witter," she smiles. I know that she realizes I'm thanking her for more than tonight.

****

Joey

"Careful!" I call over my shoulder as Alex and Lily whiz past me with Amy not too far behind. Where on earth did they get those reindeer antlers?

"Harry," I say as I spy him slightly removed from everyone else.

"Merry Christmas," he says appearing relieved to have someone to talk to as Gale schmooses with her guests.

"Merry Christmas," I kiss his cheek feeling a small surge of affection for the man who has been so good to Gale, Lily, and Dawson. 

"How's work going?" I'm not sure what else to ask him. I've only spoken to him a few times and those conversations have been mostly in the general topic of the weather.

"Good, good," he takes a sip of his drink.

"And you? You were promoted a while back, right?"

"Yes," I smile and take a sip of wine. "But I'm on a sort of hiatus now."

"Riiight," Harry drawls. "I believe Gale mentioned something to that effect. I just didn't put the right face to right name. I thought she was talking about the blonde one."

"The loud blonde or the perky blonde?" I can't help but giggle a little, as Harry seems slightly embarrassed by my forwardness. Of course I've known them for years, he has only really met us on his wedding day and this Thanksgiving.

"The perky one," he grudgingly admits. 

"Andie," I say. "The whole guys names for girls thing can be confusing. I'm Joey. The loud one is Audrey."

He just nods. Now I feel bad. I didn't want to embarrass the poor guy; I just didn't want to see him standing around by himself.

"Don't worry," I say with a wave of my hand. "You'll puzzle us all out eventually."

"I know that you're the friend."

He must have seen my look of confusion because he quickly attempts to clarify his comment. "I mean you are the one who was his childhood friend. The one who he based Sammy on."

This is why I don't tell everyone that I date or that I work with how well I know Dawson. When people find out that Sammy is based on me they assume that they know all about me. Not everything that happens on the show is autobiographical, but try to tell people that. If the subject comes up I usually I just tell people that Dawson and I went to the same high school. It's just easier that way. 

"Harry!" Gale calls from across the room.

"Excuse me, " Harry says. "Duty calls. But it was nice talking to you, Joey."

I cast a look around hoping to find Jack. He seems to have disappeared after he talked to me when I first got here. Checking my watch for about the billionth time I wonder why Dawson hasn't called.

"Hey stranger," It's Andie.

"Andie!" I say hugging her. "How are you?" I haven't seen her since Thanksgiving.

"You look great!" she gushes. "Fabulous, really."

"You too," I say. "I love the antlers. That's a marvelous look for you, really." 

"These old things?" she laughs. "Come get another drink with me."

"Gladly," I say. I seem to have gone through my first two pretty fast. I make a vow to make the third last a little longer. Drunk Joey at the Leery Family Christmas Party is never a good thing. Well, it could have been, I can't help but muse. If only Dawson and I hadn't been so rudely interrupted. 

"So," Andie says once we each have a fresh drink and have settled down on the couch in the now empty spare room. 

"So" I trail off. Why is it that people feel the need to say that to fill up space? I take a sip from my drink, a Cosmo this time. 

"Remember that summer when I visited you in France?" Andie asks.

I have to smile. To my dying day I will remember that summer from the making of Dawson's movie to my long awaited expedition to France. And most especially I will remember the week that Andie came from Italy to visit. 

"Ahhh," I say contentedly. "Our European selves."

"Yes." Andie's grin deepens. "Our European selves." That is how Andie and I have come to refer to the women we were that week, as our European selves. 

We did things that the East Coast Joey and Andie would never do. We sunbathed topless on the beach; we went to dance clubs in Paris and flirted wildly with strangers. One night we even each took a guy home. (Not the same guy. We knew the French word for threesome, but not THAT well). 

"Remember that one guy?" Andie asks. 

"Which one?" There were a few memorable characters that we met that week. 

"The one that did those sidewalk drawings."

"Wasn't he Bulgarian?" I ask. Some of the details aren't as clear as they used to be.

"Belgian," Andie corrects me.

"What the hell was his name?" I ask. It may have started with an F. I can see him clearly in my mind. Dark messy hair, smoldering blue-grey eyes. He had one dimple that would show itself when he laughed, which he did often. Andie and I spent the entire day watching him draw and later that night he took us out for dinner with his partner. That's right, Andie and I spent the whole day salivating over a guy who turned out to be gay. It was a first for her but not my first homosexual artist encounter. Anyway he ended up being a great guy and for almost a year after we exchanged the occasional e-mail. I wonder what happened to him.

"This sounds like something better discussed over flavored coffee," Andie jokes.

"Huh?" I ask.

"Remember, like ages ago, that coffee commercial where the two women try to think of that French guy's name?"

"Jean Luc," I groan remembering just how fucking annoying that commercial was.

"That's it! Jean Luc!" Andie laughs and I can't help but join her.

We keep laughing until a tear runs down my face. 

"Pathetic,' I gasp between giggles. "My life has been reduced to a coffee commercial."

"Oh God!" Andie's face registers an expression that can only be described as a mixture of horror and humor. "We are so old," she laughs. 

"Ancient," I tease. She's wearing a pair of antlers, how old can we be? 

"So maybe we're not that old yet," Andie says as our laughter fades. "But it's coming sooner than you think."

"I know," I say as I lean back against the sofa. "Time has a way of playing tricks on you. One moment you're a teenager and the next"

"It's been over ten years and you realize that you take solace in the places you once felt trapped," Andie says softly. I couldn't have said it better myself.

"Yeah, " I agree. "But the more things change the more they stay the same," I say thinking of me and Dawson. 

"True," Andie says with a small smile. I wonder if she's thinking about her and Pacey. Is there even a her and Pacey?

"Andie, can I ask you something?" I figure that we've been friends long enough for me to at least ask if there is anything going on with her and Pacey. 

"Is it about Pacey?" she asks.

"Um, yeah. I mean, if you don't want to answer it's alright. Actually it's not my business at all, so just forget that I said anything."

"It's strictly platonic," Andie says. I guess that I don't have to ask.

"Hmm," is all that I can say. By looking at her face though, I see more.

"He still loves you,' she says softly. 

"In his own way," I say tactfully. "Probably not in the way you think." Is there a tactful way to tell a friend that you won't be offended if they date your ex-boyfriend? Of course he was her ex-boyfriend first. I don't think that they make Hallmark cards for moments like these.

"Love changes, fades, ends and begins again," I continue.

"Dawson,' she asks. 

"Yes," I say simply.

"I hope you don't mind, Pacey told me."

"You would have found out anyway," I say.

"We're sort of like that, aren't we?" 

"Nothing is secret for too long." Whether the news is good or bad it travels fast in our circle of friends. 

There is a moment of silence as Alex, Lily, and Amy fly by once again. "Be careful!" A random adult warns.

"I would want him to be with someone like you," I finally say. I don't say Pacey but I'm sure she knows who I'm referring to.

"Thanks," she smiles and takes another sip of her drink. "I don't think he feels the same way." 

"Maybe he does," I offer. "Maybe not yet. Maybe it's just a matter of time."

"If he ever did," Andie keeps her eyes downcast. "Feel that way, I mean. I wouldn't want it to be because he couldn't have the woman he really wanted."

"Andie," I get up holding my empty glass loosely in my hand. "You're more important to him than you think."

****

Pacey

"These are wonderful, Evelyn." Grams makes the absolute best chocolate chip cookies in the world. I started calling Grams Evelyn a few years back. She's never said anything about it. Secretly, I think she loves it.

"I'm glad you like them dear," she says as she pours me another glass of milk.

After it got way too cold to hide outside I came in and Grams and I have been talking in the kitchen ever since. It's funny to think that there was a time that we were afraid of her. Once I bet Joey a dollar (that's how young we were) that she couldn't run up the Ryan porch and touch the screen door. Of course she couldn't. Joey has always been a skittish kitten. It's actually very endearing.

I can't help but let and audible sigh escape my lips. I wonder if it will always be like this, every memory turning into a memory of Joey and one memory spawning another. So much of my life has been spent with her that it would be impossible to erase her from my mind. Honestly, I wouldn't want to. Joey was one of the best things that could ever happen to me.

I know that everything that has happened is for the best. It still hurts, though. When we first got together again I really thought that it would be forever. Or maybe I just really wanted it to be. 

"It will get easier," Grams says as she sets the glass of milk down at the table.

"Yeah, I know." She's right. I've been through this before. Every day that passes will hurt less until it doesn't hurt at all. I'll be able to remember the good times and cease to dwell in the bad. And then I'll find someone else who makes my heart do flip-flops and gives me butterflies.

"We're here everyone, so you can start now!" I hear a booming voice that can only belong to Audrey. I didn't expect her and Dawson for at least another hour. 

Everyone appears to be invigorated by the new faces. There is a chorus of hellos and greetings. I feel the need to hang back as everyone rushes Audrey and Dawson. I see Joey break and weave through the crowd and quite literally jump into Dawson's arms. Now it's real. If they aren't together yet, they will be soon. She kisses his cheek and hugs him tightly. He kisses the top of her head and subtly gives her hair a stroke. It looks platonic, friendly. I have come to realize that when it's Dawson and Joey nothing is as it appears.

Now she's dragging him through the mass of people to the dining room. I feel like I'm spying on them. There is a house full of people so I'm not spying; yet I feel like I'm intruding on an intimate moment. 

"I made these for you," I hear her say. I'm the only one watching them now. "It's really more of a joke."

"Awesome," Dawson says as he opens the tupperware. It's blueberry pancakes. I remember those pancakes. She would only make them after sex. Not just any sex, only after mind blowing, body numbing sex. They haven't – no Joey told me that they were taking their time, whatever that means exactly. 

"They must be cold by now," Joey says. "I'll put them back in the fridge and you can eat them tomorrow morning.

"I'll eat them now," he says taking one out with his hand, rolling it up, and taking a bite. "Still good."

Joey just smiles at him. It's that trademark smile that only she could pull off. "I just have to hug you again," she says as she embraces him once more.

Grams is watching me watch them. She puts a hand on my shoulder. I put my hand over hers and look up and attempt a smile.

"I think I was meant to see that," I say. Grams just nods slightly, one side of her mouth down turned. I know that she hates to see any of her children unhappy. 

But in some odd almost indefinable way it helped me. I know that Joey said that they were going to wait a while before beginning a relationship but part of me didn't think they would actually go through with what they said. Dawson and Joey make a lot of promises to each other. It is always with the best of intentions but the end result isn't usually what they intended. 

This is different. I expected them to either be in some sort of steamy embrace or cool and distant. But it just seemscomfortable, loving, content. And I needed to see that. It makes it real. It makes it true. In some odd way I think it will help me. Maybe to move on, I don't know yet.

"Hey," I hear a soft voice behind me and Grams. It's Andie. "You doing alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." I look up and smile at Grams.

"Good," Andie says. 

"Thank you so much for the cookies, Evelyn. They were truly remarkable." I say as I slip my arms around Grams and Andie. "But I think that Andie and I should go and say hi to Dawson and Joey." 

I give Grams a kiss on the cheek and on impulse I do the same to Andie for good measure. As Andie and I walk away I try to ignore the knowing look from Grams.

****


	16. Chapter 15B

Disclaimer: I am in no way connected to Dawson's Creek and no copyright infringement is intended.

Notes: This is a D/J fic set after the final episode with the alternating POV's of Joey, Pacey, and Dawson 

Rating: R for language and some sexual situations.

****

Body And Soul

Chapter Fifteen B

Joey

"We're here everyone, so you can start now!" I hear a voice that could only belong to Audrey echo through the house. Dawson must be here!

Forgetting my age I run as fast as I can while still balancing my drink in one hand. I set it on the end table as I pass. "Dawson!" I cry as I quite literally jump into his open arms. He smells nice, like snow and cold. 

I kiss his cheek and hug him tightly and he kisses the top of my head and strokes my hair a little.

"Wait!" I pull away from him and unsuccessfully try to sound angry. "I'm very mad you. You were supposed to call me."

"Yeah, you looked real pissed off a second ago," Audrey snorts. 

"The plane got in early and I wanted to surprise you," Dawson says with a small tilt of his head. "I thought it would be a good surprise."

"It was a good surprise," I grudgingly admit. 

Now everyone is swarming around Dawson and Audrey and I have to step aside a little. I can't help but watch in amusement as the adults clamor around and ask about life in Hollywood and the children beg for their presents. 

"Oh no," Dawson says regretfully. "Audrey, I thought you brought the presents."

"No," Audrey says sadly shaking her head. "I thought you picked them up with the rest of our luggage in Cleveland."

"Cleveland?" Alex asks almost horror stricken.

"You left our presents in Cleveland?" Lily almost accuses.

Amy just stands there, unaffected.

"What's in that bag Audrey?" Dawson asks about a large red and green bag behind their duffel bags. 

"Presents!" Alex shouts and runs to peek in the bag.

"That wasn't a nice trick," Lily says solemnly before she runs to join Alex and Amy.

Everyone laughs at her words.

"What were we thinking?" Dawson asks Audrey, his voice full of mock regret.

"We're evil," she muses. "Pure evil."

"Where's my mom?" he asks craning his head above the crowd.

"I think she's out back with Jack and Doug trying to light those lantern things."

"I remember those," Dawson says with a smile. "We've had those forever. I hope they don't explode or something," he jokes.

"Come on," I say taking his hand and leading him to the dining room. His hand is still cold and when we get there I know I should let go, but I can't.

"I made these for you," I say as I reluctantly let go of his hand and give him the tupperware container. "It's really more of a joke." I clarify. I have to look down at the floor because suddenly everything has just become too much. His height, his chest, his smiling face, even his cold hands are overwhelming.

"Awesome," he says as he opens it up. Blueberry pancakes. I remember I would make them for him every morning when I stayed with him in California. Then when he left in the morning I would make sure he had all of his papers before I would hand him his briefcase. It was something akin to a 1950's sitcom, but it felt right. 

"They must be cold by now," I tell him. "I'll go put them back in the fridge and you can have them tomorrow morning." I make a move to take them but Dawson resists.

"I'll eat them now," he says taking one out and rolling it up. I can't help but laugh a little. "Still good." I can't believe that cold pancakes are much good. He seems to be enjoying them though. 

"I just have to hug you again," I say as I embrace him one more time. It feels so right to be in his arms. This is going to be a lot harder than I thought it was. 

****

Dawson

"I just have to hug you again, " Joey says as she throws her arms around me. I put down the pancakes that she made for me and hug her back. How could I not? Her body is soft and warm and just the feeling of her cheek against mine is enough to make me want to take her up to my room and do things to her that best friends don't normally do – unless it's their birthday. This time thing is going to be even more difficult than I imagined.

I should probably let go. We can't stand here hugging each other all night, as appealing as that thought sounds. So I do let go.

"Thanks," I say. "You know, for the pancakes." I can't help but reach out and caress her cheek – just a little. I couldn't stop myself. She always looks good but tonight she looks amazing. I don't know if it is something different she did or if it is because I feel like I can truly look at her, appreciate her, in a way that I have been unable to in a very long time. 

"Dawson, Joey." I hear a voice and steps behind me. Turning around I see Pacey and Andie coming towards us. I can only hope that this won't be too awkward. 

"Dawson!" Andie says as she gives me a hug. 

"You look nice," I say as I tweak her antlers. Despite the woman that Andie has become sometimes glimpses of that perky teenager she was will show themselves. Tonight that side of her appears to have manifested itself in a pair of antlers.

"Dawson," Pacey extends his hand. Oh God! Andie's got Pacey wearing those things too. 

I shake his hand and try not to laugh at his antlers. A mutual respect is reflected in our eyes as well as a silent agreement to let sleeping dogs lie.

"Joey," Pacey says.

"Pace, I haven't seen you at all tonight." Their hug is tender yet awkward looking. Just by seeing them I know that I have nothing to worry about. I actually feel physically lighter. There was always that fear that I would get a call from Joey saying that she and Pacey had reconciled. Just by seeing them I know that it's not there. Whatever it was that brought them together doesn't exist anymore. 

"This may be a first," a woman says. I think her name is Eleanor Harper. I recognize her as a friend of Grams. 

We all look at her slightly puzzled. I have no idea what this woman is talking about. 

"Two couples under the mistletoe," she clarifies. 

I groan inwardly as I look up. This may be the new definition of awkward. 

"Well," she urges. "Go on." What is it with old people and mistletoe? It's like they can't resist heckling the unsuspecting fools that wander under it. 

There is a much feet shuffling and looking around in every direction.

"Two pretty ladies and not one's been kissed yet," her companion says. If I remember correctly his name is Ernie and when I was small he would chase us out of his yard. I hope that I never torture people just because they are younger than I am. Too late, I remember that stunt I pulled with the presents earlier.

Pacey leans down and touches Andie's cheek. The action makes me a little uncomfortable. I look at Joey to see what she's thinking but she's looking down. He gives her a small kiss and then clears his throat a little. 

"I'm going to find Doug," Pacey says.

"Me too," Andie follows him.

That leaves me, Joey, and the golden agers. Honestly I'm nervous. My palms are sweaty and my mouth has suddenly gone dry. I feel like a teenager after a first date. I just lean down and kiss her forehead slowly and deliberately. It's all I can do at a crowded Christmas party. 

"Hmmph,' The old man says before he and his wife walk away.

"Sooo,' Joey says. Why do people always feel the need to say that to fill in the gaps of time?

"Sooo," I guess it does fill in the gaps fairly well.

I pull out a chair for her to sit down. 

"Remember when we were kids at these parties and we used to sneak upstairs and watch movies the whole night?"

"Isn't that what got us in trouble the last time?" I didn't mean to say that, it just slipped out. Now she's blushing which Is endearing yet embarrassing. 

It brings back all the memories of the last Christmas party we had. Well what I can remember is coming back. An innocent suggestion to watch movies turned into a very drunk Dawson and Joey almost having sex before my mother found us. My mother followed by Pacey and Jen, that is. 

"I still can't think of Christmas without thinking about that," I admit.

"You, " Joey laughs but blushes a bit more deeply. "I can't celebrate my birthday the same way ever again. And that was six years ago."

I'm laughing with her. "I can't celebrate your birthday the same way either."

"Come on," I get up. 

"Where are we going?" she asks.

"To watch movies. I'm sure It's A Wonderful Life' is on television right now."

She gets up but doesn't start walking. "No funny business," I say noting the skeptical look that she gives me.

"Joey," I take her hand. That's allowed, right? I mean it's something we did when we were friends, why would we stop now? "Let's go."

****

Joey

"I thought you said that It's A Wonderful Life' would be on," I tease. Actually I'm having a lot of fun with him. But I'm not sure it was such a great idea for us to be alone together. Every accidental touch and every sideways look is adding to the ever present sexual tension. 

"Well The Grinch isn't bad," Dawson says with a smile. 

"Better."

"You think the The Grinch Who Stole Christmas' is a better movie than It's A Wonderful Life' is?" Dawson asks with a small amount of disbelief. 

"Yeah. It's got color, adorable little Whos from Whoville, and when the Grinch's heart grows, how cute is that?"

"All good points but It's A Wonderful Life' packs a much more powerful punch. George Bailey is an unexpected hero. Plus the theme of the movie was much more powerful. No man's life is wasted as long as he has friends. How classic is that?"

"True," I admit. How classic is this, Dawson and I watching movies in his room? We are sparring and analyzing like we used to. "But the theme of The Grinch is also friendship."

"Agree to disagree?" Dawson asks as he moves to the foot of the bed next to me. 

"Sure," I offer. 

"Did I tell you that you look great? Better than great," he says.

"No," I smile. "Are you telling me now?" I really shouldn't flirt with him. It's probably not a very good idea in light of my whole taking our time arrangement. But there are some things that I just can't help but do. Flirting with Dawson is one of them.

"Yes," he says. "You look great. You really do."

"So do you," I say unable to keep the smile off my face. You look really great." God and he does, especially for just stepping off a cross-country flight. His hair is all messed up but I like it better like that anyway. But he looks happy, well rested.

"But I like your hair down better." After I spent almost a half an hour trying to put it up he likes it the way I always wear it better. I guess that's Dawson. 

I can only half smirk at him. "You know," I cross my arms across my chest. "It took me quite a while to do it like this." It's the most put out voice I can muster. I didn't think it's very convincing.

"I like it," he says quickly. "I really do. It's very pretty. I was just meant that I like it how it always is too."

"Yeah, keep digging that hole," I tease. "Relax," I urge him and slip my shoes off. Looking in his eyes I take out the pins that are holding my hair up. 

"Better?" I ask with a smile. 

"Oh no. I didn't mean for you to take it out. I'm sorry Jo." It's funny to see him so stressed out. But it's too much to see him all upset that he might have hurt my feelings. 

"It's fine," I say with a smile. I was just giving you a hard time. It's no biggie, promise."

"You do have really nice hair," he says. Then reaches out and touches the ends. "Soft too," he whispers. Shit. This is too much.

"Thanks," I say softly and try not to blush. It is best if I just keep my eyes forward and concentrate on Cindy Lou Who. 

Dawson moves behind me. I can feel his gaze on my back and neck. Maybe we should just go back to the party. 

"Dawson," I begin. 

"Yeah?" Oh God, he's stroking my hair now. It feels nice; comforting and sensual at the same time. Is that possible? It's been a long time since he's played with my hair. I think we may have been sixteen. Wow, ten years seems in some way an eternity ago and in other ways like yesterday.

"Um, nothing. It was nothing." I lean my head back a little and rest it on his chest. This is so wrong. 

He doesn't say anything and I'm afraid to speak. We are dancing along the lines of platonic cuddling and something else.

"Mmmm." Fuck. Did I make that noise? This is reaching embarrassing. He doesn't say anything and I wonder if he even heard it. God, I hope not. Moaning while your best friend plays with your hair is not very dignified.

"Dawson?" I ask.

"Yeah?" he asks. 

"Downstairs before, why didn't you kiss me?" I just have to know.

He doesn't say anything, but he keeps playing with my hair. If he doesn't want to answer I guess that's fine.

"I was afraid," he finally says.

"Afraid?" I ask. 

"Afraid that if I kissed you I wouldn't be able to stop." When he says that a shock runs down the length of my spine. I hope that he didn't feel me shudder. How can he do that, make me feel like the most desirable woman who ever lived?

I crane my neck a little to the left, just so I can see his face. One corner of his mouth turns up. I move a little closer to give him a peck on the cheek, just to show him how I feel. My kiss lands more on the corner of his mouth than on his cheek. I think I want to pull away but I can't. There is an almost magnetic force keeping my lips there.

I'm not sure if it's me or Dawson who moves so that our lips our touching. At first it's tentative, a little experimental. For some reason every time we kiss, truly kiss, it feels like no time has passed between us. We have been kissing each other forever with no beginning or end in sight. He and I are no longer simple mortal beings; we have transcended heavenly planes and somehow reached a higher heavenly state. I smile into his mouth when I realize how girly I can be sometimes.

His hands have entered into the game now. They're everywhere. My hair, my waist, my breasts. He's unbuttoning my shirt now. There used to be time when we were young when he would have asked first. It was cute but after a while would get annoying. I like take charge Dawson better. I haven't felt this alive in so long. So long that I can't even remember. 

But we can't. I've worked too hard on myself to let passion cloud my judgement. If we do this tonight, when I'm not ready, there is a chance that we will never do it again. Then again if we don't do this tonight we still may never have another chance.

"Wait," I say as I slightly pull back. "It's not that I don't want to, but we shouldn't. I'm not in the right frame of mind yet. It just wouldn't be right."

"I'm sorry," he says as he pulls further away. "I didn't mean to take advantage of you."

"You didn't, " I assure him as I button my shirt back up. This sucks. I want to. God, I want to. "I kissed you."

"You did kiss me, didn't you?" he jokes but his breath is a little ragged.

****

Dawson

I just wanted to touch her hair. It's been years since I've been able to that. It was as soft to the touch as I remembered. Then once I touched her hair all I wanted to do was smell it. 

I didn't expect her to kiss me. It wasn't exactly on my mouth and it wasn't quite on my cheek. It was somewhere in between, if that is possible. I couldn't help it. It was almost as if some magnetic force pulled my mouth on to hers. At first we were cautious, testing. But now we are drinking each other in like European movie stars. It's erotic yet familiar. It's invigorating yet comforting. How one woman can make me run the emotional gamut with one kiss is almost beyond me, almost. I always knew it could be this way.

It is almost as if I suddenly remember that I have hands. And those hands have a mind of their own. They are everywhere. Without abandon they slide across her waist, glide across her shoulders, and run across her breasts. Without a second thought I briskly undo the buttons to her blouse. There was a time when I was a horny teenager that I would have asked her first. I have to smile for the kid I once was. I can feel her nipples harden under my open palms. Maybe I'm not so different from that horny teenager after all.

"Wait," She says as she pulls away a little bit. Our bodies are still touching; our mouths are only inches apart. Damn! "It's not that I don't want to, but we shouldn't. I'm not in the right frame of mind yet. It just wouldn't be right."

Now I feel like an ass. I escalated things. I wasn't even thinking about the timing. I don't want her to think that I was trying to take advantage of her or something. "I'm sorry," I say as I pull further away from her. "I didn't mean to take advantage of you."

"You didn't." She is buttoning her shirt back up. This sucks. "I kissed you."

Yeah, she did kiss me first. And it wasn't exactly an innocent kind of kiss. "You did kiss me, didn't you?" I try to joke but I'm still um, aroused. I clench my fists at my side and try to think about unsexy things. The time that Todd split his pants during a charity softball game. That was as unarousing as it gets.

****

Joey

I didn't mean to get him all worked up. Now I feel like a tease. That was what high school was for. Dawson clenches his fists by his side and I can tell that he's obviously still, um, worked up.

"There is something else that I could do for you. I mean if you wanted me to." I offer with a small smile.

He raises an eyebrow. "You could? That wouldn't be against our waiting things out code of ethics?" 

"Nah," I think about it for a moment. "It's my code and I say it would be okay."

I can almost see the wheels turning in his mind. He's analyzing the situation, weighing the options.

"Dawson," I say feeling him through his pants, ignoring the fact that I want him inside of me. "Come on. It's fine." I coax.

"Isn't this a pretty presidential view of sex?" Dawson asks.

I can't help but giggle. "Seriously," I start to unbutton his jeans.

"Dawson! Joey!" Alex and Lily burst through the door with a thunderous roar. Dawson immediately flips over on his stomach. Thank God I had the good sense to button my shirt back up.

"You know it isn't polite to walk into a person's bedroom without knocking," I gently remind them. It's not their fault that I was about to give Dawson a blowjob.

"Sorry," they mumble.

"Its fine," I say. "Just knock next time."

"We came to watch movies," Lily says as she climbs into my lap. Can we watch them with you?"

"Sure hon," I answer casting apologetic look to Dawson. 

This is what, the third time that someone has walked in on us? After over ten years you would think that Dawson would have learned to lock his bedroom door. 

****

Pacey

"Joey," I call as I see her coming down the stairs. "I've been looking for you for a while now."

"Dawson and I were watching movies with Lily and Alex. They just fell asleep a few minutes ago."

"It must have been all that running around," I say trying to ignore the fact that she was with Dawson all this time. What did I expect?

"Can we go somewhere?" I ask. 

"It's not to talk about the state of our relationship or lack thereof,' I assure her when I see the worried look on her face. That appears to relax her and she starts to follow me into the den.

"Here," I say as I hand her the small box. "Merry Christmas."

"Thanks Pace," she says as she starts to open it.

"You know what?" I stop her from opening her gift. "Before you open it I just want to clarify some things. I bought this when we were still going out. I want you to have it anyway. And it is not an attempt to get back together with you."

"Thanks," she says sarcastically.

"Well you know what I mean," I try to clarify. I didn't mean for it to come out so blunt. But that is better than Joey thinking that this is some lame attempt to get her back. "I just don't want you to get the wrong idea."

"Yeah," she says. "I know what you mean."

"Open it," I urge. 

Joey just runs her finger alongside the edge of the box. I know she's contemplating opening it.

"It's not an engagement ring or anything like that." She smiles a bit and I can tell that she's a little more at ease. 

She smiles when she opens the box. That's a good sign. I hope it's not too pathetic to give her a gift like this after we have broken up. I bought it for her and I want her to have it. 

"This is really pretty, Pace." I'm glad that she likes it. Now I don't feel like such a loser. 

It's a charm bracelet. I had to special order the first charm that I bought her – a little silver book. My plan was to buy her a charm to add on for her birthday, Valentine's day, special occasions. I wont be doing that now. 

Giving her this bracelet is sort of the last thing that I have to do for her. Almost like closure. It's as much for me as it is for her.

"Thanks," she says. "It was really nice of you."

"You're welcome, Jo." It's funny how quickly things change. A few weeks a go Joey was the most important thing in the world to me. She's still important to me, just less so.

"Wait here," she says. "I have something for you too."

To Be Continued


End file.
